i'm just going to be straight up.
i don't understand God's version of love.
thank goodness for grace, because if salvation was on faith alone, i think i would have been swimming in that lake of fire years ago. my faith lacks so much sometimes. more often than not, i think.
something i have been mulling around in my mind for the past couple weeks is this idea of God's love for us. not just us His children, but us as in His entire creation. i don't struggle with that fact that He loves me, or fight to understand the depth of His love -- no, i am legitimately confused, doubting, and struggling with the delivery & destination modes of His love. i pray that as i write this mess of confusion that is tangled within my mind and soul that someone out there, reading this post, will be able to either relate with my struggles or, God willing, be able to help guide a lost and broken girl to firmer ground in Christ. my heart is willing but my flesh & spirit are so very weak.
here's what i do not, for the life of me, understand the way that God bestows a mulitude of blessings to some, and then what seems to be little or none to others. as i sit wrapped up in my J.Crew sheets and Nike running gear, my mind is thousands of miles away in a village where the rows of sod and metal shacks stretch to the horizon, and children are fighting for attention, for survival, for love, and for their lives. i know that i am spoiled, that i am blessed, and that i am wealthier than 99% of the world's population. what i don't understand is, "why me?" did someone happen to do something thousands of years ago that would centuries later place me in a home with two parents, a job, and an opportunity to essentially play in the outdoors all the time in the future? do i really deserve this position in life? honestly, i get angry thinking about this. i admit it. i am angry with God...over His blessings in my life. That sounds completely moronic and selfish and retarded, but straight up, i struggle with this. i sit here with everything in need and then some, while there are others who tonight will go to bed on a hard, cold ground with nothing to cover them with. why do i seem more "blessed" than them. God doesn't love them any less. but why does it seem that way?
i think back to the old testament. a lot of people don't really like the OT, though my favorite book of the Bible resides right smack dab in the middle of it. yet in it, i see a God who shows favor to one group -- His chosen people, Israel -- and disregards all other nations. battle with Israel (when they're following God like they should, that is) and POOF, they're decimated and crawling back to their homelands. does that mean that God doesn't love those nations? did they get the "sorry, you don't have the golden ticket for this gate, you'll have to take the long black train headed down south" simply because they didn't have the label of "Israel" stamped across their hindparts? i can almost picture the Israelites yelling "SUCKA'S!" cause they got the blessing...and the others didn't. what did they do, or what didn't they do that caused them to "miss out"...or did our human depravity through a 'series of unfortunate events" push some nations out of the redeeming circle?
fast forward to today's world. how is it that on one side of the street, people are wining and dining in luxuary while across the road children are sick, starving and dying. why did i get put in a place of such wealth while others are in such poverty. God, do you love them like you love me?! why do i not see how you love them?! Camp South Africa, one of the satellite camp ministries that Alliance Redwoods has started, funded, and facilitated for the past four years spoke tonight at our staff banquet, and i gotta tell you that i still am seething and melting from the stories & the experiences that were shared. in my own weakness, i am feeling completely separated from my Savior because, right now, i am lacking the faith to love a God who seems to allow for favorites...and in my eyes, i see my position as being more favored, and i don't like it. i mostly don't like myself for doubting....yet i do believe that God is big enough to handle my doubts and my realness. david, you have some competition tonight.
can anyone help me sort through this pain? something i really struggle with is simply knowing that i am in this place, this very moment, for a reason...that God is telling me my story and no one elses...but we are called in Matthew 28:19-20 to "therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age." (NLT) What about Isaiah 61: 1-3? "The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is upon me, for the LORD has annointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted and to proclim that captives will be freed. He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of the LORD's favor has come, and with it, the day of God's anger against their enemies. To all who mourn in Israel, He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great [redwoods] that the LORD has planted for His own glory." i see this commission, this epic adventure, this quest given by the Creator Himself, but i'm stuck in "park" mode, unable to get past the fact that i was given this life, and not one like theirs.
