be honest with me. can we make a difference?
walking the streets of san fran last night, i couldn't help but notice the increasing void that stretched between the lights in the townhouses high above the city streets, and the amount of people sleeping on the concrete steps, in door frames, and in the city park. am i wrong in thinking that this is something that demands a change? not only that, but the fact that we as Christians are called to take care of the poor and needy -- but are we truly doing it in a way that shows Christ's love? i wrestled in my mind with the idea of doing street ministry as i drove two other girls and myself to the church. most street preaching is simply thrusting the Word of God onto them in a "repent now!" action, or in the mode of "one and done." but why can't we develop relationships, and instead of shoving God in a "die, sinner!" attitude we could make Him real by out actions. repeated actions.
i met a guy named Derek last night. Derek radically rocked my world. as i was searching through my pack trying to find a pair of socks, i hear this "hey, are you giving free stuff? you got a coat in there?" i look over and see this silhouette of a man, fine featured and slightly metro. i gave him the coat off my back. in turn, he looks me up and down and pulls out a Jones New York two-piece suit that probbly cost more than what i was wearing combined...and gives it to me. this man who has nothing is not only accepting of me, but is giving back to me more than i gave him. it felt wrong. and yet, it touched my heart. the rest of the night i spent with him, talking, praying, and wondering. his story? not too sure. he has a degree, has been all over, is super-smart, talented to the tee, and yet he is walking around with a backpack of clothes and two shopping bags of random items. within five minutes of contact i realized that there is something crazy good, and something incredibly sad about him. i don't want to dilute his need for Christ -- on the contrary, he taught me more about God in his simple, easy going attitude. he has chosen the streets, though i am uncertain why. he has chosen to live the life of a nomad because he cannot committ...or does not want to settle. my heart aches as i think of him tonight. just one meeting, and my life is forever altered by him. but i wonder -- am i just another "Christian" that is stooping down from comfort & wealth to do a good deed, or will he remember me a few years from now and think, "that girl was different." is my impact ever going to be more than just a meeting?
meet muhammad. he's buddist. he also thinks he is beating the system by living in poverty and living off of food stamps while sneaking into college courses to "get a degree." he claims that the powers over him are limiting his rights and his abilities, so though he chose to be mess-up and get arrested, he is not going to succomb to the system that is "keeping him poor." but, his logic is faulty. he's choosing to stay in his position, relying on the government to keep him going, but he is at rock bottom. he's not winning -- he's losing because he's dependant on the government, on godly people who give him free things, and on doing drugs. all of this because he "wants to show the government he's not giving in." some life, huh? his something more is really living less.
i want to make a difference. i see hurts like derek's, hear stubborn ideas like muhammad's, and see hundreds of cries for help as i walked back to my warm vehicle. is there something more that i can be doing, or is this enough? or is this all?
but life is not all about the sad hurts. there's joy in simply living life. looking out above the hills, the ocean, and the moorland today as i flew down the hill at 60 mph on james' motorcycle, my heart could not help but sing praises to the One that this is all created for. the scenery was stunning, the bike was fast, and the company was good. my heart was screaming for "more, more!" but sometimes, its all so big, i can't take it in. beauty, in the midst of pain. i thank the Lord for the moments when my heart is about to bust because its longing for the "something more" that it will only truly grasp in heaven. i cherish the thought that one day, there will be more than this life, and that what i do here on earth will not be in vain. i pray the seed was planted in derek's heart, as his is in mine; sprouting, growing, reviving.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
my quest.
"in times of trouble, may the LORD answer your cry. May the name of the God of Jacob keep you safe from all harm." --ps. 20:1
that is not only a true statement, but a promise. dude, i serve, love, and know a king. not just some dude, but the KING of all things, seen and unseen. He's not only just, knowing, strong and creative, but His very nature demands a never-ending love for His children. yeah, that's my Dad!
i was made for this moment. each day i intently desire to acknowledge Christ's authority on the throne, His creative and giving nature, and praise Him for the fact that HE IS. yesterday and today i have been totally rocked, humbled, and amazed at this very fact. i have three vivid instances in the past 24 hours that will forever be engraved into my heart. the Word clearly says "meditate on My teachings" and i am hekka gonna do it!
epic # 1.
four girls. driving on a winding road towards town. start smelling engine, check gauges light pops on, and internal temperate skyrockets to "warning" red. pull over to the side of the road, pop hood, check levels. four girls sticking their hands outside the car or standing on the side of the road (or crossing and almost getting hit!) with their cell phones trying to get reception. twenty cars go by. no cell reception. two very loud, "God! This is bad, we need your help, and we need it now!" and another 5 cars pass. then, the very man that was prayed for in the groanings of the heart shows up. not only shows up, but fixes car, offers to follow into town, and proceeds to give numbers of who to call and what to do. and then drives into the sunset on his white steed...also known as his Chevy truck.
dude. God provides. Ps.20:1. i started to cry, because the Lord heard me.
epic # 2.
"want to go biking at Point Raise?" umm, heck yes i do! sunny, warm, and breezy = perfection. well, never did make it there. take a trip into town for bikes and of course, Mitchell's fave, In&Out (eww!), start heading to Point Raise only to get stopped halfway there because apparantly a bad accident involving, of all things, a milk truck flipping over (cali cows are not happy today!) was overtaking the roads. so we turned around and hit up a legit place where massive stones for climbing, viewing and photographing were. unfortunately, we ignored the fence there...and the owners weren't too happy. they explicitly told us. oops. but we hit up a couple of seaside towns, in search of coffee (fail.) but ended up going off the traveled road to this mystical, surreal old grove reserve. kinda sketchy when i found this ritualistic fairy circle, complete with animal skulls, talismen and shelter...but God's beauty & simply His name overshadow any fear.
best part of the day -- simply talking straight up about sins, depravity, and passion with mitchell & luke. im excited for Mitchell's ministry aspirations as he is being called to raise up a generation of men to be warriors, fighters, and MEN for this King we serve named Christ.
epic # 3.
