giving back blessings.

my world is about to become a little bigger.

the verdict is in. i'm going to washington state university, grad school extraordinaire.
can we say terrifying? amazing? humbling? i don't even know where to begin.

for you who don't exactly know the ramifications or the story behind this revelation, allow me to give you a quick recap. back in october, i applied for a graduate assistantship at WSU to head up the Experiential Education department there under their recreation center. i had no hopes of getting the job, but was utterly astonished when, just a few days before i graduated, i received a phone call stating i was a finalist for the position. a few weeks later, i receieved notice that i had been chosen for this job. i was floored, and literally fell to the ground (at Epcot Center in Disneyworld, no less. slightly embarassing, to say the least. hehe.) well, since then, there has been red tape after red tape stopping my every move and effort to get in. i could only accept the position on the terms that i would get into grad school. more problems -- the program i applied for was closed off for the year...no applications ANYWHERE. therefore, i had a decision to make -- apply for another program, one i don't want, or give up the position and my dream. i prayed, i felt peace, and i made the move to just try. this meant taking the GRE on 2 weeks notice, reapplying, sending new applications & recommendations...and basically giving all i could. then, it was in the Lord's hands. and well, He honored this effort with placing me in grad school. so, hello washington!

going to a new place means a whole new life, and now i am only beginning to see the full ramifications of this acceptance. that was the easy part -- now i am restarting my entire life, and i have only a few short weeks to do it in. but to be honest, now is not the time to think about all of this. nope. all that stress can wait. there's something i must do before i even think about washington. something that i messed up with california.

i love Oswald Chambers. the lovely Hope Hardaway started my journey with good old Ozzie this past summer, starting out mornings out at breakfast with a daily dose of his God-driven wisdom. so, i bought the book, and each day its been a kick in the pants because i literally see on the pages before my eyes God's direct words to my life. Oz wrote this simple passage about worship.

"worship is giving God the best that He has given you. be careful what you do with the best you have. whenever you get a blessing from God, give it back to Him as a love-gift. take time to meditate before God and offer the blessing back to Him in a deliberate act of worship. if you hoard it for yourself, it will turn into spiritual dry rot, as the manna did when it was hoarded."

see, i've been about this blessing thing all wrong. i pray to God, expecting to see Him act for my "betterment," and when He does come through for me, i thank Him...and then embark on my adventure. but i've forgotten to give to Him what is due. this blessing given to me is not mine to keep, not mine to enjoy alone.

it's all His. and His alone. that's why we live this life, isn't it? or, at least, this is how we ought to live -- "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, your soul, and your mind." that means giving to Him every part of me...even the blessings He already has showered me with. that's why, before i dive into the crashing waves of uncertainty, excitement, and paperwork, i'm going to stop, and dedicate my blessing back to the Lord. i didn't do it with california, and now i am seeing the consequences of not being aware of what this blessing is. so its my time to give to the Lord what He's given to me. i want to honor Him with this blessing, you know? I don't want to do this Washington thing on my own, but rather, live this blessing guided by His loving hand.

"Listen! it's the voice of someone shouting, 'Clear the way through the wilderness for the LORD! Make a straight highway through the wasteland for our God! Fill in the valleys, and level thr mountains and hills. Straighten the curves and smooth out the rough places. Then the glory of the LORD will be revealed, and all people will see it together! The LORD has spoken!'" -- Isaiah 40:3-6

let's be spontaneous, shall we?

one cryptic message. one bewildered question. one frantic computer task & late night phone call. one hour later, i'm booked on a flight to HOME.

yep. just one little change and my whole world is thrown into a frenzy. i found out at 8:30 pm wednesday night that i had the next week and a half off of work. could i do it? would it be cheap enough? should i wake my parents up? all these thoughts running through my mind, but one spoke louder than the doubts -- why not?

so now, its 6:37 am, as i sit in the sacramento airport waiting for my flight to start to board. in my usual fashion, i almost boarded the plane for Phoenix instead of Las Vegas (Mark Lowrey, you got nothin on me!) i've been awake since 2:30 am, running on 3 hurried & excited hours of sleep, a medium sized java mach, and on pure adrenaline for going home. it'll be a long day, but it'll be an adventure! isn't that what life is all about?

as i sit here pondering, i am becoming more and more distracted by the happenings around me. a sweet little girl with her mother just walked by, and in her innocence of youth i hear her asking her mother questions, and listening in full confidence of her mother's ingenuity. she reminds me of happy times, where i was young, trusting, fully secure in the capable hands of my own parents. and in this instant, i stop and think about my Heavenly Father, the utmost and perfect parent i could ever have. and i am amazed, and also ashamed.

see, i see this trust of a little child as i sit here waiting to continue my already exciting adventure, and im realizing the subtle touch of the Father's hand on my heart, using this very moment to teach me more about Himself and the journey of life I am on. see, i have been waiting anxiously for months to hear back from grad school. i am in this proverbial "purgatory," waiting, waiting, waiting for whatever is going to happen next, and it's not looking promising. in january, i had my life all mapped out, even to the exact dates of when and where. and now, as time starts to crunch closer and closer, i'm fighting bosses, deadlines, questions, needs, bills and jobs just to simply stay afloat. this isn't quite the adventure i was expecting.

but life's adventures aren't always planned, don't always look good on paper, often don't follow the easiest route. especially on God's map. its often scattered-- missing pieces of the puzzles -- jumping in leaps of faith and to unexpected territories, and often, it's only the promise of all truth revealed in Heaven will we finally see & fill in the missing pieces. i have come so far in my 22 years of life (shoot, i'm 22! ahh! i feel so old!) -- "o ye of little faith!" He has done so much for me in my adventure already -- will He not moreso cover me in my times of unknown? seeing the little girl have so much security in her mother's loving hands...how much more do i have knowing that the Creator of the Universe is watching out for me?

sometimes, i get lost in my own sea of doubt. i allow the crushing blows of the world to drown out my tiny seed of faith. but, right now, in this moment, i'm reminded of the loving hand of my Creator, and well, i'm taking a deep breath, and im ready to plunge into this adventure set before me. even if grad school is a bust, i'm still in for a mighty good ride. even if i don't know what i'm going to do in a few weeks or, oh dear, a year, i know that wherever God takes me, it's going to be a fun ride.

"it is well with my soul."