pray with me, dear brothers & sisters. this is a battle not to be won easily, and not without tears & pain. i desire so desperately to understand the God i serve, but if i cannot even be satisfied with the blessings He has given me, how will i ever be effective in my ministry to those who have nothing. i fear i will just be caught up in the anger of my own struggles, or even worse, crack under my lack of faith. i do not want to be burdened with this doubt but rather freed in Christ. if you have ANY thoughts, Scripture, or experiences that could in any possible way relate to my struggles, i beg as a sister in Christ, for you to share them with me. i cannot do this alone.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
disney parks, ranch life, & enchanted forests (part 2)
"so we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view. at one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view. how differently we know Him now! this means that anyone who belongs in Christ has become a new person. the old life is gone; a new life has begun!" (2 cor. 5:16-17)
when you go to the Word hungry, you will get fed. it's that simple. it's still astounding. i needed this so much this past week, and i fall on my knees in praise to the God who has helped me get past my own deal to see & deal with others with love.
when i last left off, i was pulling out of my driveway, saying goodbye to the life i had always known and dearly love. our first night's stop took us to Springfield, MO, where it was cold as all get out...1 degree is not my favorite type of weather. don't get me wrong. snow = boss. frostbite, hypothermia, death = not so much. pretty normal scenery till we hit new mexico, where we stopped in Alberquerqe, NM, where the sky is as big as the land is far. i could have stayed right there on the mesa and been perfectly content, but california still called. i spent the first three days mostly sleeping due to being sick...i am so thankful for my brother who is steady at the wheel and loving at the heart. he takes good care of me. wednesday night we cross the california border after a lovely day of mountains, mesa, snow and sunsets. i laugh that we got stopped by border patrol and had to give up our fruit... andrew george, your dream job, eh? ;) california was a balmy 60 degrees and welcomed us with a dilemma. that morning i had gotten word that my frantic trip to make it out to CA in time for the jan. 11 start date was in vain...yes, they pushed the start date back a week. so now i was in CA with an extra week's time and nothing to do. so, what did we decide to do? well, its all about location, location, location. :) we were in so-cal, right? so of course we decided to take thursday and go visit disneyland! i can proudly say that i have visited all the disney parks within two weeks of each other. i also was able to spend quality fun time with my brother who i dearly love. did i mention it was beautiful day with a high of 75 degrees? mmmn hmmm. friday dawned bright and clear as we made our way north towards the place i would call my home for six months.
i live in an enchanted forest. think narnia, star wars (episode 6), and LOTR all in one. one minute we were driving through rolling hills, farmland and scruffy trees (which i now can identify as tan oaks!) and the next we dropped down into wooded land and the tallest trees i've ever seen. we pulled into Alliance Redwoods around 5 pm and were greeted by...uh...no one. there was no one in the house, and we actually didn't see anyone till the following day! thomas and i took the next day to explore the village & also the beach. the woods are lovely here...so many fairy circles and also leprechauns (for reals!) that its absolutely crazy! i also was faced with the dilemma of what to do for the following week. i came into this place with honestly a bad attitude, a defeated spirit, and an unhappy face. so, in my desperation, i called up my dear friend laurel and asked if i could come visit her.
what? spend a week on a ranch? with nothing for miles and simply animals and deep, spiritual company? what could be better? what could be more invigorating for the soul? i needed to be immersed into california slowly (can we say culture shock?) but also i needed something to revive my spirit -- to make me excited for who i am, and what my purpose was out here. perhaps to simply find my purpose.
a sad departing, i dropped my brother off at the airport & cut my final ties to home. i love my family & miss them dearly, but knew that it was time to head off onto my own path. so, i hopped into to my car and started off for elk creek. here i would find rest, peace, and serenity.
just wait.
when you go to the Word hungry, you will get fed. it's that simple. it's still astounding. i needed this so much this past week, and i fall on my knees in praise to the God who has helped me get past my own deal to see & deal with others with love.