star studded sky. crashing tidal waves. uninhabited cove. mass rocks. sandy beach. blazing fire. roaring sound. intense conversation. gummy fish. joyful laughter. stillness. desires made known. passions rekindled. awkward moments. new memories made. incoming tide. star tripping. falling down in the ocean. wet pants from laughing so hard. good kind of tired.
this night reminded me of how God reveals Himself. to me, i see Him as simply lavishing me with His love. i stood on a rock tonight with the waves crashing around and on it, looking out into the ocean with only the stars lighting my view, and hearing the roar and the pounding of the surf, it was as my entire being was crying out to its Creator, as if it finally was realizing what and who it was made for. i could not, not sing. my heart simply was in awe of the One who made that moment. and i still get tears in my eyes for being allowed to experience it. not only that, but i realized tonight that these people are going to be the ones that forever shape my life, as i in the past month have grown and experienced more than i have in my entire life. its a never-ending desire to know more, experience more, seek more, and find more. through their lives, their example, and their words, i am finding out my quest. i am so thankful to be here. we chatted tonight about "if you could be anywhere, where would you want to be right now, and what would you be doing?" and i? well, i had no words, because my soul, every fiber of my being, was simply praising the Lord for bringing me HERE, and bringing me into the place where I KNOW i am to be.
"let all that i am, praise the LORD; with my whole heart, i will praise His holy name." ps. 103:1
that is not only a true statement, but a promise. dude, i serve, love, and know a king. not just some dude, but the KING of all things, seen and unseen. He's not only just, knowing, strong and creative, but His very nature demands a never-ending love for His children. yeah, that's my Dad!
i was made for this moment. each day i intently desire to acknowledge Christ's authority on the throne, His creative and giving nature, and praise Him for the fact that HE IS. yesterday and today i have been totally rocked, humbled, and amazed at this very fact. i have three vivid instances in the past 24 hours that will forever be engraved into my heart. the Word clearly says "meditate on My teachings" and i am hekka gonna do it!
epic # 1.
four girls. driving on a winding road towards town. start smelling engine, check gauges light pops on, and internal temperate skyrockets to "warning" red. pull over to the side of the road, pop hood, check levels. four girls sticking their hands outside the car or standing on the side of the road (or crossing and almost getting hit!) with their cell phones trying to get reception. twenty cars go by. no cell reception. two very loud, "God! This is bad, we need your help, and we need it now!" and another 5 cars pass. then, the very man that was prayed for in the groanings of the heart shows up. not only shows up, but fixes car, offers to follow into town, and proceeds to give numbers of who to call and what to do. and then drives into the sunset on his white steed...also known as his Chevy truck.
dude. God provides. Ps.20:1. i started to cry, because the Lord heard me.
epic # 2.
"want to go biking at Point Raise?" umm, heck yes i do! sunny, warm, and breezy = perfection. well, never did make it there. take a trip into town for bikes and of course, Mitchell's fave, In&Out (eww!), start heading to Point Raise only to get stopped halfway there because apparantly a bad accident involving, of all things, a milk truck flipping over (cali cows are not happy today!) was overtaking the roads. so we turned around and hit up a legit place where massive stones for climbing, viewing and photographing were. unfortunately, we ignored the fence there...and the owners weren't too happy. they explicitly told us. oops. but we hit up a couple of seaside towns, in search of coffee (fail.) but ended up going off the traveled road to this mystical, surreal old grove reserve. kinda sketchy when i found this ritualistic fairy circle, complete with animal skulls, talismen and shelter...but God's beauty & simply His name overshadow any fear.
best part of the day -- simply talking straight up about sins, depravity, and passion with mitchell & luke. im excited for Mitchell's ministry aspirations as he is being called to raise up a generation of men to be warriors, fighters, and MEN for this King we serve named Christ.
epic # 3.
star studded sky. crashing tidal waves. uninhabited cove. mass rocks. sandy beach. blazing fire. roaring sound. intense conversation. gummy fish. joyful laughter. stillness. desires made known. passions rekindled. awkward moments. new memories made. incoming tide. star tripping. falling down in the ocean. wet pants from laughing so hard. good kind of tired.
this night reminded me of how God reveals Himself. to me, i see Him as simply lavishing me with His love. i stood on a rock tonight with the waves crashing around and on it, looking out into the ocean with only the stars lighting my view, and hearing the roar and the pounding of the surf, it was as my entire being was crying out to its Creator, as if it finally was realizing what and who it was made for. i could not, not sing. my heart simply was in awe of the One who made that moment. and i still get tears in my eyes for being allowed to experience it. not only that, but i realized tonight that these people are going to be the ones that forever shape my life, as i in the past month have grown and experienced more than i have in my entire life. its a never-ending desire to know more, experience more, seek more, and find more. through their lives, their example, and their words, i am finding out my quest. i am so thankful to be here. we chatted tonight about "if you could be anywhere, where would you want to be right now, and what would you be doing?" and i? well, i had no words, because my soul, every fiber of my being, was simply praising the Lord for bringing me HERE, and bringing me into the place where I KNOW i am to be.
"let all that i am, praise the LORD; with my whole heart, i will praise His holy name." ps. 103:1
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
love is an ocean wide
sometimes i just simply forget. i allow the busyness of my day, the distractions in my mind, the problems in my path to get in the way of what truly matters. even in these enchanted woods, my mind forgets to constantly turn my eyes towards the heavens and thank the Creator for these majestic creatures of beauty and timeless stories. may the heavens always sing their song of praise, because my words, my thoughts, and my actions fall short.
im in a reminicse-y sort of mood. heck, when am i not? sometimes it's easier to live in the past than it is to face the present. so often i find my heart wandering to better times and easier days and longer nights. tonight, i felt my heart suddenly overwhelmed with a longing and a pull to be home. i don't mean ohio. i mean in the Crazy Mountains, in the Boulder Valley, in the rickety old cabins of Clydehurst. maybe not even at the place...but i was truly missing what made that place my home -- the people who surrounded me. so, if you're from camp, and you're reading this, know that, though my body is miles away from you, my heart is nearby, for where you are, therealso is my heart and my love. even in the midst of other Christian communities (which, can i just say, i am truly blessed to be able to live, once again, in a community full of mature, seeking Christians? wow. wow. oh wow.) i still long for the one that i was a part of this past summer.
