i'm just going to be straight up.
i don't understand God's version of love.
thank goodness for grace, because if salvation was on faith alone, i think i would have been swimming in that lake of fire years ago. my faith lacks so much sometimes. more often than not, i think.
something i have been mulling around in my mind for the past couple weeks is this idea of God's love for us. not just us His children, but us as in His entire creation. i don't struggle with that fact that He loves me, or fight to understand the depth of His love -- no, i am legitimately confused, doubting, and struggling with the delivery & destination modes of His love. i pray that as i write this mess of confusion that is tangled within my mind and soul that someone out there, reading this post, will be able to either relate with my struggles or, God willing, be able to help guide a lost and broken girl to firmer ground in Christ. my heart is willing but my flesh & spirit are so very weak.
here's what i do not, for the life of me, understand the way that God bestows a mulitude of blessings to some, and then what seems to be little or none to others. as i sit wrapped up in my J.Crew sheets and Nike running gear, my mind is thousands of miles away in a village where the rows of sod and metal shacks stretch to the horizon, and children are fighting for attention, for survival, for love, and for their lives. i know that i am spoiled, that i am blessed, and that i am wealthier than 99% of the world's population. what i don't understand is, "why me?" did someone happen to do something thousands of years ago that would centuries later place me in a home with two parents, a job, and an opportunity to essentially play in the outdoors all the time in the future? do i really deserve this position in life? honestly, i get angry thinking about this. i admit it. i am angry with God...over His blessings in my life. That sounds completely moronic and selfish and retarded, but straight up, i struggle with this. i sit here with everything in need and then some, while there are others who tonight will go to bed on a hard, cold ground with nothing to cover them with. why do i seem more "blessed" than them. God doesn't love them any less. but why does it seem that way?
i think back to the old testament. a lot of people don't really like the OT, though my favorite book of the Bible resides right smack dab in the middle of it. yet in it, i see a God who shows favor to one group -- His chosen people, Israel -- and disregards all other nations. battle with Israel (when they're following God like they should, that is) and POOF, they're decimated and crawling back to their homelands. does that mean that God doesn't love those nations? did they get the "sorry, you don't have the golden ticket for this gate, you'll have to take the long black train headed down south" simply because they didn't have the label of "Israel" stamped across their hindparts? i can almost picture the Israelites yelling "SUCKA'S!" cause they got the blessing...and the others didn't. what did they do, or what didn't they do that caused them to "miss out"...or did our human depravity through a 'series of unfortunate events" push some nations out of the redeeming circle?
fast forward to today's world. how is it that on one side of the street, people are wining and dining in luxuary while across the road children are sick, starving and dying. why did i get put in a place of such wealth while others are in such poverty. God, do you love them like you love me?! why do i not see how you love them?! Camp South Africa, one of the satellite camp ministries that Alliance Redwoods has started, funded, and facilitated for the past four years spoke tonight at our staff banquet, and i gotta tell you that i still am seething and melting from the stories & the experiences that were shared. in my own weakness, i am feeling completely separated from my Savior because, right now, i am lacking the faith to love a God who seems to allow for favorites...and in my eyes, i see my position as being more favored, and i don't like it. i mostly don't like myself for doubting....yet i do believe that God is big enough to handle my doubts and my realness. david, you have some competition tonight.
can anyone help me sort through this pain? something i really struggle with is simply knowing that i am in this place, this very moment, for a reason...that God is telling me my story and no one elses...but we are called in Matthew 28:19-20 to "therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age." (NLT) What about Isaiah 61: 1-3? "The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is upon me, for the LORD has annointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted and to proclim that captives will be freed. He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of the LORD's favor has come, and with it, the day of God's anger against their enemies. To all who mourn in Israel, He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great [redwoods] that the LORD has planted for His own glory." i see this commission, this epic adventure, this quest given by the Creator Himself, but i'm stuck in "park" mode, unable to get past the fact that i was given this life, and not one like theirs.
