love in the blood.

i'm donating blood today.

needles don't bother me. i can pump out a a pint in under 5 minutes. and i'm pretty sure my weight qualifies me for the daily double (sadly, my iron count counts me out!) needless (or needles) to say, i am a perfect specimen for the Red Cross. but there's something beyond that. i truly enjoy giving blood. it's kinda fun, in a strange and slightly unordinary way. and you have to admit, the treats they give post-dono are delish.

but seriously. giving blood is something that fascinates me. they take a pint of my life supply -- the thing that keeps all my organs running, my brain functioning, my body healthy and clean -- they just take it, and freeze it until someone needs it. to be honest, the first few steps seem to not be in my favor. i get stuck with a needle, they rob me of a bit of my life, and then they freeze it like a piece of cow (or a bag of veggies, for you non-animal eating friends). but then...something magical happens. someone is a victim of a tragic accident. a car runs off the road. a body is racked and stripped from cancer. a fire happens. it is then that my blood truly becomes a gift, perhaps the very thing that helps to save a life. they take something that, to be honest, my body hardly misses and has already replaced, and they are able to transfuse it into someone else's desperate need. is that not so incredibly cool?! and, not only that, but the blood that i give goes to anyone -- i am able to somehow impact any victim in need of "life"...and that is incredibly humbling.

giving blood essentially = giving life. and this, this is where God nudged my heart and reminded me, "That's what my Son did for you." see, it is through the blood of Jesus Christ that i am able to live. Christ did not just give a donation, he didn't go up to the Roman guards and be like, "hey! a pint's gonna be enough, right? let me roll up the sleeve of my robe and you can stick it to me!" because, if you think about it, one pint probably wouldn't cover all that much. i imagine Christ & His blood, and the fact that a simple donation wasn't enough. No, it had to be all of it, a complete sacrifice, the entire life of Christ, so that generations before, and generations after, would be covered in the blood of Christ. Through His blood, we are able to truly find life. Its not just the physical life that Jesus sustains, but also it is the promise of life that's everlasting. The power of the blood. This is a beautiful, overwhelming, and empowering concept. The fact that Jesus' blood was shed thousands of years ago, but, like my blood that is kept until it is needed, Jesus's blood is waiting to be used for the generations to come. And soon, we will celebrate the birth of our Savior, and I am just reminded today that this is why we celebrate. This is why we worship. This is why we do not have to give up our life, but rather find it in Christ.

i'm not trying to give a plug for the Red Cross (though I am a seriously supporter of this!) but i am just reminded how the Lord nudges and teaches through strange and beautiful ways. i am reminded of how amazing it is to be alive and that this life i have is a precious gift. thank the Lord for blood!

(oh, and donate today! needles really aren't that scary, promise!)

a love story.

i'm discovering that morality is not apart of the love story i should have for Christ.


morality, in the modern church sense.


when did morality become a 5 point checklist -- don't drink, don't have sex before marriage, be a good person, go to church, love God? Donald Miller's Searching for God Knows What really got to me. i'm realizing more and more that love should not be contingent on doing good or being good. love, this agape love, that Jesus demonstrates over and over, the most poignant demonstration when He bore all on the cross, for us, for me, is so far beyond that the love that i perceive myself giving back daily to Christ.


Morality is not the means to the end. its not the standard code that we should live by. granted, i'm not saying toss out the ten commandments or live a carefree life cause morality is not necessary. i'm saying that living a moral life should be a by-product of our love for Christ. if Christ was the inventor, the mastermind, and we were a factory, then we would, should be producing products like honesty, integrity, generosity, devotion, joy, faith, morality...these would stem from the inspiration we receive from Christ's example and then implement them in our life. am i the only one who completely missed this extraordinary concept? even if i am the lone stranger in this new walk with Christ, i am all the better for it, for i think, just maybe for a second, understand what this love thing is about.


miller's chapter on morality is astounding. just a few highlights: "Lately, however I have been thinking of morality in less conceptual terns, less as a system of rules and regulations and more as a concept very beautiful and alive...The reason I have been feeling this way is not because morality gives us boundaries or because it helps us live clean lives, though morality does these things, but rather becausem in some mysterious way, morality pleases God...It made me wonder, then, if the idea of morality is just another ramification of the Fall...Can you imagine being a bride in a wedding, walking down the aisle toward your bridegroom, and during the procession, checking out the other groomsmen, wondering when you could sneak off to sleep with one of them, not taking the marriage to your groom seriously? Paul became furious... it makes sense to think of this as Paul's protecting the beauty and grandeur of a union with Christ. In this way, immorality is terrible because it is cheating on the Creator, who loves us and offers Himself as a Bridegroom for the bride. When I said I was looking for a reason for morality, this is what I meant. The motive is love, love of God and of my fellow man... The hijacking of the concept of morality began, of course, when we reduced Scripture to formula and a love story to theology, and finally morality to rules. It is a very different thing to break a rule that it is to cheat on a lover...when I run a stop sign, I am breaking a law against against a system of rules, but if I cheat on my wife, I have borken a rule against a person. The first is impersonal; the latter is intensely personal...A moral message, a message of us versus them...is not the methodology, not the sort of communication that came out of the mouth of Jesus or the mouths of any of His followers...morality becomes the glue that...builds intimacy with Christ."


my morality has stemmed from a system of rules, a desire to be the best Christian possible, the promise that living good will "stand out"...but honestly, none of that works. i find myself easily caving in "moral" ways if that's all it is..."breaking a God-rule." but, honestly, its not about that -- it's about the relationship behind the actions...and that, that's what i have been missing out on.


the beauty of this concept is that i do not have to worry about "making it" in the lifeboat. i don't have to worry about ever making the cut or trying to fit into an "acceptable" mold...no, instead i can confidently and adamantly live a life out of a love stemming from a deep, intimate, and real relationship. anyone need a PFD? cause, i'm ready to ditch this line of thinking and my spot in the lifeboat...and instead, simply live and love.


freedom, at last.

trading one ocean for another.

rippling. rolling. changing. majestic. multi-colored. as far as the eye can see.

and hundreds of miles away from the coast.

my new home is the American farmer's inland version of the ocean, and each time i am immersed in it, my heart skips a beat and work to catch a stolen breath.

Pullman, Washington. home of the Cougars, the National Lentil Festival, and the biggest beer revenue this side of the state. trading redwoods in for stalks of wheat. culture shock? let's just say it was lightning bolt level. was i ready for this?

life -- are we ever ready for it? we like to think so, but we don't really know.

my three lifesavers for my first weeks in Pullman. 1) my Bible. 2) My chacos. 3) my box of writing stuff.