do you know the story behind me going back to Clydehurst for another summer? its truly testimony of God knowing all things and working them accordingly to our best. i was wrestling over what i should do for the summer. do i get an internship & stay at home (with a boy playing into that idea) or should i go back to camp, after what was truly a trying experience the previous summer? i was torn. i knew i needed to get this internship in, but ccr is truly a place like no other. you don't fully understand, even in the most descriptive words and detailed stories, until you experience it for yourself. well, i decided to dedicate my spring break, one spent on a deserted island in the middle of the gulf of Florida, to praying and seeking God's will for this. like most mornings on that island, i woke up early, due to crashing waves, blowing winds, and cold chills. but that morning, was different. i woke up, wide awake, and clear as day, i heard the Lord speak to me. one word. "camp." that was it. that's all He said. me, having the big, opinionted mouth that i do, said, "are you serious, Lord?! after what happened the the last time?" and He again said, "camp." i'm not much of a doubter when it comes to the Lord speaking plainly, but i figured He should know straight up how uncertain i was with this idea. but He said, "trust me."
"trust me." sounds so simple. such an easy concept to picture, but putting it into action? a whole different story. but looking back, i cannot imagine life if i had not been to camp. i would not have met some of the most incredible people i will ever encounter if i had let fear have its hold. i would not have experienced Christian community like the bride of Christ if i had allowed past experiences to drive me away. i would have never seen beautiful, amazing children like Maggie, the Cutler twins, and Bob come to Christ if i had let resentment keep me back like a prisoner. this whole trust issue is hard, especially in times when friends, friends of friends, high school classmates, and family members are dying in tragic ways for uncalled for reasons. trust is tough when you're not certain the God of love loves everyone the same. remember when i mentioned i often forget? its times like this that i forget to remember, to look back, to meditate on the blessings God has come through on, time and time again, and the unexplainable ways that He continues to work, renew, fix, and bless me...every day. i don't want to forget. sometimes i let doubt cloud my vision. im trying, truly i am, to remember. daily. moment by moment. to remember the God who is. God is, and all is well.
im in a reminicse-y sort of mood. heck, when am i not? sometimes it's easier to live in the past than it is to face the present. so often i find my heart wandering to better times and easier days and longer nights. tonight, i felt my heart suddenly overwhelmed with a longing and a pull to be home. i don't mean ohio. i mean in the Crazy Mountains, in the Boulder Valley, in the rickety old cabins of Clydehurst. maybe not even at the place...but i was truly missing what made that place my home -- the people who surrounded me. so, if you're from camp, and you're reading this, know that, though my body is miles away from you, my heart is nearby, for where you are, therealso is my heart and my love. even in the midst of other Christian communities (which, can i just say, i am truly blessed to be able to live, once again, in a community full of mature, seeking Christians? wow. wow. oh wow.) i still long for the one that i was a part of this past summer.
do you know the story behind me going back to Clydehurst for another summer? its truly testimony of God knowing all things and working them accordingly to our best. i was wrestling over what i should do for the summer. do i get an internship & stay at home (with a boy playing into that idea) or should i go back to camp, after what was truly a trying experience the previous summer? i was torn. i knew i needed to get this internship in, but ccr is truly a place like no other. you don't fully understand, even in the most descriptive words and detailed stories, until you experience it for yourself. well, i decided to dedicate my spring break, one spent on a deserted island in the middle of the gulf of Florida, to praying and seeking God's will for this. like most mornings on that island, i woke up early, due to crashing waves, blowing winds, and cold chills. but that morning, was different. i woke up, wide awake, and clear as day, i heard the Lord speak to me. one word. "camp." that was it. that's all He said. me, having the big, opinionted mouth that i do, said, "are you serious, Lord?! after what happened the the last time?" and He again said, "camp." i'm not much of a doubter when it comes to the Lord speaking plainly, but i figured He should know straight up how uncertain i was with this idea. but He said, "trust me."
"trust me." sounds so simple. such an easy concept to picture, but putting it into action? a whole different story. but looking back, i cannot imagine life if i had not been to camp. i would not have met some of the most incredible people i will ever encounter if i had let fear have its hold. i would not have experienced Christian community like the bride of Christ if i had allowed past experiences to drive me away. i would have never seen beautiful, amazing children like Maggie, the Cutler twins, and Bob come to Christ if i had let resentment keep me back like a prisoner. this whole trust issue is hard, especially in times when friends, friends of friends, high school classmates, and family members are dying in tragic ways for uncalled for reasons. trust is tough when you're not certain the God of love loves everyone the same. remember when i mentioned i often forget? its times like this that i forget to remember, to look back, to meditate on the blessings God has come through on, time and time again, and the unexplainable ways that He continues to work, renew, fix, and bless me...every day. i don't want to forget. sometimes i let doubt cloud my vision. im trying, truly i am, to remember. daily. moment by moment. to remember the God who is. God is, and all is well.
Monday, February 1, 2010
feeling the flames.