when i last left off, i was pulling out of my driveway, saying goodbye to the life i had always known and dearly love. our first night's stop took us to Springfield, MO, where it was cold as all get out...1 degree is not my favorite type of weather. don't get me wrong. snow = boss. frostbite, hypothermia, death = not so much. pretty normal scenery till we hit new mexico, where we stopped in Alberquerqe, NM, where the sky is as big as the land is far. i could have stayed right there on the mesa and been perfectly content, but california still called. i spent the first three days mostly sleeping due to being sick...i am so thankful for my brother who is steady at the wheel and loving at the heart. he takes good care of me. wednesday night we cross the california border after a lovely day of mountains, mesa, snow and sunsets. i laugh that we got stopped by border patrol and had to give up our fruit... andrew george, your dream job, eh? ;) california was a balmy 60 degrees and welcomed us with a dilemma. that morning i had gotten word that my frantic trip to make it out to CA in time for the jan. 11 start date was in vain...yes, they pushed the start date back a week. so now i was in CA with an extra week's time and nothing to do. so, what did we decide to do? well, its all about location, location, location. :) we were in so-cal, right? so of course we decided to take thursday and go visit disneyland! i can proudly say that i have visited all the disney parks within two weeks of each other. i also was able to spend quality fun time with my brother who i dearly love. did i mention it was beautiful day with a high of 75 degrees? mmmn hmmm. friday dawned bright and clear as we made our way north towards the place i would call my home for six months.
i live in an enchanted forest. think narnia, star wars (episode 6), and LOTR all in one. one minute we were driving through rolling hills, farmland and scruffy trees (which i now can identify as tan oaks!) and the next we dropped down into wooded land and the tallest trees i've ever seen. we pulled into Alliance Redwoods around 5 pm and were greeted by...uh...no one. there was no one in the house, and we actually didn't see anyone till the following day! thomas and i took the next day to explore the village & also the beach. the woods are lovely here...so many fairy circles and also leprechauns (for reals!) that its absolutely crazy! i also was faced with the dilemma of what to do for the following week. i came into this place with honestly a bad attitude, a defeated spirit, and an unhappy face. so, in my desperation, i called up my dear friend laurel and asked if i could come visit her.
what? spend a week on a ranch? with nothing for miles and simply animals and deep, spiritual company? what could be better? what could be more invigorating for the soul? i needed to be immersed into california slowly (can we say culture shock?) but also i needed something to revive my spirit -- to make me excited for who i am, and what my purpose was out here. perhaps to simply find my purpose.
a sad departing, i dropped my brother off at the airport & cut my final ties to home. i love my family & miss them dearly, but knew that it was time to head off onto my own path. so, i hopped into to my car and started off for elk creek. here i would find rest, peace, and serenity.
just wait.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
disney parks, ranch life, & enchanted forests.
God loves rabbit holes & backstage scenes.
hold on, let me explain my thoughts.
ever get struck by the fact that the realms of the unseen not only work against us, but are more often working for us? that means that while Satan is trying his very best to bring us down, throw us off track, and break apart our faith, God and His angels are working harder & are going beyond to bless and direct our paths. most of the time we do not get the chance to understand or the opportunity to look at what God is doing, but, just once in a while -- in rare glimpses -- we are given the chance to look at the inner workings and see they paths God has brought us on.
funny how those moments can completely change your attitude, your purpose, and your zeal for the Creator.
one month ago, i was still living day by day, simply floating through time & the pace of life. yesterday, i was given a glimpse of the paths God has brought me on, and i am all the better for it. i thank God for the people who helped bring me to the place i am today, as well as the fact that He loves me enough to bring me all the way across the country to radically change my life. if that's all it takes, then i'll pack up BA (my car) and travel back again.
let me fill in the gaps.