pray with me, dear brothers & sisters. this is a battle not to be won easily, and not without tears & pain. i desire so desperately to understand the God i serve, but if i cannot even be satisfied with the blessings He has given me, how will i ever be effective in my ministry to those who have nothing. i fear i will just be caught up in the anger of my own struggles, or even worse, crack under my lack of faith. i do not want to be burdened with this doubt but rather freed in Christ. if you have ANY thoughts, Scripture, or experiences that could in any possible way relate to my struggles, i beg as a sister in Christ, for you to share them with me. i cannot do this alone.
wow! what a perplexing thought! I have no idea what to say to you other than maybe He blessed you with these things so that you can give them away. That's the only conclusion that I can come to in my life. The only reason to spend such a ridiculous amount of money to go to IWU and be allowed to have a car and roof over my head is for God to teach me and mold for a season before He shows me and allows me to give it all away. I'm sorry I don't have any brilliant thoughts for you :( I hope you are doing well otherwise in California!
ReplyDelete<3 Crystal
oh christa love...i dont know, but maybe the physical/material/worldly blessings dont really matter. maybe we are all blessed in different ways and all have the responsibility to share whatever it is God has given us...money, joy, faith, wisdom...sorry to be cliche, but Isaiah 55 came to mind (its my fav)
ReplyDelete"Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.
Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.
Give ear and come to me;
hear me, that your soul may live.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
my faithful love promised to David.
See, I have made him a witness to the peoples,
a leader and commander of the peoples.
Surely you will summon nations you know not,
and nations that do not know you will hasten to you,
because of the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel,
for he has endowed you with splendor."
Seek the LORD while he may be found;
call on him while he is near.
Let the wicked forsake his way
and the evil man his thoughts.
Let him turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on him,
and to our God, for he will freely pardon.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the LORD's renown,
for an everlasting sign,
which will not be destroyed."
Christa, this is going to be long:
ReplyDeleteI hate the fact that you’re struggling, yet at the same time, it is so awesome!
“Consider it all JOY, my brethren, when you encounter various TRIALS, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be PERFECT and COMPLETE, LACKING IN NOTHING.” (James 1:2-4, emphasis)
For, as James says, it is during these times that we grow and mature most in Christ. So, hard times are a beautiful thing, and I sometimes find myself asking God for more of them because I know that I will run to Him and be found in Him. At the end of the day, or life, this is all that matters, and I want to be with Him, no matter what it takes. This is a good thing that you’re experiencing.
I hope and pray that I will be able to give you more understanding in these areas, and “that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of Him.” (Ephesians 1:17)
Without further to do, let’s jump into why God blesses some people or people groups, and not others. First, we must realize (I’m sure you already do, but it must be re-emphasized) that wealth is not merely measured monetarily or in physical possessions. For some of the people who have the most money may be the most depraved of true wealth—knowing God, having an intimate relationship with Him, who have arrived at the point of true desire for Him, and know and are excited about spending eternity with Him, forever gazing upon his truly limitless, fathomless beauty, for He is the very definition of true pleasure. This opportunity for true wealth, regardless of physical circumstance, as you may recall, is extended to all of humanity.
“For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because that which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse.” (Romans 1:18-20)
“The heavens are TELLING of the glory of God; and their expanse is DECLARING the work of His hands. Day to day pours forth SPEECH, and night to night REVEALS KNOWLEDGE. There is no speech, nor are there words; their voice is not heard (Audibly). Their line has gone out through all the earth, and their utterances to the end of the world.” (Psalm 19:1-4, emphasis and parenthetical explanation)
ReplyDeleteAs Misty Edwards says, there is a great equalizer that everyone experiences called death. Everybody dies. What do people take with them to the grave? Everything (that is, physical). None of our physical possessions transfer over to the next life. Only the spiritual, our souls, transfer over. What we did on the inside of our beings in this life transfers over. Everything inside comes to the surface. Did we learn to love God, and to love others (the 1st and 2nd commandment, of which all the law and prophets is comprised)? To truly love God with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength? With everything? Or, at least trying with maximal effort to attain to it, since it is impossible to reach 100%. To live the “Sermon on the Mount lifestyle” (Matthew 5, 6, and 7) by desiring God with everything, loving others, even our enemies, praying, fasting, giving to others, producing fruit in our lives and the lives of others.