"for everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. a time to be born and a time to die. a time to plant and a time to harvest. a time to kill and a time to heal. a time to tear down and a time to build up. a time to cry and a time to laugh. a time to grieve and a time to dance. a time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. a time to embrace and a time to turn away. a time to search and a time to quit searching. a time to keep and a time to throw away. a time to tear and a time to mend. a time to be quiet and a time to speak. a time to love and a time to hate. a time for war and a time for peace. what do people really get for all their hard work? i have seen the burden God has placed on us all. yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end." ecc. 3:1-11
refining fires hurt. especially when Satan's also shooting flaming arrows of doubt, anger, and anguish, piercing my heart and making it hard to breathe. i so desperately want to glorify God in my angst and my sadness, but all i can do is simply plead that the Holy Spirit will intercede, for the groanings of my heart are all that i can offer to the Lord.
this past weekend, i found out a dear, sweet girl from my high school class passed away because of a rare blood disease. she was 22. she was married. and now, she is simply a memory. is this how it will be from now to eternity? that we are simply a whispering wind, to be forgotten by the daily toil of the earth's day-to-day tasks? to have life so fleeting & so seemingly insignificant? and yet, we are the pride & joy of our Creator. why does it seem so oxymoronic?
fast forward to today. i found out my dear, sweet, little brother Nils is grieving the loss of his 25-year-old brother, who died tragically after falling off a cliff while hiking the mountains of O'Ahu. does this seem right? NO! "a time for every season under heaven..." he was apart of Teach for America. he challenged students to be better than the low standard that society had labeled his students with. he was loved by his community and his school. his season ended far too early.
we lose a staff person today. not because of wrong actions or neglect, but because he physically is unable to perform at a level necessary for the job. this is not due to being obese or out of shape -- something he could control. no. its far more simple than that. he is unable to meet "our level of standards" because he had a brain tumor at age 8, causing him to function slightly slower physically than the rest of us. he may not have the best balance or the fastest hands, but he is brilliant -- in his jokes, in his understanding of life, and in his ability to teach. i feel like i am losing a part of me, as i cherish this friend who, in his short time being here, has given me the most laughs, taught me how to love life, and has given me more insight to teaching than i was ever expecting. i am so grateful for wade...and utterly devastated in his leaving.
life isn't fair. we hear that all the time. "tough luck." "that's too bad." "life's not fair." we've all gotten it before. but tell that to the mother who has lost her son. tell that to the husband who is grieving over the loss of his better half. tell that to the man who was left crippled by a childhood disease, and because of that, his dream has been crushed. i stood out in the middle of the parking lot, crying out in anguish because, if there was ever a case for "life's not fair," THIS IS IT! and i don't get it still.
talking with wade tonight, he is still at peace for this closing door. he said that "the Lord directs a man's path." and he is open to where God will take him next. he said his impact has been made, and now it is time to go and be a light, be a light to others. Nils, in the midst of such tragedy, is telling me not to worry, that he's surrounded by people who are supporting him, and that its going to be alright. he's pointing me to Psalms 57, where it says "i will hide beneath the shadow of your wings...my heart is confident in you, O God; my heart is confident. no wonder i can sing your praises...your unfailing love is as high as the heavens. Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds. be exalted, O God, above the heavens..." i'm hearing endless accounts of Missy, and the lives that she touched because throughout her entire life, she battled this disease with grace, strength, and love. she was a spokesperson for this rarity, and she stood her ground until she was called home. there is praise being spoken of all she had done.
there is hope in the midst of all of this pain. each person is feeding me beauty that they're finding among the ashes. each person is singing a song of praise admist the storms. and here i am, shaking like a leaf. i want to trust, to find peace, but my heart, which feels to the depths of emotion, is breaking against the stress. pray for me, brothers & sisters. i love these people dearly, and wish i could do something for them, and give back to them what they have given me...the desire to find hope. but i think that i would just be giving them lies. only time will tell.
refining fires hurt. especially when Satan's also shooting flaming arrows of doubt, anger, and anguish, piercing my heart and making it hard to breathe. i so desperately want to glorify God in my angst and my sadness, but all i can do is simply plead that the Holy Spirit will intercede, for the groanings of my heart are all that i can offer to the Lord.
this past weekend, i found out a dear, sweet girl from my high school class passed away because of a rare blood disease. she was 22. she was married. and now, she is simply a memory. is this how it will be from now to eternity? that we are simply a whispering wind, to be forgotten by the daily toil of the earth's day-to-day tasks? to have life so fleeting & so seemingly insignificant? and yet, we are the pride & joy of our Creator. why does it seem so oxymoronic?
fast forward to today. i found out my dear, sweet, little brother Nils is grieving the loss of his 25-year-old brother, who died tragically after falling off a cliff while hiking the mountains of O'Ahu. does this seem right? NO! "a time for every season under heaven..." he was apart of Teach for America. he challenged students to be better than the low standard that society had labeled his students with. he was loved by his community and his school. his season ended far too early.
we lose a staff person today. not because of wrong actions or neglect, but because he physically is unable to perform at a level necessary for the job. this is not due to being obese or out of shape -- something he could control. no. its far more simple than that. he is unable to meet "our level of standards" because he had a brain tumor at age 8, causing him to function slightly slower physically than the rest of us. he may not have the best balance or the fastest hands, but he is brilliant -- in his jokes, in his understanding of life, and in his ability to teach. i feel like i am losing a part of me, as i cherish this friend who, in his short time being here, has given me the most laughs, taught me how to love life, and has given me more insight to teaching than i was ever expecting. i am so grateful for wade...and utterly devastated in his leaving.
life isn't fair. we hear that all the time. "tough luck." "that's too bad." "life's not fair." we've all gotten it before. but tell that to the mother who has lost her son. tell that to the husband who is grieving over the loss of his better half. tell that to the man who was left crippled by a childhood disease, and because of that, his dream has been crushed. i stood out in the middle of the parking lot, crying out in anguish because, if there was ever a case for "life's not fair," THIS IS IT! and i don't get it still.
talking with wade tonight, he is still at peace for this closing door. he said that "the Lord directs a man's path." and he is open to where God will take him next. he said his impact has been made, and now it is time to go and be a light, be a light to others. Nils, in the midst of such tragedy, is telling me not to worry, that he's surrounded by people who are supporting him, and that its going to be alright. he's pointing me to Psalms 57, where it says "i will hide beneath the shadow of your wings...my heart is confident in you, O God; my heart is confident. no wonder i can sing your praises...your unfailing love is as high as the heavens. Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds. be exalted, O God, above the heavens..." i'm hearing endless accounts of Missy, and the lives that she touched because throughout her entire life, she battled this disease with grace, strength, and love. she was a spokesperson for this rarity, and she stood her ground until she was called home. there is praise being spoken of all she had done.
