11:01 PM.
all is not well.
my soul is restless, wavering, parched. my mind is churning, faltering, clouded and uncertain. my body is weary, laden, and sore.
"i am losing all hope, i am petrified with fear -- i remember the days of old" cries David, as his very being is slowly wasting away in agony, despair, and repentance.
does this remind you of your dreaded days, past problems, or present pains? i know my wounds are freshly opened. and it's only the beginning of the week.
i've been muling over the idea of going deeper these past couple weeks -- chewing, thinking, pondering on what that actually means, what that actually entails, what it actually will take to physically go beyond where i am now. and to be honest, i've been fighting it. in fact, i've come to realize, i've been fighting this all my life. The Lord does come in the still, small voice...but lately He's been using a bullhorn, whirlwinds & painful stabs to my soul to get my attention.
mmnk God, you've got it. now what do you want?
stop making excuses.
umm, easier said than done. literally. see, webster defines "excuse" both as a verb and a noun. the act of making an excuse is "to offer an apology for; seek to remove the blame of" -- meaning that an excuse is used to weasel our way out of owning up to something. how often do i try to shift the root of the matter onto some other person or another circumstance? why is it so easy for me to pretend like i didn't do it? cause i don't like having the Sonlight shined straight onto my filthy, black motives. but it's so much more than just shifting the blame. webbie also defines "excuse" as a noun, going as far to say it's "an inferior or adequate specimen of something specified." whoa. now i'm not only a coward, but my excuses don't even measure up...they're so incredibly lame that they're not even worth considering... and yet God still listens. patiently.
some excuses i've been using of late are: i don't have time. lamesauce. i have time to suckbook (err, facebook), read the latest Bones book, shop, talk, run, eat, work & adventurize...but i don't even have time to say "hello" to my Creator? another winner: i like my own deal too much. God has instilled inside me some mega-crazy dreams...i seriously wish i could have a new job every year so i could do everything i desire to do (like be a chef, a personal trainer, discovery channel photographer, deep sea diver, NOLS employee, wedding coordinator, professional gardener [which would be totally oxymoronic cause i have a black thumb] & fashion designer)...and because i simply enjoy doing each of these things...i don't want to have to delegate time away from them for something else...like living a life for the Lord & the Lord alone. i'm too busy being lord myself. oops. and here's the final one...and probably the most messed-up but also the deepest one of all: i'm scared to let go. see, its been easy to live by the rules i've used all my life...and to live by the standards set by others...or sadly, the pains, fears, and hurts that have held me captive all my days. i wrote about this to a friend recently, saying that "it's sometimes easier to let go of the things that i love to do and desire, than it is to face those fears that have held me captive for so long. its more difficult to give up those wounds because they are the standard that i have lived all my life by..."
told you it was messed up.
"the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy -- but I have come to give you life more abundant!" John 10:10
ahh. a cool, refreshing breeze just stirred in my soul. do you get the power of those simple words? if you do, please tell me, cause i'm only just beginning to realize them.
"life more abundant" ...ahh! what does that even mean?! i can live my whole life, my whole eternity, and still not even scratch the surface of who God is, His depth of love for me, or the blessings He has in store for me.
but uh...why do i keep holding back?
i've been asking myself that a lot lately. and the Lord has been pointing it out to me over and over in His love letter to me. Luke 14 speaks directly on this issue: " A man prepared a great feast and sent out many invitations. When the banquet was ready, He sent his servant to tell the guests...but they all began to make excuses...[and the] master was furious." (14:16-17, 21) or how about, "If someone claims, 'I know God' but doesn't obey God's commandments, that person is a liar and is not living in the truth." 1 John 2:4
yep. guilty as charged.
i feel overwhelmed at this. yet the very fiber of my being is crying out for what is lacking...the spaces in my every molecule are missing the Spirit that fills them...the Spirit that is already in me, but is lying dormant until i give the "ok" for it to radically alter my world. i have been an "adulterous bride of Christ," filling those empty cavities with sweet distractions, distasteful affections, and poor substitutes.
i'm about to move to WA, to live with a roommate who doesn't believe. will she be radically affected by the God who i live for...or will she see me as just another human being doing "my own thing." i don't want to be just another Christian, dangit! is it just me, or do you notice that we Christians have this radar tuned into other believers? enter beverly, the homeless lady i just met tonight. as i did what i could for her, she said she didn't even have to ask...she already knew i was a Christian. my real question is though -- do non-believers sense that same wavelength...or are they on a completely different spectrum? i want my light to break through both, so that other Christians will be strengthened, and non-believers will be pierced with the Sonlight.
my dear, sweet roommate Jennifer hit the target today in my life. she challenged us with the concept of "walking," as Paul & the NT over and over spotlights the idea of "walk" and "moving forward." she defined walking as "to advance or travel on foot at a moderate speed or pace." sometimes i forget that this is not a breakneck-speed sprint...this life is a death-depending marathon, and all it takes is one foot in front of the other...step by step towards the Father...eyes never faltering.
12:02 PM.
what do i have to lose?
ok Lord. you're more than enough...so i'm ready, set, diving in...
