feeling the flames.

"for everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. a time to be born and a time to die. a time to plant and a time to harvest. a time to kill and a time to heal. a time to tear down and a time to build up. a time to cry and a time to laugh. a time to grieve and a time to dance. a time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. a time to embrace and a time to turn away. a time to search and a time to quit searching. a time to keep and a time to throw away. a time to tear and a time to mend. a time to be quiet and a time to speak. a time to love and a time to hate. a time for war and a time for peace. what do people really get for all their hard work? i have seen the burden God has placed on us all. yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end." ecc. 3:1-11



refining fires hurt. especially when Satan's also shooting flaming arrows of doubt, anger, and anguish, piercing my heart and making it hard to breathe. i so desperately want to glorify God in my angst and my sadness, but all i can do is simply plead that the Holy Spirit will intercede, for the groanings of my heart are all that i can offer to the Lord.

this past weekend, i found out a dear, sweet girl from my high school class passed away because of a rare blood disease. she was 22. she was married. and now, she is simply a memory. is this how it will be from now to eternity? that we are simply a whispering wind, to be forgotten by the daily toil of the earth's day-to-day tasks? to have life so fleeting & so seemingly insignificant? and yet, we are the pride & joy of our Creator. why does it seem so oxymoronic?

fast forward to today. i found out my dear, sweet, little brother Nils is grieving the loss of his 25-year-old brother, who died tragically after falling off a cliff while hiking the mountains of O'Ahu. does this seem right? NO! "a time for every season under heaven..." he was apart of Teach for America. he challenged students to be better than the low standard that society had labeled his students with. he was loved by his community and his school. his season ended far too early.

we lose a staff person today. not because of wrong actions or neglect, but because he physically is unable to perform at a level necessary for the job. this is not due to being obese or out of shape -- something he could control. no. its far more simple than that. he is unable to meet "our level of standards" because he had a brain tumor at age 8, causing him to function slightly slower physically than the rest of us. he may not have the best balance or the fastest hands, but he is brilliant -- in his jokes, in his understanding of life, and in his ability to teach. i feel like i am losing a part of me, as i cherish this friend who, in his short time being here, has given me the most laughs, taught me how to love life, and has given me more insight to teaching than i was ever expecting. i am so grateful for wade...and utterly devastated in his leaving.

life isn't fair. we hear that all the time. "tough luck." "that's too bad." "life's not fair." we've all gotten it before. but tell that to the mother who has lost her son. tell that to the husband who is grieving over the loss of his better half. tell that to the man who was left crippled by a childhood disease, and because of that, his dream has been crushed. i stood out in the middle of the parking lot, crying out in anguish because, if there was ever a case for "life's not fair," THIS IS IT! and i don't get it still.

talking with wade tonight, he is still at peace for this closing door. he said that "the Lord directs a man's path." and he is open to where God will take him next. he said his impact has been made, and now it is time to go and be a light, be a light to others. Nils, in the midst of such tragedy, is telling me not to worry, that he's surrounded by people who are supporting him, and that its going to be alright. he's pointing me to Psalms 57, where it says "i will hide beneath the shadow of your wings...my heart is confident in you, O God; my heart is confident. no wonder i can sing your praises...your unfailing love is as high as the heavens. Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds. be exalted, O God, above the heavens..." i'm hearing endless accounts of Missy, and the lives that she touched because throughout her entire life, she battled this disease with grace, strength, and love. she was a spokesperson for this rarity, and she stood her ground until she was called home. there is praise being spoken of all she had done.

there is hope in the midst of all of this pain. each person is feeding me beauty that they're finding among the ashes. each person is singing a song of praise admist the storms. and here i am, shaking like a leaf. i want to trust, to find peace, but my heart, which feels to the depths of emotion, is breaking against the stress. pray for me, brothers & sisters. i love these people dearly, and wish i could do something for them, and give back to them what they have given me...the desire to find hope. but i think that i would just be giving them lies. only time will tell.