there is hope in the midst of all of this pain. each person is feeding me beauty that they're finding among the ashes. each person is singing a song of praise admist the storms. and here i am, shaking like a leaf. i want to trust, to find peace, but my heart, which feels to the depths of emotion, is breaking against the stress. pray for me, brothers & sisters. i love these people dearly, and wish i could do something for them, and give back to them what they have given me...the desire to find hope. but i think that i would just be giving them lies. only time will tell.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
wrestling with "love"
i'm just going to be straight up.
i don't understand God's version of love.
thank goodness for grace, because if salvation was on faith alone, i think i would have been swimming in that lake of fire years ago. my faith lacks so much sometimes. more often than not, i think.
something i have been mulling around in my mind for the past couple weeks is this idea of God's love for us. not just us His children, but us as in His entire creation. i don't struggle with that fact that He loves me, or fight to understand the depth of His love -- no, i am legitimately confused, doubting, and struggling with the delivery & destination modes of His love. i pray that as i write this mess of confusion that is tangled within my mind and soul that someone out there, reading this post, will be able to either relate with my struggles or, God willing, be able to help guide a lost and broken girl to firmer ground in Christ. my heart is willing but my flesh & spirit are so very weak.
here's what i do not, for the life of me, understand the way that God bestows a mulitude of blessings to some, and then what seems to be little or none to others. as i sit wrapped up in my J.Crew sheets and Nike running gear, my mind is thousands of miles away in a village where the rows of sod and metal shacks stretch to the horizon, and children are fighting for attention, for survival, for love, and for their lives. i know that i am spoiled, that i am blessed, and that i am wealthier than 99% of the world's population. what i don't understand is, "why me?" did someone happen to do something thousands of years ago that would centuries later place me in a home with two parents, a job, and an opportunity to essentially play in the outdoors all the time in the future? do i really deserve this position in life? honestly, i get angry thinking about this. i admit it. i am angry with God...over His blessings in my life. That sounds completely moronic and selfish and retarded, but straight up, i struggle with this. i sit here with everything in need and then some, while there are others who tonight will go to bed on a hard, cold ground with nothing to cover them with. why do i seem more "blessed" than them. God doesn't love them any less. but why does it seem that way?
i think back to the old testament. a lot of people don't really like the OT, though my favorite book of the Bible resides right smack dab in the middle of it. yet in it, i see a God who shows favor to one group -- His chosen people, Israel -- and disregards all other nations. battle with Israel (when they're following God like they should, that is) and POOF, they're decimated and crawling back to their homelands. does that mean that God doesn't love those nations? did they get the "sorry, you don't have the golden ticket for this gate, you'll have to take the long black train headed down south" simply because they didn't have the label of "Israel" stamped across their hindparts? i can almost picture the Israelites yelling "SUCKA'S!" cause they got the blessing...and the others didn't. what did they do, or what didn't they do that caused them to "miss out"...or did our human depravity through a 'series of unfortunate events" push some nations out of the redeeming circle?
fast forward to today's world. how is it that on one side of the street, people are wining and dining in luxuary while across the road children are sick, starving and dying. why did i get put in a place of such wealth while others are in such poverty. God, do you love them like you love me?! why do i not see how you love them?! Camp South Africa, one of the satellite camp ministries that Alliance Redwoods has started, funded, and facilitated for the past four years spoke tonight at our staff banquet, and i gotta tell you that i still am seething and melting from the stories & the experiences that were shared. in my own weakness, i am feeling completely separated from my Savior because, right now, i am lacking the faith to love a God who seems to allow for favorites...and in my eyes, i see my position as being more favored, and i don't like it. i mostly don't like myself for doubting....yet i do believe that God is big enough to handle my doubts and my realness. david, you have some competition tonight.
can anyone help me sort through this pain? something i really struggle with is simply knowing that i am in this place, this very moment, for a reason...that God is telling me my story and no one elses...but we are called in Matthew 28:19-20 to "therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age." (NLT) What about Isaiah 61: 1-3? "The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is upon me, for the LORD has annointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted and to proclim that captives will be freed. He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of the LORD's favor has come, and with it, the day of God's anger against their enemies. To all who mourn in Israel, He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great [redwoods] that the LORD has planted for His own glory." i see this commission, this epic adventure, this quest given by the Creator Himself, but i'm stuck in "park" mode, unable to get past the fact that i was given this life, and not one like theirs.
pray with me, dear brothers & sisters. this is a battle not to be won easily, and not without tears & pain. i desire so desperately to understand the God i serve, but if i cannot even be satisfied with the blessings He has given me, how will i ever be effective in my ministry to those who have nothing. i fear i will just be caught up in the anger of my own struggles, or even worse, crack under my lack of faith. i do not want to be burdened with this doubt but rather freed in Christ. if you have ANY thoughts, Scripture, or experiences that could in any possible way relate to my struggles, i beg as a sister in Christ, for you to share them with me. i cannot do this alone.
i don't understand God's version of love.
thank goodness for grace, because if salvation was on faith alone, i think i would have been swimming in that lake of fire years ago. my faith lacks so much sometimes. more often than not, i think.
something i have been mulling around in my mind for the past couple weeks is this idea of God's love for us. not just us His children, but us as in His entire creation. i don't struggle with that fact that He loves me, or fight to understand the depth of His love -- no, i am legitimately confused, doubting, and struggling with the delivery & destination modes of His love. i pray that as i write this mess of confusion that is tangled within my mind and soul that someone out there, reading this post, will be able to either relate with my struggles or, God willing, be able to help guide a lost and broken girl to firmer ground in Christ. my heart is willing but my flesh & spirit are so very weak.
here's what i do not, for the life of me, understand the way that God bestows a mulitude of blessings to some, and then what seems to be little or none to others. as i sit wrapped up in my J.Crew sheets and Nike running gear, my mind is thousands of miles away in a village where the rows of sod and metal shacks stretch to the horizon, and children are fighting for attention, for survival, for love, and for their lives. i know that i am spoiled, that i am blessed, and that i am wealthier than 99% of the world's population. what i don't understand is, "why me?" did someone happen to do something thousands of years ago that would centuries later place me in a home with two parents, a job, and an opportunity to essentially play in the outdoors all the time in the future? do i really deserve this position in life? honestly, i get angry thinking about this. i admit it. i am angry with God...over His blessings in my life. That sounds completely moronic and selfish and retarded, but straight up, i struggle with this. i sit here with everything in need and then some, while there are others who tonight will go to bed on a hard, cold ground with nothing to cover them with. why do i seem more "blessed" than them. God doesn't love them any less. but why does it seem that way?