I say all of that to say that we are on equal playing fields when it comes to spiritual things. If you ask “How can that be, since we have more churches and religious institutions than anyone else?” then is our nation, the morality of the people, in the church and outside the church, any righteous than anyone else?
So why do some people have more than others (possessions, etc.)? Remember that the present conditions in the world are a result not of God’s original plan, but of fallen mankind, rampant with sin. The world was never designed by God to be a place of suffering, but it is. Some have more than others, and in man’s greed and sin, many are left without. Without getting too much into the discussion of the sovereignty of God vs. man’s free will, I will say that I believe God gives people, like many Americans, more so that they can take it to the hungry, the sick, and the needy, in the name of Jesus (Matthew 25). Also, keep in mind God’s plan for the earth that has been around since day one:
“The Pharisees and Sadducees came up, and testing Jesus, they asked Him to show them a sign from heaven. But He replied to them, “When it is evening, you say, ‘It will be fair weather, for the sky is red.’ And in the morning, ‘There will be a storm today, for the sky is red and threatening.’ Do you know how to discern the appearance of the sky, but cannot discern the signs of the times?” (Matthew 16:1-3)
“You will be hearing of wars and rumors of wars. See that you are not frightened, for those things must take place, but that is not yet the end. For nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom, and in various places there will be famines and earthquakes. But all these things are merely the beginnings of birth pangs.” (Matthew 24:6-8)
Jesus is saying to the Pharisees and Sadducees that they cannot see that the Messiah Himself is standing before them! Although we do not know the day or hour of the Lord’s return, we can interpret the signs, and these are some of the signs that Jesus gave concerning the end. Now, does this mean that we accept suffering and famines and do nothing about them because Jesus said they will come (and, indeed, they are here)? No, he says (Matthew 25 and Matthew 28:18-20) to go and help them. Love your neighbor as yourself; to do as much for your neighbor as you would to better yourself. This is the law and the prophets.
So, why does send Israel in to destroy all of those nations?
ReplyDelete"When you approach a city to fight against it, you shall offer it terms of peace. If it agrees to make peace with you and opens to you, then all the people who are found in it shall become your forced labor and shall serve you. However, if it does not make peace with you, but makes war against you, then you shall besiege it. When the LORD your God gives it into your hand, you shall strike all the men in it with the edge of the sword. Only the women and the children and the animals and all that is in the city, all its spoil, you shall take as booty for yourself; and you shall use the spoil of your enemies which the LORD your God has given you. Thus you shall do to all the cities that are very far from you, which are not of the cities of these nations nearby. Only in the cities of these peoples that the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance, you shall not leave alive anything that breathes. But you shall utterly destroy them, the Hittite and the Amorite, the Canaanite and the Perizzite, the Hivite and the Jebusite, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that they may not teach you to do according to all their detestable things which they have done for their gods, so that you would sin against the LORD your God.” (Deuteronomy 20:10-18)
As we can see, this is sort of a “mini-flood.” The nations that Israel is going into are wicked and detestable, and God is purging that area not only because of their wickedness, but that their wickedness would not flow into Israel. Not only is God purging the area of sin, but He is fulfilling the promise He made to Abraham in Genesis 12:7. Concerning nations that are righteous and just, check this out:
“Thus says the LORD concerning all My wicked neighbors who strike at the inheritance with which I have endowed My people Israel, "Behold I am about to uproot them from their land and will uproot the house of Judah from among them. And it will come about that after I have uprooted them, I will again have compassion on them; and I will bring them back, each one to his inheritance and each one to his land. Then if they will really learn the ways of My people, to swear by My name, 'As the LORD lives,' even as they taught My people to swear by Baal, they will be built up in the midst of My people. But if they will not listen, then I will uproot that nation, uproot and destroy it," declares the LORD.” (Jeremiah 12:7-14)
“’Behold, the days are coming,’ declares the LORD, ‘that I will punish all who are circumcised and yet uncircumcised -Egypt and Judah, and Edom and the sons of Ammon, and Moab and all those inhabiting the desert who clip the hair on their temples ; for all the nations are uncircumcised, and all the house of Israel are uncircumcised of heart.’" (Jeremiah 9:25-26)
So, what we can see from this is that God judges the nations based on their morality and whether they seek Him or not. He judges both the nations and Israel. In the first passage, we see that He promises the nations will be “built up in the midst of My people,” when they swear by His name.
