i'm adding my own version.
"when you desire comfort in life, you're buying your ticket for the unknown destination train."
this is the life i love. this is the life i lead. this is the life that likes to kick me to the curb, and then run over my brand new Chacos, just for kicks. does any one else feel this way? as if you take two steps forward, one step back, and then realize all the while that your headlamp is out of batteries? i cannot imagine my life any other way.
yet, i look around our apartment, the good ole T202, and think, "is this it?"
(though i admit, i do love the twinkling christmas lights, louis armstrong playing in the background, and the smell of fresh homemade bread in the oven.)
i'm feeling that itch again. like there is something missing, some place i'm missing out on, some other life i was meant to lead. i hear the wind rattling my window panes as i sit and type paper #201993939-84q (why is there a "q" in there?), and my heart begins to ache so badly i thinking i need to find some Bayer. i like the mystique of tributing this "inner spirit" to my Native American heritage, but then i begin to sound like i'm from a Disney movie, so I instead begin to analyze why, so frequently, I find my heart tearing at its strings, and I feel the inner ache of "something more."
did i mention i'm looking to leave washington? as i was putting my brand new WA license plates on Hannibal, i was also running through my checklist in my mind -- "call references. submit grad school application. check on transcripts. find out what an odyssey III is. try to convince my boss not to hate me." oh, the lists. my good friend ken once said, "christa, the thing that stuck out to me in this book was the part where the company made a 'not to do' list. you need to put 'making lists' on your 'not to do list.'" not only did i think this was extremely oxymoronic, but also similar to cutting off my right hand. "if your right hand causes you to sin, it is better for you to cut it off..." paraphrased, Jesus.
oh dear. good bye, right hand.
do you think dissatisfaction is a sin? be honest with me.
sometimes i wonder. do i really understand this concept of faith, trust, love & Jesus? of course not. but do i understand where i need to pursue understanding? i'm not sure. see, i think i have a grasp on where i need to be working with Jesus in aspects (so many. truth.) of my life, as He continues to refine and define who i am as His child...and yet, what if, i am completely off kelter where i actually am? i think that's where the voice of Christ infiltrates and guides through daily devotion and pursuit of Him, and where questions are answered, fears are eliminated, and satisfaction is completed...
ahh. maybe its not the wind tugging at my heart, afterall.
blessings and peace, dear ones.
"Then I said, 'Here I am...I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart." -- Ps. 40:7-8