i think back to the old testament. a lot of people don't really like the OT, though my favorite book of the Bible resides right smack dab in the middle of it. yet in it, i see a God who shows favor to one group -- His chosen people, Israel -- and disregards all other nations. battle with Israel (when they're following God like they should, that is) and POOF, they're decimated and crawling back to their homelands. does that mean that God doesn't love those nations? did they get the "sorry, you don't have the golden ticket for this gate, you'll have to take the long black train headed down south" simply because they didn't have the label of "Israel" stamped across their hindparts? i can almost picture the Israelites yelling "SUCKA'S!" cause they got the blessing...and the others didn't. what did they do, or what didn't they do that caused them to "miss out"...or did our human depravity through a 'series of unfortunate events" push some nations out of the redeeming circle?
fast forward to today's world. how is it that on one side of the street, people are wining and dining in luxuary while across the road children are sick, starving and dying. why did i get put in a place of such wealth while others are in such poverty. God, do you love them like you love me?! why do i not see how you love them?! Camp South Africa, one of the satellite camp ministries that Alliance Redwoods has started, funded, and facilitated for the past four years spoke tonight at our staff banquet, and i gotta tell you that i still am seething and melting from the stories & the experiences that were shared. in my own weakness, i am feeling completely separated from my Savior because, right now, i am lacking the faith to love a God who seems to allow for favorites...and in my eyes, i see my position as being more favored, and i don't like it. i mostly don't like myself for doubting....yet i do believe that God is big enough to handle my doubts and my realness. david, you have some competition tonight.
can anyone help me sort through this pain? something i really struggle with is simply knowing that i am in this place, this very moment, for a reason...that God is telling me my story and no one elses...but we are called in Matthew 28:19-20 to "therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age." (NLT) What about Isaiah 61: 1-3? "The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is upon me, for the LORD has annointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted and to proclim that captives will be freed. He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of the LORD's favor has come, and with it, the day of God's anger against their enemies. To all who mourn in Israel, He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great [redwoods] that the LORD has planted for His own glory." i see this commission, this epic adventure, this quest given by the Creator Himself, but i'm stuck in "park" mode, unable to get past the fact that i was given this life, and not one like theirs.
pray with me, dear brothers & sisters. this is a battle not to be won easily, and not without tears & pain. i desire so desperately to understand the God i serve, but if i cannot even be satisfied with the blessings He has given me, how will i ever be effective in my ministry to those who have nothing. i fear i will just be caught up in the anger of my own struggles, or even worse, crack under my lack of faith. i do not want to be burdened with this doubt but rather freed in Christ. if you have ANY thoughts, Scripture, or experiences that could in any possible way relate to my struggles, i beg as a sister in Christ, for you to share them with me. i cannot do this alone.
Friday, January 22, 2010
disney parks, ranch life, & enchanted forests (part 2)
"so we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view. at one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view. how differently we know Him now! this means that anyone who belongs in Christ has become a new person. the old life is gone; a new life has begun!" (2 cor. 5:16-17)
when you go to the Word hungry, you will get fed. it's that simple. it's still astounding. i needed this so much this past week, and i fall on my knees in praise to the God who has helped me get past my own deal to see & deal with others with love.
when i last left off, i was pulling out of my driveway, saying goodbye to the life i had always known and dearly love. our first night's stop took us to Springfield, MO, where it was cold as all get out...1 degree is not my favorite type of weather. don't get me wrong. snow = boss. frostbite, hypothermia, death = not so much. pretty normal scenery till we hit new mexico, where we stopped in Alberquerqe, NM, where the sky is as big as the land is far. i could have stayed right there on the mesa and been perfectly content, but california still called. i spent the first three days mostly sleeping due to being sick...i am so thankful for my brother who is steady at the wheel and loving at the heart. he takes good care of me. wednesday night we cross the california border after a lovely day of mountains, mesa, snow and sunsets. i laugh that we got stopped by border patrol and had to give up our fruit... andrew george, your dream job, eh? ;) california was a balmy 60 degrees and welcomed us with a dilemma. that morning i had gotten word that my frantic trip to make it out to CA in time for the jan. 11 start date was in vain...yes, they pushed the start date back a week. so now i was in CA with an extra week's time and nothing to do. so, what did we decide to do? well, its all about location, location, location. :) we were in so-cal, right? so of course we decided to take thursday and go visit disneyland! i can proudly say that i have visited all the disney parks within two weeks of each other. i also was able to spend quality fun time with my brother who i dearly love. did i mention it was beautiful day with a high of 75 degrees? mmmn hmmm. friday dawned bright and clear as we made our way north towards the place i would call my home for six months.
i live in an enchanted forest. think narnia, star wars (episode 6), and LOTR all in one. one minute we were driving through rolling hills, farmland and scruffy trees (which i now can identify as tan oaks!) and the next we dropped down into wooded land and the tallest trees i've ever seen. we pulled into Alliance Redwoods around 5 pm and were greeted by...uh...no one. there was no one in the house, and we actually didn't see anyone till the following day! thomas and i took the next day to explore the village & also the beach. the woods are lovely here...so many fairy circles and also leprechauns (for reals!) that its absolutely crazy! i also was faced with the dilemma of what to do for the following week. i came into this place with honestly a bad attitude, a defeated spirit, and an unhappy face. so, in my desperation, i called up my dear friend laurel and asked if i could come visit her.
what? spend a week on a ranch? with nothing for miles and simply animals and deep, spiritual company? what could be better? what could be more invigorating for the soul? i needed to be immersed into california slowly (can we say culture shock?) but also i needed something to revive my spirit -- to make me excited for who i am, and what my purpose was out here. perhaps to simply find my purpose.