Why did God fight for Israel, scatter it, and then bring it back together, numerous times? Read Deuteronomy 28. It tells them how He will bless them if they obey. It talks about what God will do to Israel if they violate the commands, as a nation, that He has given them. As you read, it should become clear why things went down the way they did over the years.
ReplyDeleteRemember, God’s plan, after the fall of man, has been to redeem man back to Himself so that He may fellowship with them, that He would be our God, and we would be His people. He did this by gathering a people unto Himself, through which His Son would ultimately come and offer redemption for all of mankind. Yet, throughout history, Israel has never fully come to God, especially after Jesus came to the earth. They have not connected with their, and our, Messiah. God will restore this at the end of the age when His people, in the midst of the Tribulation, cry out for Him.
Concerning Matthew 28:18-20, it is good (always) to obey Christ and do this, but let us not forget Christ himself, and knowing Him. It is truly knowing Him and encountering Him, yes, living in this state of intimacy and Psalm 27:4 longing that everything else falls into place, because God truly is a being that we can know, He’s not just some far off cosmic force, but a very personal God. His Holy Spirit is dwelling in us as believers. God began showing me this about 6 months ago, and I’m still not even barely scratching the surface. A.W. Tozer said that we would never be able to fully know God, because for a being to know everything of God (limitless in all directions in limitless categories), he would have to be a being equal to God, and we know there is none. What this means is that, even in eternity, we will never fully know God! It will never get old, and we will never be bored! So, I began asking God, initially, that He would give me a desire to desire Him. I wasn’t at the point yet of truly desiring Him, but I wanted to desire Him. I’m better at it now, but I want to go even deeper.
ReplyDeleteA.W. Tozer said, “What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.”
And also:
“We tend by a secret law of the soul to move toward our mental image of God.”
And also:
All the problems of heaven and earth, though they were to confront us together and at once, would be nothing compared with the overwhelming problem of God. That He is; what He is like; and what we as moral being must do about Him. The man who comes to a right belief about God is relieved of ten thousand temporal problems, for he sees at once that these have to do with matters which at the most cannot concern him for very long; but even if the multiple burdens of time may be lifted from him, the one mighty single burden of eternity begins to press down upon him with a weight more crushing than all the woes of the world pile one upon another.
Once I laid hold of this, everything else in life started to go to the wayside as far as what I spent my free time doing. Instead of watching movies or playing video games (being entertained by the things of the world), I desired to be entertained and fascinated by God (which is what He created us for, yet we are filling that desire with everything else!). Upon this foundation, I want to go deep in knowing Him, then know everything else, and eventually be a missionary (after I finally get out!). But, my point is, regardless of what God has us doing, we need to know Him first, know Him for who He truly is, and then concern ourselves with obedient lifestyles. If not, we will get burned out because we are just doing something because we are told to. When you do something because you love someone you know very deeply, it’s a whole different thing.
Wow, that was a lot. I hope it helps answer some of your questions. If you have any additional questions, just let me know.
ReplyDeleteDon’t worry about where you are right now and what you are doing because God does have a purpose for you there. There’s Jeremiah 29:11, and one of my favorite verses, Romans 8:28:
“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”
It doesn’t mean everything’s going to be fine and dandy, but it will all work out for the good in the end (to those who are called according to His purpose—us, Christians). When I was going through Airborne School, one of the things I was faced with was, “What if I break my leg this jump, and cannot do what I thought God had for me later in my career?” But I had to remind myself that it was going to work out for the good, no matter what (back to James 1:2-4) happened. It would be for the best, and God was in control of it.