Bible. oh, the grace of a Gracious Father. daily i run to Him with an empty cup, and He continues to fill and overflow, in ways i least expect. a welcoming roommate. a fun department to work in. voicemails from far friends. a car that still runs. i cannot praise Him enough. I feel like a rubberband, being stretched for the first time. I have been created for "such a time as this," and all of that preparation in Christian circles, schools, and family have readied me for this lost and empty town. When are we ever truly able to survive without the strength of Christ? My eyes are opening, as has been my prayer, and my heart is aching for the emptiness I see all over campus. I pray daily for just a chance -- just a fleeting opportunity -- that I may somehow share the love of Christ. His Word daily strengthens me.

Chacos. Going from 8 housemates to 1 is quite a shock. Its very easy for me to go from super-outgoing to super-loner...a role I felt myself slipping into in the first few weeks of being in Pullman. The ocean of people, new school atmosphere, and foreign lands threatened to drown me, and it was easier simply to stay in the comfort of my apartment. But there sat my chacos, accusing me of settling, and begging to be taken down new paths. They reminded me of adventures past and victories won; of good times and hard lessons learned; of fears overcome and of hesitancy's resisted. They screamed "LET'S GO!" And it was their battle cry that lured me away from the comfort of my pillows and put me behind the wheel, pounding the pavement, climbing new heights. Thank you, old and weary Chacos. You remind me of the girl inside who simply needs to be set free from her own prisons...

Box 'O Writing Stuff. Thousands of miles erased simply with a pen and piece of stationary. Memories stir in my mind as ink hits recycled tree. Distances are closed and hearts are opened with the simple act of writing a letter. This tangible, therapeutic act of old helped keep me sane through those first few weeks. When I had no friends, snail mail kept me connected to the ones I did have. Thinking of them took my mind off of pitying myself. Connecting across the map via ink and paper (and sometimes wax) reminds me of how the love of Christ is designed to be a communal one -- both with Him and with His bride. Oh, how I love to write letters, because in a way, I feel like Paul -- encouraging and keeping the church alive with words of the Lord. Though I do not profess to be anyway profound, I like to think that when my letters are read, people can hear my Ohioan-Californian-Montanian-Washingtonian accent and chuckle a bit, and truly see my heart for what its worth. It may be a dying art, but I'm pretty sure I've done my part to keep the Post Office in business.

So, this ocean-like scenery of fields upon golden fields that once threatened to choke me with dullness, now takes my breath away as I walk to school each day. I slammed on my brakes last night driving home because I was shocked to come face to face with an orange slice of harvest moon that zapped me to my core. This new world is fresh and waiting for me to reap its bounty of people, scenery, and adventures. No, it's not my California coastline...but this scene is still worth diving into.

ps. I bought another pair of Chacos today... a promise of new adventures ahead :)

drifting, but still putting down roots.

"When you find yourself comfortable, happy, and complacent, be ready. You have learned all you are meant to know, and you are ripe for the harvest. Relish in those last few moments, for soon you will find yourself uprooted and spreading your wings for new beginnings and lessons to be learned."


T - 5 days and counting until i am torn from the roots that i have so diligently tried to deepen here in the beautiful redwoods of nor-cal. oh, how this forest has challenged me, changed me, and even sometimes chastised me. let me just talk about redwoods for a sec. redwood trees are the superheroes of the forests -- the tallest, strongest, and most majestic. yet, these guys are lacking something that most trees have -- a tap root. a tap root is often what keeps a tree from falling over, because it is the one that grows the deepest into the earth and acts as a stake for the rest of the roots. the redwood, well, it makes due with its family members, intertwining root systems with neighboring trees (often their own offspring resting nearby). i have tried to make my own tap root, relying on my own abilities, strengths, and gifts, but time and time again the Lord has reminded me that i am not able to be my own tap root in this life. so, instead, like the redwoods, He has placed me within a wonderful group of people in who i am intertwined, with whom i am making memories, bringing healing to broken hearts, and overcoming hardships. but, these past few weeks as the date has loomed closer, i have found my heart stirring...becoming restless for the unknown, though i have so valiantly fought to keep my heart from wandering and my thoughts only on the here and now. the majority of my being begs to stay -- to keep the life i have built...to stay where it is familiar, welcome, and Godly. but there is this tiny seedling of wonder...and wander...as i face reality and this chance i fought so hard to have. i always thought i was meant to wander, to be a drifter all of my life... but with each step further from the known & steadfast, i am finding my heart is wavering, and uncertainty has crept in...

then there's this tree called the madrone. the madrone tree is probably one of the coolest trees i have ever seen. it is this beautiful, vibrant shade of green, with big, flat, rounded leaves and smooth bark that ranges from greenish yellow to copper brown. the bark is truly amazing -- it peels off to reveal a smooth surface that is surprisingly cool to the touch. nicknamed "the refrigerator tree", the tree retains water in between its bark and heartwood, in layers know as the xylem and phloem, rejuvenating the tree when it is in a drought, and is keeping the colors bright and full of life. the coolest thing about a madrone tree is that it is a phototrophic tree. phototrophic essentially means "sun-loving." it is mad about sun. you can walk through our woods and see evidence of a love for the sun, as there are madrone trees that are bent over one way, straightened, twisted, curved, wrapped around other trees, and sometimes, fallen, in order to catch just a bit more of the rays that it so longs to have.

as i sit with my face lifted towards the sun, i am reminded how this is to be the essence of my thoughts, words, and entire being: the Son is to be my one love, my tap root, my prize, and i am to be running towards Him with all that i have...and if that means twisting, curving, falling over, and growing in the most awkward of places, then so be it. like the madrone, i want to be so in love that i will do anything, go anywhere, and face the fear of "failure" in order to know Him more. like the redwoods, the Lord promises to keep me going, encouraged and knit together with a community that will keep me from falling, and will endure the hardships, good times, and questioning periods alongside me.

i'm trusting in His promises. and finally, His goodness. so therefore, i am ready to go, ready to grow, ready to be rooted into a new place, a new life, and a new mission.

"When i think of all this, i fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and hearth. i pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you with inner strength through His spirit. Then Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust Him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes to God. Now all glory to God, who i sable, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to Him int he church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! AMEN!" -- Ephesians 4:14-21

goodbye, california. till we meet again...

walk this way.