i left life after college in God's hands, since my hands were full with race planning, end of college preparations, and 5 jobs. i spent most of my time running from one place to another, while i let my job searches, applications and interviews go by the wayside. surprisingly, God allowed me to have several interviews and lots of interest from places in MA, VA, TX, OH & NY. Yet, I wasn't exactly excited about any one of those places...espcially MA...I mean really, do I seem like the type who would live in the city? pshaw. as graduation crept closer, i finally decided just to pray & seek God's best, wherever He took me. Then, one later Thursday night, i hopped on the CCCA website randomly, since i hadn't been there in a while. to my surprise, there was a job posting for this seemingly amazing place in Occidental, CA, for a Naturalist position at a camp called Alliance Redwoods Conference Grounds. see, i had looked at this camp earlier in the year, but seeing they had no positions available, i had pushed it to the back of my mind. now, they were not only hiring, but desperate for teachers. without really thinking, i downloaded an application, and stayed up late filling it out. i finished it early the next morning (friday), and sent it in. later that afternoon, i got a phone call, had an interview, and a promise to hear back from them early the next week. monday rolls around, and i got an email offering me the job. tuesday afternoon, i signed a contract and radically changed my direction. now i had to find a way to get out to CA by jan. 10, and also leave everything i have ever known. in one quick weekend, i switched from being a college student to a working girl in the real world. for someone who has barely stepped off her home soil (in a figural sense), i was making leaps towards a new adventure.
phase deux. job # 2.
the next day, while i was simply sitting in my room, procrastinating a silly paper, i got an unknown phone call on my cell. ringing a voicemail, i listened to the message, and ended up putting my roommate in a panic with all of the "oh my gosh"s and panicked look on my face. the phone call was from Washington State University, informing me i was a finalist for their gradute assistant position in experiential education, and they wanted an interview. now i not only had a real job, but the chance to perhaps go to grad school for free with a legit position to boot. praise God from whom all blessings flow. will wonders never cease? not on my own doing, believe me. i had an interview the night before i graduated, and then placed the position in God's hands. little did i know that i would be receiving a phone call the following week from them. i can remember exactly what happened. i was walking towards the "Energy" display at Epcot Center, when i felt my phone ring for a voicemail. i sat on the bench, listened to the voicemail, and then promptly laid down and told my parents i was going to be sick. God once again astounds me with blessings, as the voicemail was an offer for the position. so hello california, then on to washington! mcgee!
did i forget to mention the fact that i graduated? that was interesting. i really thought i was going to cry and be nervous and get upset, but as i walked into lucky gym, i simply had a peace that it was time to leave. "for such a time as this" mordicai tells esther as she is brought to face the challege of saving her people, or her life. though my life was not in danger, i was brought to iwu for "such a time as this," and now was the time to flee or to fly. so i flew -- down the isle, up the stairs, and out the door with my diploma...holder. don't worry, i made a face and the "rock on" sign to my family. gotta be real.
(i miss that place already. it was the time of my life. but i will always treasure the memory.)
so, fast forward two weeks. i graduated, went on vacation to disneyworld (yeah baby!), then took a week to pack up my life in a car & say goodbye to friends i've had for years, not to mention a place that i have called home all my life, and to my family which is the most important thing in my life after my relationship with Christ. i said goodbye january 5, and pulled out the driveway with my stuff stowed away, and my brother in the driver seat. (yep, couldn't take a road trip without him!)
ok. this post is extremely long. my fingers are no longer functioning, so au revoir!
hold on, let me explain my thoughts.
ever get struck by the fact that the realms of the unseen not only work against us, but are more often working for us? that means that while Satan is trying his very best to bring us down, throw us off track, and break apart our faith, God and His angels are working harder & are going beyond to bless and direct our paths. most of the time we do not get the chance to understand or the opportunity to look at what God is doing, but, just once in a while -- in rare glimpses -- we are given the chance to look at the inner workings and see they paths God has brought us on.