So, press into God and let Him love you, because He so desperately desires to. You are the most beautiful person in the world to Him, the “apple of His eye” as the Psalmist says. It may take time, but that’s okay. He’s standing there with open arms.
Well, I'm going to eat and go to bed.
Christa, my love...my heart cries out to you. i so wish we could sit next to each other and discuss this, dig into the Word, cry together, laugh together, and get to know another side of Jesus together right now. but, i guess this will have to do.
ReplyDeleteyou are where you are because the LORD has placed you there. i totally understand the "why me?", "why here?" questions. trust me, after a weekend of being homeless, i did not feel like things were fair AT ALL. what i had to come to grips with was the fact that God was in control. i know--we sing it and preach it--but do we really believe it? regardless of where we are, and where we think we should be, our focus must not be "why me?" but rather, "what do you want me to do about this life im in?" He has a plan--and you, white, middle class, blessed, protected, fed, warm, healthy, you are CRUCIAL to this plan. Your life is as it is in order for you to best bless others--glorify God in ALL you do...give his name glory!
God's love for people is not contingent on their status. this is something i absolutely ADORE about our saviour. he doesnt exist on our "love" scale. He is so above and beyond anything we could ever think ab when it comes to love. no matter where one lives, fundamentals are the same--he created them, in his image; he died for them, in their sin; hes coming back for them, ready or not! our God REIGNS and our God LOVES in mercy and grace. this is not always understood in our human, finite minds because we are so stuck in materialism and "healthy" living. like matt said--God's initial plan was perfect freedom and communion with him. WE messed that up, and now WE (humans) are paying the price for that. we are living in the disconnect between what is and what should be. thats why youre so uncomfortable ab this whole situation. thats why seeing people suffer is soooo horrible and effects us deep down in our core. we, in our original sense, were not created to live in disconnect. our bodies were originally formed to live in perfect harmony with the Lord and his creation.
God's love for people does not change based upon their economical status. life may SUCK right now, but he is still in control. Our different places in life--"statuses" if you will--are actually, in my mind, an expression of God's love for us. He loves us so much, and desires our love so much, that we are not merely robots in his hand. in other words--people are making their own decisions, governments are making good (and bad) decisions. parents are leaving their children and children are leaving their schools not because God loves them less than he does you and me. This is all happening because God loved man and woman enough to let us choose for ourselves whom we will serve. this often means people hurting, lives ending, children crying--its a HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE thing. BUT, its all a result of us choosing to put ourselves first. sin is the act of dehumanizing others. thus, injustice runs rampant because sin runs rampant. when i make a choice to put myself above others, i am choosing to say that they are "less than human" in my mind. God HATES this. the story is not over, the story has just begun! Redemption was made. Reconciliation is happening. Matthew 28 is CRUCIAL! this is a painful and confusing process for all of us. Ultimately, though, we humans exist to bring God praise. i am completely at his disposal to do as he pleases with me--whether i appreciate, like, or understand any of it. if his name is becoming famous--i am doing my "job".
ReplyDeleteyou are a CRUCIAL part of this plan--right where you are, with what you have! ask not, "why me? why here?", but ask
"here i am, Lord. right where you put me...now what? whats next? im ALL yours! wherever you lead--be it rodeo drive, a village in africa, an inner city school, or a camp in California. You love me just like you love the rest of your creation. You have mandated me to fill, subdue and cultivate the earth. my creation mandate has not changed--its now time for me to move forward with my gifts and abilities and help others come to know you better in whatever way possible. this is true stewardship. at the same time, i must remember that your plan is bigger than mine, and your ways are higher than mine. i may not always understand what is going on, but i know you are in control--and WILL ALWAYS BE! in the midst of my doubt, fear and anger, i run to you in your sovereignty. You are the meter by which "good" and "just" are determined. help me be patient and learn, one day at a time, how to read the meter--for the meter is NEVER wrong or broken. it may at times be hard to see, but it NEVER leaves."
dear sister...Trust him in his unfailing love! praying with you for clarity. praying that God will reveal a little more of himself to you today than he did yesterday. praying that he never loses his wonder. be awestruck in his awesome ability to be beyond our comprehension! LOVE YOU!