11:01 PM.
all is not well.

my soul is restless, wavering, parched. my mind is churning, faltering, clouded and uncertain. my body is weary, laden, and sore.
"i am losing all hope, i am petrified with fear -- i remember the days of old" cries David, as his very being is slowly wasting away in agony, despair, and repentance.
does this remind you of your dreaded days, past problems, or present pains? i know my wounds are freshly opened. and it's only the beginning of the week.

i've been muling over the idea of going deeper these past couple weeks -- chewing, thinking, pondering on what that actually means, what that actually entails, what it actually will take to physically go beyond where i am now. and to be honest, i've been fighting it. in fact, i've come to realize, i've been fighting this all my life. The Lord does come in the still, small voice...but lately He's been using a bullhorn, whirlwinds & painful stabs to my soul to get my attention.

mmnk God, you've got it. now what do you want?

stop making excuses.

umm, easier said than done. literally. see, webster defines "excuse" both as a verb and a noun. the act of making an excuse is "to offer an apology for; seek to remove the blame of" -- meaning that an excuse is used to weasel our way out of owning up to something. how often do i try to shift the root of the matter onto some other person or another circumstance? why is it so easy for me to pretend like i didn't do it? cause i don't like having the Sonlight shined straight onto my filthy, black motives. but it's so much more than just shifting the blame. webbie also defines "excuse" as a noun, going as far to say it's "an inferior or adequate specimen of something specified." whoa. now i'm not only a coward, but my excuses don't even measure up...they're so incredibly lame that they're not even worth considering... and yet God still listens. patiently.

some excuses i've been using of late are: i don't have time. lamesauce. i have time to suckbook (err, facebook), read the latest Bones book, shop, talk, run, eat, work & adventurize...but i don't even have time to say "hello" to my Creator? another winner: i like my own deal too much. God has instilled inside me some mega-crazy dreams...i seriously wish i could have a new job every year so i could do everything i desire to do (like be a chef, a personal trainer, discovery channel photographer, deep sea diver, NOLS employee, wedding coordinator, professional gardener [which would be totally oxymoronic cause i have a black thumb] & fashion designer)...and because i simply enjoy doing each of these things...i don't want to have to delegate time away from them for something else...like living a life for the Lord & the Lord alone. i'm too busy being lord myself. oops. and here's the final one...and probably the most messed-up but also the deepest one of all: i'm scared to let go. see, its been easy to live by the rules i've used all my life...and to live by the standards set by others...or sadly, the pains, fears, and hurts that have held me captive all my days. i wrote about this to a friend recently, saying that "it's sometimes easier to let go of the things that i love to do and desire, than it is to face those fears that have held me captive for so long. its more difficult to give up those wounds because they are the standard that i have lived all my life by..."
told you it was messed up.

"the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy -- but I have come to give you life more abundant!" John 10:10

ahh. a cool, refreshing breeze just stirred in my soul. do you get the power of those simple words? if you do, please tell me, cause i'm only just beginning to realize them.

"life more abundant" ...ahh! what does that even mean?! i can live my whole life, my whole eternity, and still not even scratch the surface of who God is, His depth of love for me, or the blessings He has in store for me.
but uh...why do i keep holding back?

i've been asking myself that a lot lately. and the Lord has been pointing it out to me over and over in His love letter to me. Luke 14 speaks directly on this issue: " A man prepared a great feast and sent out many invitations. When the banquet was ready, He sent his servant to tell the guests...but they all began to make excuses...[and the] master was furious." (14:16-17, 21) or how about, "If someone claims, 'I know God' but doesn't obey God's commandments, that person is a liar and is not living in the truth." 1 John 2:4
yep. guilty as charged.

i feel overwhelmed at this. yet the very fiber of my being is crying out for what is lacking...the spaces in my every molecule are missing the Spirit that fills them...the Spirit that is already in me, but is lying dormant until i give the "ok" for it to radically alter my world. i have been an "adulterous bride of Christ," filling those empty cavities with sweet distractions, distasteful affections, and poor substitutes.

i'm about to move to WA, to live with a roommate who doesn't believe. will she be radically affected by the God who i live for...or will she see me as just another human being doing "my own thing." i don't want to be just another Christian, dangit! is it just me, or do you notice that we Christians have this radar tuned into other believers? enter beverly, the homeless lady i just met tonight. as i did what i could for her, she said she didn't even have to ask...she already knew i was a Christian. my real question is though -- do non-believers sense that same wavelength...or are they on a completely different spectrum? i want my light to break through both, so that other Christians will be strengthened, and non-believers will be pierced with the Sonlight.

my dear, sweet roommate Jennifer hit the target today in my life. she challenged us with the concept of "walking," as Paul & the NT over and over spotlights the idea of "walk" and "moving forward." she defined walking as "to advance or travel on foot at a moderate speed or pace." sometimes i forget that this is not a breakneck-speed sprint...this life is a death-depending marathon, and all it takes is one foot in front of the other...step by step towards the Father...eyes never faltering.

12:02 PM.
what do i have to lose?

ok Lord. you're more than enough...so i'm ready, set, diving in...

giving back blessings.

my world is about to become a little bigger.

the verdict is in. i'm going to washington state university, grad school extraordinaire.
can we say terrifying? amazing? humbling? i don't even know where to begin.

for you who don't exactly know the ramifications or the story behind this revelation, allow me to give you a quick recap. back in october, i applied for a graduate assistantship at WSU to head up the Experiential Education department there under their recreation center. i had no hopes of getting the job, but was utterly astonished when, just a few days before i graduated, i received a phone call stating i was a finalist for the position. a few weeks later, i receieved notice that i had been chosen for this job. i was floored, and literally fell to the ground (at Epcot Center in Disneyworld, no less. slightly embarassing, to say the least. hehe.) well, since then, there has been red tape after red tape stopping my every move and effort to get in. i could only accept the position on the terms that i would get into grad school. more problems -- the program i applied for was closed off for the year...no applications ANYWHERE. therefore, i had a decision to make -- apply for another program, one i don't want, or give up the position and my dream. i prayed, i felt peace, and i made the move to just try. this meant taking the GRE on 2 weeks notice, reapplying, sending new applications & recommendations...and basically giving all i could. then, it was in the Lord's hands. and well, He honored this effort with placing me in grad school. so, hello washington!

going to a new place means a whole new life, and now i am only beginning to see the full ramifications of this acceptance. that was the easy part -- now i am restarting my entire life, and i have only a few short weeks to do it in. but to be honest, now is not the time to think about all of this. nope. all that stress can wait. there's something i must do before i even think about washington. something that i messed up with california.

i love Oswald Chambers. the lovely Hope Hardaway started my journey with good old Ozzie this past summer, starting out mornings out at breakfast with a daily dose of his God-driven wisdom. so, i bought the book, and each day its been a kick in the pants because i literally see on the pages before my eyes God's direct words to my life. Oz wrote this simple passage about worship.

"worship is giving God the best that He has given you. be careful what you do with the best you have. whenever you get a blessing from God, give it back to Him as a love-gift. take time to meditate before God and offer the blessing back to Him in a deliberate act of worship. if you hoard it for yourself, it will turn into spiritual dry rot, as the manna did when it was hoarded."

see, i've been about this blessing thing all wrong. i pray to God, expecting to see Him act for my "betterment," and when He does come through for me, i thank Him...and then embark on my adventure. but i've forgotten to give to Him what is due. this blessing given to me is not mine to keep, not mine to enjoy alone.

it's all His. and His alone. that's why we live this life, isn't it? or, at least, this is how we ought to live -- "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, your soul, and your mind." that means giving to Him every part of me...even the blessings He already has showered me with. that's why, before i dive into the crashing waves of uncertainty, excitement, and paperwork, i'm going to stop, and dedicate my blessing back to the Lord. i didn't do it with california, and now i am seeing the consequences of not being aware of what this blessing is. so its my time to give to the Lord what He's given to me. i want to honor Him with this blessing, you know? I don't want to do this Washington thing on my own, but rather, live this blessing guided by His loving hand.

