giving back blessings.

my world is about to become a little bigger.

the verdict is in. i'm going to washington state university, grad school extraordinaire.
can we say terrifying? amazing? humbling? i don't even know where to begin.

for you who don't exactly know the ramifications or the story behind this revelation, allow me to give you a quick recap. back in october, i applied for a graduate assistantship at WSU to head up the Experiential Education department there under their recreation center. i had no hopes of getting the job, but was utterly astonished when, just a few days before i graduated, i received a phone call stating i was a finalist for the position. a few weeks later, i receieved notice that i had been chosen for this job. i was floored, and literally fell to the ground (at Epcot Center in Disneyworld, no less. slightly embarassing, to say the least. hehe.) well, since then, there has been red tape after red tape stopping my every move and effort to get in. i could only accept the position on the terms that i would get into grad school. more problems -- the program i applied for was closed off for the year...no applications ANYWHERE. therefore, i had a decision to make -- apply for another program, one i don't want, or give up the position and my dream. i prayed, i felt peace, and i made the move to just try. this meant taking the GRE on 2 weeks notice, reapplying, sending new applications & recommendations...and basically giving all i could. then, it was in the Lord's hands. and well, He honored this effort with placing me in grad school. so, hello washington!

going to a new place means a whole new life, and now i am only beginning to see the full ramifications of this acceptance. that was the easy part -- now i am restarting my entire life, and i have only a few short weeks to do it in. but to be honest, now is not the time to think about all of this. nope. all that stress can wait. there's something i must do before i even think about washington. something that i messed up with california.

i love Oswald Chambers. the lovely Hope Hardaway started my journey with good old Ozzie this past summer, starting out mornings out at breakfast with a daily dose of his God-driven wisdom. so, i bought the book, and each day its been a kick in the pants because i literally see on the pages before my eyes God's direct words to my life. Oz wrote this simple passage about worship.

"worship is giving God the best that He has given you. be careful what you do with the best you have. whenever you get a blessing from God, give it back to Him as a love-gift. take time to meditate before God and offer the blessing back to Him in a deliberate act of worship. if you hoard it for yourself, it will turn into spiritual dry rot, as the manna did when it was hoarded."

see, i've been about this blessing thing all wrong. i pray to God, expecting to see Him act for my "betterment," and when He does come through for me, i thank Him...and then embark on my adventure. but i've forgotten to give to Him what is due. this blessing given to me is not mine to keep, not mine to enjoy alone.

it's all His. and His alone. that's why we live this life, isn't it? or, at least, this is how we ought to live -- "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, your soul, and your mind." that means giving to Him every part of me...even the blessings He already has showered me with. that's why, before i dive into the crashing waves of uncertainty, excitement, and paperwork, i'm going to stop, and dedicate my blessing back to the Lord. i didn't do it with california, and now i am seeing the consequences of not being aware of what this blessing is. so its my time to give to the Lord what He's given to me. i want to honor Him with this blessing, you know? I don't want to do this Washington thing on my own, but rather, live this blessing guided by His loving hand.

"Listen! it's the voice of someone shouting, 'Clear the way through the wilderness for the LORD! Make a straight highway through the wasteland for our God! Fill in the valleys, and level thr mountains and hills. Straighten the curves and smooth out the rough places. Then the glory of the LORD will be revealed, and all people will see it together! The LORD has spoken!'" -- Isaiah 40:3-6

let's be spontaneous, shall we?

one cryptic message. one bewildered question. one frantic computer task & late night phone call. one hour later, i'm booked on a flight to HOME.

yep. just one little change and my whole world is thrown into a frenzy. i found out at 8:30 pm wednesday night that i had the next week and a half off of work. could i do it? would it be cheap enough? should i wake my parents up? all these thoughts running through my mind, but one spoke louder than the doubts -- why not?

so now, its 6:37 am, as i sit in the sacramento airport waiting for my flight to start to board. in my usual fashion, i almost boarded the plane for Phoenix instead of Las Vegas (Mark Lowrey, you got nothin on me!) i've been awake since 2:30 am, running on 3 hurried & excited hours of sleep, a medium sized java mach, and on pure adrenaline for going home. it'll be a long day, but it'll be an adventure! isn't that what life is all about?