funny how those moments can completely change your attitude, your purpose, and your zeal for the Creator.
one month ago, i was still living day by day, simply floating through time & the pace of life. yesterday, i was given a glimpse of the paths God has brought me on, and i am all the better for it. i thank God for the people who helped bring me to the place i am today, as well as the fact that He loves me enough to bring me all the way across the country to radically change my life. if that's all it takes, then i'll pack up BA (my car) and travel back again.
let me fill in the gaps.
i left life after college in God's hands, since my hands were full with race planning, end of college preparations, and 5 jobs. i spent most of my time running from one place to another, while i let my job searches, applications and interviews go by the wayside. surprisingly, God allowed me to have several interviews and lots of interest from places in MA, VA, TX, OH & NY. Yet, I wasn't exactly excited about any one of those places...espcially MA...I mean really, do I seem like the type who would live in the city? pshaw. as graduation crept closer, i finally decided just to pray & seek God's best, wherever He took me. Then, one later Thursday night, i hopped on the CCCA website randomly, since i hadn't been there in a while. to my surprise, there was a job posting for this seemingly amazing place in Occidental, CA, for a Naturalist position at a camp called Alliance Redwoods Conference Grounds. see, i had looked at this camp earlier in the year, but seeing they had no positions available, i had pushed it to the back of my mind. now, they were not only hiring, but desperate for teachers. without really thinking, i downloaded an application, and stayed up late filling it out. i finished it early the next morning (friday), and sent it in. later that afternoon, i got a phone call, had an interview, and a promise to hear back from them early the next week. monday rolls around, and i got an email offering me the job. tuesday afternoon, i signed a contract and radically changed my direction. now i had to find a way to get out to CA by jan. 10, and also leave everything i have ever known. in one quick weekend, i switched from being a college student to a working girl in the real world. for someone who has barely stepped off her home soil (in a figural sense), i was making leaps towards a new adventure.
phase deux. job # 2.
the next day, while i was simply sitting in my room, procrastinating a silly paper, i got an unknown phone call on my cell. ringing a voicemail, i listened to the message, and ended up putting my roommate in a panic with all of the "oh my gosh"s and panicked look on my face. the phone call was from Washington State University, informing me i was a finalist for their gradute assistant position in experiential education, and they wanted an interview. now i not only had a real job, but the chance to perhaps go to grad school for free with a legit position to boot. praise God from whom all blessings flow. will wonders never cease? not on my own doing, believe me. i had an interview the night before i graduated, and then placed the position in God's hands. little did i know that i would be receiving a phone call the following week from them. i can remember exactly what happened. i was walking towards the "Energy" display at Epcot Center, when i felt my phone ring for a voicemail. i sat on the bench, listened to the voicemail, and then promptly laid down and told my parents i was going to be sick. God once again astounds me with blessings, as the voicemail was an offer for the position. so hello california, then on to washington! mcgee!
did i forget to mention the fact that i graduated? that was interesting. i really thought i was going to cry and be nervous and get upset, but as i walked into lucky gym, i simply had a peace that it was time to leave. "for such a time as this" mordicai tells esther as she is brought to face the challege of saving her people, or her life. though my life was not in danger, i was brought to iwu for "such a time as this," and now was the time to flee or to fly. so i flew -- down the isle, up the stairs, and out the door with my diploma...holder. don't worry, i made a face and the "rock on" sign to my family. gotta be real.
(i miss that place already. it was the time of my life. but i will always treasure the memory.)
so, fast forward two weeks. i graduated, went on vacation to disneyworld (yeah baby!), then took a week to pack up my life in a car & say goodbye to friends i've had for years, not to mention a place that i have called home all my life, and to my family which is the most important thing in my life after my relationship with Christ. i said goodbye january 5, and pulled out the driveway with my stuff stowed away, and my brother in the driver seat. (yep, couldn't take a road trip without him!)
ok. this post is extremely long. my fingers are no longer functioning, so au revoir!
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