"Listen! it's the voice of someone shouting, 'Clear the way through the wilderness for the LORD! Make a straight highway through the wasteland for our God! Fill in the valleys, and level thr mountains and hills. Straighten the curves and smooth out the rough places. Then the glory of the LORD will be revealed, and all people will see it together! The LORD has spoken!'" -- Isaiah 40:3-6

let's be spontaneous, shall we?

one cryptic message. one bewildered question. one frantic computer task & late night phone call. one hour later, i'm booked on a flight to HOME.

yep. just one little change and my whole world is thrown into a frenzy. i found out at 8:30 pm wednesday night that i had the next week and a half off of work. could i do it? would it be cheap enough? should i wake my parents up? all these thoughts running through my mind, but one spoke louder than the doubts -- why not?

so now, its 6:37 am, as i sit in the sacramento airport waiting for my flight to start to board. in my usual fashion, i almost boarded the plane for Phoenix instead of Las Vegas (Mark Lowrey, you got nothin on me!) i've been awake since 2:30 am, running on 3 hurried & excited hours of sleep, a medium sized java mach, and on pure adrenaline for going home. it'll be a long day, but it'll be an adventure! isn't that what life is all about?

as i sit here pondering, i am becoming more and more distracted by the happenings around me. a sweet little girl with her mother just walked by, and in her innocence of youth i hear her asking her mother questions, and listening in full confidence of her mother's ingenuity. she reminds me of happy times, where i was young, trusting, fully secure in the capable hands of my own parents. and in this instant, i stop and think about my Heavenly Father, the utmost and perfect parent i could ever have. and i am amazed, and also ashamed.

see, i see this trust of a little child as i sit here waiting to continue my already exciting adventure, and im realizing the subtle touch of the Father's hand on my heart, using this very moment to teach me more about Himself and the journey of life I am on. see, i have been waiting anxiously for months to hear back from grad school. i am in this proverbial "purgatory," waiting, waiting, waiting for whatever is going to happen next, and it's not looking promising. in january, i had my life all mapped out, even to the exact dates of when and where. and now, as time starts to crunch closer and closer, i'm fighting bosses, deadlines, questions, needs, bills and jobs just to simply stay afloat. this isn't quite the adventure i was expecting.

but life's adventures aren't always planned, don't always look good on paper, often don't follow the easiest route. especially on God's map. its often scattered-- missing pieces of the puzzles -- jumping in leaps of faith and to unexpected territories, and often, it's only the promise of all truth revealed in Heaven will we finally see & fill in the missing pieces. i have come so far in my 22 years of life (shoot, i'm 22! ahh! i feel so old!) -- "o ye of little faith!" He has done so much for me in my adventure already -- will He not moreso cover me in my times of unknown? seeing the little girl have so much security in her mother's loving hands...how much more do i have knowing that the Creator of the Universe is watching out for me?

sometimes, i get lost in my own sea of doubt. i allow the crushing blows of the world to drown out my tiny seed of faith. but, right now, in this moment, i'm reminded of the loving hand of my Creator, and well, i'm taking a deep breath, and im ready to plunge into this adventure set before me. even if grad school is a bust, i'm still in for a mighty good ride. even if i don't know what i'm going to do in a few weeks or, oh dear, a year, i know that wherever God takes me, it's going to be a fun ride.

"it is well with my soul."

missing out. missing the point. missing YOU.

facebook = suckbook.
[let's just be honest.]

now, im not dissin the good attributes of facebook...like the fact that its one of my major sources of communication, thanks to living in a magical forest with no cell phone service (and i like it that way!), and i can use it to get in touch with super cool par-tay people who live in places like...greece, australia, arizonia, north carolina, oh wait -- ohio...places like that. facebook is great to also see quick snapshots of people's lives and who they are becoming today. but wait, that's not always a good thing. nor is it always a good thing to my heart.

lately i have been really feeling lost. like i don't really belong in the world that i live in now...the one where i am done with college, i'm in the real world, i'm on my own, i'm paying bills, i'm 2500 miles from all i've ever known...and i'm doing this alone. not spiritually, but physically, yeah, i'm on my own. and i'm seeing via facebook over and over the life i would be living if i was back in school...if i was home with my family...if i was living in indiana or ohio...that sort of thing. seems strange though -- here i live in one of the most epic places in the USA, where people DREAM of being but never are...and yet i'm still unsatisfied. my heart is is discord over the fact that "i'm missing out on something better"...or is it?

back to suckbook...errr, facebook. looking at those photos of good friends, old school chums, family members, and strange random people i don't even know how i'm friends with...i also see much that does not resonate well within my soul. everytime i hop on facebook, i see something that really ticks me off. perhaps its someone posting drunken photos. or its someone claiming to be a Christian but is supporting atheistic beliefs and rituals. or heck, maybe its someone who is chosing to live a life outside of the that they were raised to live. this sounds so judgmental, and i'm sorry, but i'm sayin it anyways. it really ticks me off that these people, who i knew and grew up with, or call myself friends with, are heavily distoring the image of Christianity and who we are to be in Christ. am i just being too cynical, or is someone missing the point here? in my head i'm thinking, "don't call yourself a Christian if you're gonna screw over the name of Christ, and screw up any witness the rest of us might have!" but in my heart i'm hearing, "you're a sinner, Child. why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye when you have a log in your own?" if i'm going to be ticked off at this, and get angry and judge...its time that i start with myself. i've been missing that point so often lately.

i'm allowing facebook to overtake the true reality of what's really going on with people's lives. i'm only seeing glimpses, snapshots, but i'm not really getting the full picture. granted, stupid people put stupid pictures up on facebook (hello, if you're dumb enough to post stupid photos of yourself on public network, then don't get upset when you get busted for it! E.O.S. [end of story.] ) but for real, i'm only getting a small idea of whats going on in their lives and in a single moment, without truly understanding their hearts. i'm so tired of living in a "facebook" mindset -- where i'm constantly looking back at moments, or where i'm only seeing the small picture -- just a smidge of what's really happening. this is how i've been seeing God lately. i seem to only look at the small picture -- the moment glance, without taking the time to look beyond the small into the vast known of the Creator. or worse, i am looking back to the God of my past and am setting standards on Him based off of memories, past blessings, and past knowledge. i think the reason why i've been feeling so lost lately is because i am not simply missing out on life, but i'm missing out on the LIFE-GIVER! such a simple concept...yet it hit me like a ton of bricks last night. hello, christa! could it be any more obvious?

so, good-bye, facebook living. hello, life-living. forget looking at past moments of glory (or in so many of my cases, past moments of shame), i'm looking towards what's to come. i live in one of the most incredible places on earth -- its time i truly embrace it for what its worth. i'm living my story, not someone else's, or dreaming of someone else's life. nahhh. that's overrated. better yet, i'm leaning whole-heartedly on the God who is revealed to me daily. He's never-changing, and yet there's something each day that i realize or learn about Him, and its enough to keep me going...and never looking back. goodbye, missing out. hello, living YOU.