a sad departing, i dropped my brother off at the airport & cut my final ties to home. i love my family & miss them dearly, but knew that it was time to head off onto my own path. so, i hopped into to my car and started off for elk creek. here i would find rest, peace, and serenity.
just wait.
when you go to the Word hungry, you will get fed. it's that simple. it's still astounding. i needed this so much this past week, and i fall on my knees in praise to the God who has helped me get past my own deal to see & deal with others with love.
when i last left off, i was pulling out of my driveway, saying goodbye to the life i had always known and dearly love. our first night's stop took us to Springfield, MO, where it was cold as all get out...1 degree is not my favorite type of weather. don't get me wrong. snow = boss. frostbite, hypothermia, death = not so much. pretty normal scenery till we hit new mexico, where we stopped in Alberquerqe, NM, where the sky is as big as the land is far. i could have stayed right there on the mesa and been perfectly content, but california still called. i spent the first three days mostly sleeping due to being sick...i am so thankful for my brother who is steady at the wheel and loving at the heart. he takes good care of me. wednesday night we cross the california border after a lovely day of mountains, mesa, snow and sunsets. i laugh that we got stopped by border patrol and had to give up our fruit... andrew george, your dream job, eh? ;) california was a balmy 60 degrees and welcomed us with a dilemma. that morning i had gotten word that my frantic trip to make it out to CA in time for the jan. 11 start date was in vain...yes, they pushed the start date back a week. so now i was in CA with an extra week's time and nothing to do. so, what did we decide to do? well, its all about location, location, location. :) we were in so-cal, right? so of course we decided to take thursday and go visit disneyland! i can proudly say that i have visited all the disney parks within two weeks of each other. i also was able to spend quality fun time with my brother who i dearly love. did i mention it was beautiful day with a high of 75 degrees? mmmn hmmm. friday dawned bright and clear as we made our way north towards the place i would call my home for six months.
i live in an enchanted forest. think narnia, star wars (episode 6), and LOTR all in one. one minute we were driving through rolling hills, farmland and scruffy trees (which i now can identify as tan oaks!) and the next we dropped down into wooded land and the tallest trees i've ever seen. we pulled into Alliance Redwoods around 5 pm and were greeted by...uh...no one. there was no one in the house, and we actually didn't see anyone till the following day! thomas and i took the next day to explore the village & also the beach. the woods are lovely here...so many fairy circles and also leprechauns (for reals!) that its absolutely crazy! i also was faced with the dilemma of what to do for the following week. i came into this place with honestly a bad attitude, a defeated spirit, and an unhappy face. so, in my desperation, i called up my dear friend laurel and asked if i could come visit her.
what? spend a week on a ranch? with nothing for miles and simply animals and deep, spiritual company? what could be better? what could be more invigorating for the soul? i needed to be immersed into california slowly (can we say culture shock?) but also i needed something to revive my spirit -- to make me excited for who i am, and what my purpose was out here. perhaps to simply find my purpose.
a sad departing, i dropped my brother off at the airport & cut my final ties to home. i love my family & miss them dearly, but knew that it was time to head off onto my own path. so, i hopped into to my car and started off for elk creek. here i would find rest, peace, and serenity.
just wait.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
disney parks, ranch life, & enchanted forests.
God loves rabbit holes & backstage scenes.
hold on, let me explain my thoughts.
ever get struck by the fact that the realms of the unseen not only work against us, but are more often working for us? that means that while Satan is trying his very best to bring us down, throw us off track, and break apart our faith, God and His angels are working harder & are going beyond to bless and direct our paths. most of the time we do not get the chance to understand or the opportunity to look at what God is doing, but, just once in a while -- in rare glimpses -- we are given the chance to look at the inner workings and see they paths God has brought us on.
funny how those moments can completely change your attitude, your purpose, and your zeal for the Creator.
one month ago, i was still living day by day, simply floating through time & the pace of life. yesterday, i was given a glimpse of the paths God has brought me on, and i am all the better for it. i thank God for the people who helped bring me to the place i am today, as well as the fact that He loves me enough to bring me all the way across the country to radically change my life. if that's all it takes, then i'll pack up BA (my car) and travel back again.
let me fill in the gaps.
i left life after college in God's hands, since my hands were full with race planning, end of college preparations, and 5 jobs. i spent most of my time running from one place to another, while i let my job searches, applications and interviews go by the wayside. surprisingly, God allowed me to have several interviews and lots of interest from places in MA, VA, TX, OH & NY. Yet, I wasn't exactly excited about any one of those places...espcially MA...I mean really, do I seem like the type who would live in the city? pshaw. as graduation crept closer, i finally decided just to pray & seek God's best, wherever He took me. Then, one later Thursday night, i hopped on the CCCA website randomly, since i hadn't been there in a while. to my surprise, there was a job posting for this seemingly amazing place in Occidental, CA, for a Naturalist position at a camp called Alliance Redwoods Conference Grounds. see, i had looked at this camp earlier in the year, but seeing they had no positions available, i had pushed it to the back of my mind. now, they were not only hiring, but desperate for teachers. without really thinking, i downloaded an application, and stayed up late filling it out. i finished it early the next morning (friday), and sent it in. later that afternoon, i got a phone call, had an interview, and a promise to hear back from them early the next week. monday rolls around, and i got an email offering me the job. tuesday afternoon, i signed a contract and radically changed my direction. now i had to find a way to get out to CA by jan. 10, and also leave everything i have ever known. in one quick weekend, i switched from being a college student to a working girl in the real world. for someone who has barely stepped off her home soil (in a figural sense), i was making leaps towards a new adventure.
phase deux. job # 2.