.something.more.

be honest with me. can we make a difference?

walking the streets of san fran last night, i couldn't help but notice the increasing void that stretched between the lights in the townhouses high above the city streets, and the amount of people sleeping on the concrete steps, in door frames, and in the city park. am i wrong in thinking that this is something that demands a change? not only that, but the fact that we as Christians are called to take care of the poor and needy -- but are we truly doing it in a way that shows Christ's love? i wrestled in my mind with the idea of doing street ministry as i drove two other girls and myself to the church. most street preaching is simply thrusting the Word of God onto them in a "repent now!" action, or in the mode of "one and done." but why can't we develop relationships, and instead of shoving God in a "die, sinner!" attitude we could make Him real by out actions. repeated actions.

i met a guy named Derek last night. Derek radically rocked my world. as i was searching through my pack trying to find a pair of socks, i hear this "hey, are you giving free stuff? you got a coat in there?" i look over and see this silhouette of a man, fine featured and slightly metro. i gave him the coat off my back. in turn, he looks me up and down and pulls out a Jones New York two-piece suit that probbly cost more than what i was wearing combined...and gives it to me. this man who has nothing is not only accepting of me, but is giving back to me more than i gave him. it felt wrong. and yet, it touched my heart. the rest of the night i spent with him, talking, praying, and wondering. his story? not too sure. he has a degree, has been all over, is super-smart, talented to the tee, and yet he is walking around with a backpack of clothes and two shopping bags of random items. within five minutes of contact i realized that there is something crazy good, and something incredibly sad about him. i don't want to dilute his need for Christ -- on the contrary, he taught me more about God in his simple, easy going attitude. he has chosen the streets, though i am uncertain why. he has chosen to live the life of a nomad because he cannot committ...or does not want to settle. my heart aches as i think of him tonight. just one meeting, and my life is forever altered by him. but i wonder -- am i just another "Christian" that is stooping down from comfort & wealth to do a good deed, or will he remember me a few years from now and think, "that girl was different." is my impact ever going to be more than just a meeting?

meet muhammad. he's buddist. he also thinks he is beating the system by living in poverty and living off of food stamps while sneaking into college courses to "get a degree." he claims that the powers over him are limiting his rights and his abilities, so though he chose to be mess-up and get arrested, he is not going to succomb to the system that is "keeping him poor." but, his logic is faulty. he's choosing to stay in his position, relying on the government to keep him going, but he is at rock bottom. he's not winning -- he's losing because he's dependant on the government, on godly people who give him free things, and on doing drugs. all of this because he "wants to show the government he's not giving in." some life, huh? his something more is really living less.

i want to make a difference. i see hurts like derek's, hear stubborn ideas like muhammad's, and see hundreds of cries for help as i walked back to my warm vehicle. is there something more that i can be doing, or is this enough? or is this all?

but life is not all about the sad hurts. there's joy in simply living life. looking out above the hills, the ocean, and the moorland today as i flew down the hill at 60 mph on james' motorcycle, my heart could not help but sing praises to the One that this is all created for. the scenery was stunning, the bike was fast, and the company was good. my heart was screaming for "more, more!" but sometimes, its all so big, i can't take it in. beauty, in the midst of pain. i thank the Lord for the moments when my heart is about to bust because its longing for the "something more" that it will only truly grasp in heaven. i cherish the thought that one day, there will be more than this life, and that what i do here on earth will not be in vain. i pray the seed was planted in derek's heart, as his is in mine; sprouting, growing, reviving.

my quest.

"in times of trouble, may the LORD answer your cry. May the name of the God of Jacob keep you safe from all harm." --ps. 20:1

that is not only a true statement, but a promise. dude, i serve, love, and know a king. not just some dude, but the KING of all things, seen and unseen. He's not only just, knowing, strong and creative, but His very nature demands a never-ending love for His children. yeah, that's my Dad!

i was made for this moment. each day i intently desire to acknowledge Christ's authority on the throne, His creative and giving nature, and praise Him for the fact that HE IS. yesterday and today i have been totally rocked, humbled, and amazed at this very fact. i have three vivid instances in the past 24 hours that will forever be engraved into my heart. the Word clearly says "meditate on My teachings" and i am hekka gonna do it!

epic # 1.
four girls. driving on a winding road towards town. start smelling engine, check gauges light pops on, and internal temperate skyrockets to "warning" red. pull over to the side of the road, pop hood, check levels. four girls sticking their hands outside the car or standing on the side of the road (or crossing and almost getting hit!) with their cell phones trying to get reception. twenty cars go by. no cell reception. two very loud, "God! This is bad, we need your help, and we need it now!" and another 5 cars pass. then, the very man that was prayed for in the groanings of the heart shows up. not only shows up, but fixes car, offers to follow into town, and proceeds to give numbers of who to call and what to do. and then drives into the sunset on his white steed...also known as his Chevy truck.
dude. God provides. Ps.20:1. i started to cry, because the Lord heard me.

epic # 2.
"want to go biking at Point Raise?" umm, heck yes i do! sunny, warm, and breezy = perfection. well, never did make it there. take a trip into town for bikes and of course, Mitchell's fave, In&Out (eww!), start heading to Point Raise only to get stopped halfway there because apparantly a bad accident involving, of all things, a milk truck flipping over (cali cows are not happy today!) was overtaking the roads. so we turned around and hit up a legit place where massive stones for climbing, viewing and photographing were. unfortunately, we ignored the fence there...and the owners weren't too happy. they explicitly told us. oops. but we hit up a couple of seaside towns, in search of coffee (fail.) but ended up going off the traveled road to this mystical, surreal old grove reserve. kinda sketchy when i found this ritualistic fairy circle, complete with animal skulls, talismen and shelter...but God's beauty & simply His name overshadow any fear.
best part of the day -- simply talking straight up about sins, depravity, and passion with mitchell & luke. im excited for Mitchell's ministry aspirations as he is being called to raise up a generation of men to be warriors, fighters, and MEN for this King we serve named Christ.

epic # 3.
star studded sky. crashing tidal waves. uninhabited cove. mass rocks. sandy beach. blazing fire. roaring sound. intense conversation. gummy fish. joyful laughter. stillness. desires made known. passions rekindled. awkward moments. new memories made. incoming tide. star tripping. falling down in the ocean. wet pants from laughing so hard. good kind of tired.
this night reminded me of how God reveals Himself. to me, i see Him as simply lavishing me with His love. i stood on a rock tonight with the waves crashing around and on it, looking out into the ocean with only the stars lighting my view, and hearing the roar and the pounding of the surf, it was as my entire being was crying out to its Creator, as if it finally was realizing what and who it was made for. i could not, not sing. my heart simply was in awe of the One who made that moment. and i still get tears in my eyes for being allowed to experience it. not only that, but i realized tonight that these people are going to be the ones that forever shape my life, as i in the past month have grown and experienced more than i have in my entire life. its a never-ending desire to know more, experience more, seek more, and find more. through their lives, their example, and their words, i am finding out my quest. i am so thankful to be here. we chatted tonight about "if you could be anywhere, where would you want to be right now, and what would you be doing?" and i? well, i had no words, because my soul, every fiber of my being, was simply praising the Lord for bringing me HERE, and bringing me into the place where I KNOW i am to be.

"let all that i am, praise the LORD; with my whole heart, i will praise His holy name." ps. 103:1

love is an ocean wide

sometimes i just simply forget. i allow the busyness of my day, the distractions in my mind, the problems in my path to get in the way of what truly matters. even in these enchanted woods, my mind forgets to constantly turn my eyes towards the heavens and thank the Creator for these majestic creatures of beauty and timeless stories. may the heavens always sing their song of praise, because my words, my thoughts, and my actions fall short.

im in a reminicse-y sort of mood. heck, when am i not? sometimes it's easier to live in the past than it is to face the present. so often i find my heart wandering to better times and easier days and longer nights. tonight, i felt my heart suddenly overwhelmed with a longing and a pull to be home. i don't mean ohio. i mean in the Crazy Mountains, in the Boulder Valley, in the rickety old cabins of Clydehurst. maybe not even at the place...but i was truly missing what made that place my home -- the people who surrounded me. so, if you're from camp, and you're reading this, know that, though my body is miles away from you, my heart is nearby, for where you are, therealso is my heart and my love. even in the midst of other Christian communities (which, can i just say, i am truly blessed to be able to live, once again, in a community full of mature, seeking Christians? wow. wow. oh wow.) i still long for the one that i was a part of this past summer.

do you know the story behind me going back to Clydehurst for another summer? its truly testimony of God knowing all things and working them accordingly to our best. i was wrestling over what i should do for the summer. do i get an internship & stay at home (with a boy playing into that idea) or should i go back to camp, after what was truly a trying experience the previous summer? i was torn. i knew i needed to get this internship in, but ccr is truly a place like no other. you don't fully understand, even in the most descriptive words and detailed stories, until you experience it for yourself. well, i decided to dedicate my spring break, one spent on a deserted island in the middle of the gulf of Florida, to praying and seeking God's will for this. like most mornings on that island, i woke up early, due to crashing waves, blowing winds, and cold chills. but that morning, was different. i woke up, wide awake, and clear as day, i heard the Lord speak to me. one word. "camp." that was it. that's all He said. me, having the big, opinionted mouth that i do, said, "are you serious, Lord?! after what happened the the last time?" and He again said, "camp." i'm not much of a doubter when it comes to the Lord speaking plainly, but i figured He should know straight up how uncertain i was with this idea. but He said, "trust me."

"trust me." sounds so simple. such an easy concept to picture, but putting it into action? a whole different story. but looking back, i cannot imagine life if i had not been to camp. i would not have met some of the most incredible people i will ever encounter if i had let fear have its hold. i would not have experienced Christian community like the bride of Christ if i had allowed past experiences to drive me away. i would have never seen beautiful, amazing children like Maggie, the Cutler twins, and Bob come to Christ if i had let resentment keep me back like a prisoner. this whole trust issue is hard, especially in times when friends, friends of friends, high school classmates, and family members are dying in tragic ways for uncalled for reasons. trust is tough when you're not certain the God of love loves everyone the same. remember when i mentioned i often forget? its times like this that i forget to remember, to look back, to meditate on the blessings God has come through on, time and time again, and the unexplainable ways that He continues to work, renew, fix, and bless me...every day. i don't want to forget. sometimes i let doubt cloud my vision. im trying, truly i am, to remember. daily. moment by moment. to remember the God who is. God is, and all is well.

feeling the flames.

"for everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. a time to be born and a time to die. a time to plant and a time to harvest. a time to kill and a time to heal. a time to tear down and a time to build up. a time to cry and a time to laugh. a time to grieve and a time to dance. a time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. a time to embrace and a time to turn away. a time to search and a time to quit searching. a time to keep and a time to throw away. a time to tear and a time to mend. a time to be quiet and a time to speak. a time to love and a time to hate. a time for war and a time for peace. what do people really get for all their hard work? i have seen the burden God has placed on us all. yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end." ecc. 3:1-11



refining fires hurt. especially when Satan's also shooting flaming arrows of doubt, anger, and anguish, piercing my heart and making it hard to breathe. i so desperately want to glorify God in my angst and my sadness, but all i can do is simply plead that the Holy Spirit will intercede, for the groanings of my heart are all that i can offer to the Lord.

this past weekend, i found out a dear, sweet girl from my high school class passed away because of a rare blood disease. she was 22. she was married. and now, she is simply a memory. is this how it will be from now to eternity? that we are simply a whispering wind, to be forgotten by the daily toil of the earth's day-to-day tasks? to have life so fleeting & so seemingly insignificant? and yet, we are the pride & joy of our Creator. why does it seem so oxymoronic?

fast forward to today. i found out my dear, sweet, little brother Nils is grieving the loss of his 25-year-old brother, who died tragically after falling off a cliff while hiking the mountains of O'Ahu. does this seem right? NO! "a time for every season under heaven..." he was apart of Teach for America. he challenged students to be better than the low standard that society had labeled his students with. he was loved by his community and his school. his season ended far too early.

we lose a staff person today. not because of wrong actions or neglect, but because he physically is unable to perform at a level necessary for the job. this is not due to being obese or out of shape -- something he could control. no. its far more simple than that. he is unable to meet "our level of standards" because he had a brain tumor at age 8, causing him to function slightly slower physically than the rest of us. he may not have the best balance or the fastest hands, but he is brilliant -- in his jokes, in his understanding of life, and in his ability to teach. i feel like i am losing a part of me, as i cherish this friend who, in his short time being here, has given me the most laughs, taught me how to love life, and has given me more insight to teaching than i was ever expecting. i am so grateful for wade...and utterly devastated in his leaving.