the next day, while i was simply sitting in my room, procrastinating a silly paper, i got an unknown phone call on my cell. ringing a voicemail, i listened to the message, and ended up putting my roommate in a panic with all of the "oh my gosh"s and panicked look on my face. the phone call was from Washington State University, informing me i was a finalist for their gradute assistant position in experiential education, and they wanted an interview. now i not only had a real job, but the chance to perhaps go to grad school for free with a legit position to boot. praise God from whom all blessings flow. will wonders never cease? not on my own doing, believe me. i had an interview the night before i graduated, and then placed the position in God's hands. little did i know that i would be receiving a phone call the following week from them. i can remember exactly what happened. i was walking towards the "Energy" display at Epcot Center, when i felt my phone ring for a voicemail. i sat on the bench, listened to the voicemail, and then promptly laid down and told my parents i was going to be sick. God once again astounds me with blessings, as the voicemail was an offer for the position. so hello california, then on to washington! mcgee!
did i forget to mention the fact that i graduated? that was interesting. i really thought i was going to cry and be nervous and get upset, but as i walked into lucky gym, i simply had a peace that it was time to leave. "for such a time as this" mordicai tells esther as she is brought to face the challege of saving her people, or her life. though my life was not in danger, i was brought to iwu for "such a time as this," and now was the time to flee or to fly. so i flew -- down the isle, up the stairs, and out the door with my diploma...holder. don't worry, i made a face and the "rock on" sign to my family. gotta be real.
(i miss that place already. it was the time of my life. but i will always treasure the memory.)
so, fast forward two weeks. i graduated, went on vacation to disneyworld (yeah baby!), then took a week to pack up my life in a car & say goodbye to friends i've had for years, not to mention a place that i have called home all my life, and to my family which is the most important thing in my life after my relationship with Christ. i said goodbye january 5, and pulled out the driveway with my stuff stowed away, and my brother in the driver seat. (yep, couldn't take a road trip without him!)
ok. this post is extremely long. my fingers are no longer functioning, so au revoir!
hold on, let me explain my thoughts.
ever get struck by the fact that the realms of the unseen not only work against us, but are more often working for us? that means that while Satan is trying his very best to bring us down, throw us off track, and break apart our faith, God and His angels are working harder & are going beyond to bless and direct our paths. most of the time we do not get the chance to understand or the opportunity to look at what God is doing, but, just once in a while -- in rare glimpses -- we are given the chance to look at the inner workings and see they paths God has brought us on.
funny how those moments can completely change your attitude, your purpose, and your zeal for the Creator.
one month ago, i was still living day by day, simply floating through time & the pace of life. yesterday, i was given a glimpse of the paths God has brought me on, and i am all the better for it. i thank God for the people who helped bring me to the place i am today, as well as the fact that He loves me enough to bring me all the way across the country to radically change my life. if that's all it takes, then i'll pack up BA (my car) and travel back again.
let me fill in the gaps.
i left life after college in God's hands, since my hands were full with race planning, end of college preparations, and 5 jobs. i spent most of my time running from one place to another, while i let my job searches, applications and interviews go by the wayside. surprisingly, God allowed me to have several interviews and lots of interest from places in MA, VA, TX, OH & NY. Yet, I wasn't exactly excited about any one of those places...espcially MA...I mean really, do I seem like the type who would live in the city? pshaw. as graduation crept closer, i finally decided just to pray & seek God's best, wherever He took me. Then, one later Thursday night, i hopped on the CCCA website randomly, since i hadn't been there in a while. to my surprise, there was a job posting for this seemingly amazing place in Occidental, CA, for a Naturalist position at a camp called Alliance Redwoods Conference Grounds. see, i had looked at this camp earlier in the year, but seeing they had no positions available, i had pushed it to the back of my mind. now, they were not only hiring, but desperate for teachers. without really thinking, i downloaded an application, and stayed up late filling it out. i finished it early the next morning (friday), and sent it in. later that afternoon, i got a phone call, had an interview, and a promise to hear back from them early the next week. monday rolls around, and i got an email offering me the job. tuesday afternoon, i signed a contract and radically changed my direction. now i had to find a way to get out to CA by jan. 10, and also leave everything i have ever known. in one quick weekend, i switched from being a college student to a working girl in the real world. for someone who has barely stepped off her home soil (in a figural sense), i was making leaps towards a new adventure.
phase deux. job # 2.
the next day, while i was simply sitting in my room, procrastinating a silly paper, i got an unknown phone call on my cell. ringing a voicemail, i listened to the message, and ended up putting my roommate in a panic with all of the "oh my gosh"s and panicked look on my face. the phone call was from Washington State University, informing me i was a finalist for their gradute assistant position in experiential education, and they wanted an interview. now i not only had a real job, but the chance to perhaps go to grad school for free with a legit position to boot. praise God from whom all blessings flow. will wonders never cease? not on my own doing, believe me. i had an interview the night before i graduated, and then placed the position in God's hands. little did i know that i would be receiving a phone call the following week from them. i can remember exactly what happened. i was walking towards the "Energy" display at Epcot Center, when i felt my phone ring for a voicemail. i sat on the bench, listened to the voicemail, and then promptly laid down and told my parents i was going to be sick. God once again astounds me with blessings, as the voicemail was an offer for the position. so hello california, then on to washington! mcgee!
did i forget to mention the fact that i graduated? that was interesting. i really thought i was going to cry and be nervous and get upset, but as i walked into lucky gym, i simply had a peace that it was time to leave. "for such a time as this" mordicai tells esther as she is brought to face the challege of saving her people, or her life. though my life was not in danger, i was brought to iwu for "such a time as this," and now was the time to flee or to fly. so i flew -- down the isle, up the stairs, and out the door with my diploma...holder. don't worry, i made a face and the "rock on" sign to my family. gotta be real.
(i miss that place already. it was the time of my life. but i will always treasure the memory.)
so, fast forward two weeks. i graduated, went on vacation to disneyworld (yeah baby!), then took a week to pack up my life in a car & say goodbye to friends i've had for years, not to mention a place that i have called home all my life, and to my family which is the most important thing in my life after my relationship with Christ. i said goodbye january 5, and pulled out the driveway with my stuff stowed away, and my brother in the driver seat. (yep, couldn't take a road trip without him!)
ok. this post is extremely long. my fingers are no longer functioning, so au revoir!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)