life isn't fair. we hear that all the time. "tough luck." "that's too bad." "life's not fair." we've all gotten it before. but tell that to the mother who has lost her son. tell that to the husband who is grieving over the loss of his better half. tell that to the man who was left crippled by a childhood disease, and because of that, his dream has been crushed. i stood out in the middle of the parking lot, crying out in anguish because, if there was ever a case for "life's not fair," THIS IS IT! and i don't get it still.

talking with wade tonight, he is still at peace for this closing door. he said that "the Lord directs a man's path." and he is open to where God will take him next. he said his impact has been made, and now it is time to go and be a light, be a light to others. Nils, in the midst of such tragedy, is telling me not to worry, that he's surrounded by people who are supporting him, and that its going to be alright. he's pointing me to Psalms 57, where it says "i will hide beneath the shadow of your wings...my heart is confident in you, O God; my heart is confident. no wonder i can sing your praises...your unfailing love is as high as the heavens. Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds. be exalted, O God, above the heavens..." i'm hearing endless accounts of Missy, and the lives that she touched because throughout her entire life, she battled this disease with grace, strength, and love. she was a spokesperson for this rarity, and she stood her ground until she was called home. there is praise being spoken of all she had done.

there is hope in the midst of all of this pain. each person is feeding me beauty that they're finding among the ashes. each person is singing a song of praise admist the storms. and here i am, shaking like a leaf. i want to trust, to find peace, but my heart, which feels to the depths of emotion, is breaking against the stress. pray for me, brothers & sisters. i love these people dearly, and wish i could do something for them, and give back to them what they have given me...the desire to find hope. but i think that i would just be giving them lies. only time will tell.

wrestling with "love"

i'm just going to be straight up.

i don't understand God's version of love.

thank goodness for grace, because if salvation was on faith alone, i think i would have been swimming in that lake of fire years ago. my faith lacks so much sometimes. more often than not, i think.

something i have been mulling around in my mind for the past couple weeks is this idea of God's love for us. not just us His children, but us as in His entire creation. i don't struggle with that fact that He loves me, or fight to understand the depth of His love -- no, i am legitimately confused, doubting, and struggling with the delivery & destination modes of His love. i pray that as i write this mess of confusion that is tangled within my mind and soul that someone out there, reading this post, will be able to either relate with my struggles or, God willing, be able to help guide a lost and broken girl to firmer ground in Christ. my heart is willing but my flesh & spirit are so very weak.

here's what i do not, for the life of me, understand the way that God bestows a mulitude of blessings to some, and then what seems to be little or none to others. as i sit wrapped up in my J.Crew sheets and Nike running gear, my mind is thousands of miles away in a village where the rows of sod and metal shacks stretch to the horizon, and children are fighting for attention, for survival, for love, and for their lives. i know that i am spoiled, that i am blessed, and that i am wealthier than 99% of the world's population. what i don't understand is, "why me?" did someone happen to do something thousands of years ago that would centuries later place me in a home with two parents, a job, and an opportunity to essentially play in the outdoors all the time in the future? do i really deserve this position in life? honestly, i get angry thinking about this. i admit it. i am angry with God...over His blessings in my life. That sounds completely moronic and selfish and retarded, but straight up, i struggle with this. i sit here with everything in need and then some, while there are others who tonight will go to bed on a hard, cold ground with nothing to cover them with. why do i seem more "blessed" than them. God doesn't love them any less. but why does it seem that way?

i think back to the old testament. a lot of people don't really like the OT, though my favorite book of the Bible resides right smack dab in the middle of it. yet in it, i see a God who shows favor to one group -- His chosen people, Israel -- and disregards all other nations. battle with Israel (when they're following God like they should, that is) and POOF, they're decimated and crawling back to their homelands. does that mean that God doesn't love those nations? did they get the "sorry, you don't have the golden ticket for this gate, you'll have to take the long black train headed down south" simply because they didn't have the label of "Israel" stamped across their hindparts? i can almost picture the Israelites yelling "SUCKA'S!" cause they got the blessing...and the others didn't. what did they do, or what didn't they do that caused them to "miss out"...or did our human depravity through a 'series of unfortunate events" push some nations out of the redeeming circle?

fast forward to today's world. how is it that on one side of the street, people are wining and dining in luxuary while across the road children are sick, starving and dying. why did i get put in a place of such wealth while others are in such poverty. God, do you love them like you love me?! why do i not see how you love them?! Camp South Africa, one of the satellite camp ministries that Alliance Redwoods has started, funded, and facilitated for the past four years spoke tonight at our staff banquet, and i gotta tell you that i still am seething and melting from the stories & the experiences that were shared. in my own weakness, i am feeling completely separated from my Savior because, right now, i am lacking the faith to love a God who seems to allow for favorites...and in my eyes, i see my position as being more favored, and i don't like it. i mostly don't like myself for doubting....yet i do believe that God is big enough to handle my doubts and my realness. david, you have some competition tonight.

can anyone help me sort through this pain? something i really struggle with is simply knowing that i am in this place, this very moment, for a reason...that God is telling me my story and no one elses...but we are called in Matthew 28:19-20 to "therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age." (NLT) What about Isaiah 61: 1-3? "The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is upon me, for the LORD has annointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted and to proclim that captives will be freed. He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of the LORD's favor has come, and with it, the day of God's anger against their enemies. To all who mourn in Israel, He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great [redwoods] that the LORD has planted for His own glory." i see this commission, this epic adventure, this quest given by the Creator Himself, but i'm stuck in "park" mode, unable to get past the fact that i was given this life, and not one like theirs.

pray with me, dear brothers & sisters. this is a battle not to be won easily, and not without tears & pain. i desire so desperately to understand the God i serve, but if i cannot even be satisfied with the blessings He has given me, how will i ever be effective in my ministry to those who have nothing. i fear i will just be caught up in the anger of my own struggles, or even worse, crack under my lack of faith. i do not want to be burdened with this doubt but rather freed in Christ. if you have ANY thoughts, Scripture, or experiences that could in any possible way relate to my struggles, i beg as a sister in Christ, for you to share them with me. i cannot do this alone.

disney parks, ranch life, & enchanted forests (part 2)

"so we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view. at one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view. how differently we know Him now! this means that anyone who belongs in Christ has become a new person. the old life is gone; a new life has begun!" (2 cor. 5:16-17)

when you go to the Word hungry, you will get fed. it's that simple. it's still astounding. i needed this so much this past week, and i fall on my knees in praise to the God who has helped me get past my own deal to see & deal with others with love.

when i last left off, i was pulling out of my driveway, saying goodbye to the life i had always known and dearly love. our first night's stop took us to Springfield, MO, where it was cold as all get out...1 degree is not my favorite type of weather. don't get me wrong. snow = boss. frostbite, hypothermia, death = not so much. pretty normal scenery till we hit new mexico, where we stopped in Alberquerqe, NM, where the sky is as big as the land is far. i could have stayed right there on the mesa and been perfectly content, but california still called. i spent the first three days mostly sleeping due to being sick...i am so thankful for my brother who is steady at the wheel and loving at the heart. he takes good care of me. wednesday night we cross the california border after a lovely day of mountains, mesa, snow and sunsets. i laugh that we got stopped by border patrol and had to give up our fruit... andrew george, your dream job, eh? ;) california was a balmy 60 degrees and welcomed us with a dilemma. that morning i had gotten word that my frantic trip to make it out to CA in time for the jan. 11 start date was in vain...yes, they pushed the start date back a week. so now i was in CA with an extra week's time and nothing to do. so, what did we decide to do? well, its all about location, location, location. :) we were in so-cal, right? so of course we decided to take thursday and go visit disneyland! i can proudly say that i have visited all the disney parks within two weeks of each other. i also was able to spend quality fun time with my brother who i dearly love. did i mention it was beautiful day with a high of 75 degrees? mmmn hmmm. friday dawned bright and clear as we made our way north towards the place i would call my home for six months.

i live in an enchanted forest. think narnia, star wars (episode 6), and LOTR all in one. one minute we were driving through rolling hills, farmland and scruffy trees (which i now can identify as tan oaks!) and the next we dropped down into wooded land and the tallest trees i've ever seen. we pulled into Alliance Redwoods around 5 pm and were greeted by...uh...no one. there was no one in the house, and we actually didn't see anyone till the following day! thomas and i took the next day to explore the village & also the beach. the woods are lovely here...so many fairy circles and also leprechauns (for reals!) that its absolutely crazy! i also was faced with the dilemma of what to do for the following week. i came into this place with honestly a bad attitude, a defeated spirit, and an unhappy face. so, in my desperation, i called up my dear friend laurel and asked if i could come visit her.

what? spend a week on a ranch? with nothing for miles and simply animals and deep, spiritual company? what could be better? what could be more invigorating for the soul? i needed to be immersed into california slowly (can we say culture shock?) but also i needed something to revive my spirit -- to make me excited for who i am, and what my purpose was out here. perhaps to simply find my purpose.

a sad departing, i dropped my brother off at the airport & cut my final ties to home. i love my family & miss them dearly, but knew that it was time to head off onto my own path. so, i hopped into to my car and started off for elk creek. here i would find rest, peace, and serenity.

just wait.

disney parks, ranch life, & enchanted forests.

God loves rabbit holes & backstage scenes.



hold on, let me explain my thoughts.



ever get struck by the fact that the realms of the unseen not only work against us, but are more often working for us? that means that while Satan is trying his very best to bring us down, throw us off track, and break apart our faith, God and His angels are working harder & are going beyond to bless and direct our paths. most of the time we do not get the chance to understand or the opportunity to look at what God is doing, but, just once in a while -- in rare glimpses -- we are given the chance to look at the inner workings and see they paths God has brought us on.



funny how those moments can completely change your attitude, your purpose, and your zeal for the Creator.



one month ago, i was still living day by day, simply floating through time & the pace of life. yesterday, i was given a glimpse of the paths God has brought me on, and i am all the better for it. i thank God for the people who helped bring me to the place i am today, as well as the fact that He loves me enough to bring me all the way across the country to radically change my life. if that's all it takes, then i'll pack up BA (my car) and travel back again.



let me fill in the gaps.

i left life after college in God's hands, since my hands were full with race planning, end of college preparations, and 5 jobs. i spent most of my time running from one place to another, while i let my job searches, applications and interviews go by the wayside. surprisingly, God allowed me to have several interviews and lots of interest from places in MA, VA, TX, OH & NY. Yet, I wasn't exactly excited about any one of those places...espcially MA...I mean really, do I seem like the type who would live in the city? pshaw. as graduation crept closer, i finally decided just to pray & seek God's best, wherever He took me. Then, one later Thursday night, i hopped on the CCCA website randomly, since i hadn't been there in a while. to my surprise, there was a job posting for this seemingly amazing place in Occidental, CA, for a Naturalist position at a camp called Alliance Redwoods Conference Grounds. see, i had looked at this camp earlier in the year, but seeing they had no positions available, i had pushed it to the back of my mind. now, they were not only hiring, but desperate for teachers. without really thinking, i downloaded an application, and stayed up late filling it out. i finished it early the next morning (friday), and sent it in. later that afternoon, i got a phone call, had an interview, and a promise to hear back from them early the next week. monday rolls around, and i got an email offering me the job. tuesday afternoon, i signed a contract and radically changed my direction. now i had to find a way to get out to CA by jan. 10, and also leave everything i have ever known. in one quick weekend, i switched from being a college student to a working girl in the real world. for someone who has barely stepped off her home soil (in a figural sense), i was making leaps towards a new adventure.

phase deux. job # 2.

the next day, while i was simply sitting in my room, procrastinating a silly paper, i got an unknown phone call on my cell. ringing a voicemail, i listened to the message, and ended up putting my roommate in a panic with all of the "oh my gosh"s and panicked look on my face. the phone call was from Washington State University, informing me i was a finalist for their gradute assistant position in experiential education, and they wanted an interview. now i not only had a real job, but the chance to perhaps go to grad school for free with a legit position to boot. praise God from whom all blessings flow. will wonders never cease? not on my own doing, believe me. i had an interview the night before i graduated, and then placed the position in God's hands. little did i know that i would be receiving a phone call the following week from them. i can remember exactly what happened. i was walking towards the "Energy" display at Epcot Center, when i felt my phone ring for a voicemail. i sat on the bench, listened to the voicemail, and then promptly laid down and told my parents i was going to be sick. God once again astounds me with blessings, as the voicemail was an offer for the position. so hello california, then on to washington! mcgee!

did i forget to mention the fact that i graduated? that was interesting. i really thought i was going to cry and be nervous and get upset, but as i walked into lucky gym, i simply had a peace that it was time to leave. "for such a time as this" mordicai tells esther as she is brought to face the challege of saving her people, or her life. though my life was not in danger, i was brought to iwu for "such a time as this," and now was the time to flee or to fly. so i flew -- down the isle, up the stairs, and out the door with my diploma...holder. don't worry, i made a face and the "rock on" sign to my family. gotta be real.
(i miss that place already. it was the time of my life. but i will always treasure the memory.)

so, fast forward two weeks. i graduated, went on vacation to disneyworld (yeah baby!), then took a week to pack up my life in a car & say goodbye to friends i've had for years, not to mention a place that i have called home all my life, and to my family which is the most important thing in my life after my relationship with Christ. i said goodbye january 5, and pulled out the driveway with my stuff stowed away, and my brother in the driver seat. (yep, couldn't take a road trip without him!)

ok. this post is extremely long. my fingers are no longer functioning, so au revoir!