as i sit here pondering, i am becoming more and more distracted by the happenings around me. a sweet little girl with her mother just walked by, and in her innocence of youth i hear her asking her mother questions, and listening in full confidence of her mother's ingenuity. she reminds me of happy times, where i was young, trusting, fully secure in the capable hands of my own parents. and in this instant, i stop and think about my Heavenly Father, the utmost and perfect parent i could ever have. and i am amazed, and also ashamed.

see, i see this trust of a little child as i sit here waiting to continue my already exciting adventure, and im realizing the subtle touch of the Father's hand on my heart, using this very moment to teach me more about Himself and the journey of life I am on. see, i have been waiting anxiously for months to hear back from grad school. i am in this proverbial "purgatory," waiting, waiting, waiting for whatever is going to happen next, and it's not looking promising. in january, i had my life all mapped out, even to the exact dates of when and where. and now, as time starts to crunch closer and closer, i'm fighting bosses, deadlines, questions, needs, bills and jobs just to simply stay afloat. this isn't quite the adventure i was expecting.

but life's adventures aren't always planned, don't always look good on paper, often don't follow the easiest route. especially on God's map. its often scattered-- missing pieces of the puzzles -- jumping in leaps of faith and to unexpected territories, and often, it's only the promise of all truth revealed in Heaven will we finally see & fill in the missing pieces. i have come so far in my 22 years of life (shoot, i'm 22! ahh! i feel so old!) -- "o ye of little faith!" He has done so much for me in my adventure already -- will He not moreso cover me in my times of unknown? seeing the little girl have so much security in her mother's loving hands...how much more do i have knowing that the Creator of the Universe is watching out for me?

sometimes, i get lost in my own sea of doubt. i allow the crushing blows of the world to drown out my tiny seed of faith. but, right now, in this moment, i'm reminded of the loving hand of my Creator, and well, i'm taking a deep breath, and im ready to plunge into this adventure set before me. even if grad school is a bust, i'm still in for a mighty good ride. even if i don't know what i'm going to do in a few weeks or, oh dear, a year, i know that wherever God takes me, it's going to be a fun ride.

"it is well with my soul."

missing out. missing the point. missing YOU.

facebook = suckbook.
[let's just be honest.]

now, im not dissin the good attributes of facebook...like the fact that its one of my major sources of communication, thanks to living in a magical forest with no cell phone service (and i like it that way!), and i can use it to get in touch with super cool par-tay people who live in places like...greece, australia, arizonia, north carolina, oh wait -- ohio...places like that. facebook is great to also see quick snapshots of people's lives and who they are becoming today. but wait, that's not always a good thing. nor is it always a good thing to my heart.

lately i have been really feeling lost. like i don't really belong in the world that i live in now...the one where i am done with college, i'm in the real world, i'm on my own, i'm paying bills, i'm 2500 miles from all i've ever known...and i'm doing this alone. not spiritually, but physically, yeah, i'm on my own. and i'm seeing via facebook over and over the life i would be living if i was back in school...if i was home with my family...if i was living in indiana or ohio...that sort of thing. seems strange though -- here i live in one of the most epic places in the USA, where people DREAM of being but never are...and yet i'm still unsatisfied. my heart is is discord over the fact that "i'm missing out on something better"...or is it?

back to suckbook...errr, facebook. looking at those photos of good friends, old school chums, family members, and strange random people i don't even know how i'm friends with...i also see much that does not resonate well within my soul. everytime i hop on facebook, i see something that really ticks me off. perhaps its someone posting drunken photos. or its someone claiming to be a Christian but is supporting atheistic beliefs and rituals. or heck, maybe its someone who is chosing to live a life outside of the that they were raised to live. this sounds so judgmental, and i'm sorry, but i'm sayin it anyways. it really ticks me off that these people, who i knew and grew up with, or call myself friends with, are heavily distoring the image of Christianity and who we are to be in Christ. am i just being too cynical, or is someone missing the point here? in my head i'm thinking, "don't call yourself a Christian if you're gonna screw over the name of Christ, and screw up any witness the rest of us might have!" but in my heart i'm hearing, "you're a sinner, Child. why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye when you have a log in your own?" if i'm going to be ticked off at this, and get angry and judge...its time that i start with myself. i've been missing that point so often lately.

i'm allowing facebook to overtake the true reality of what's really going on with people's lives. i'm only seeing glimpses, snapshots, but i'm not really getting the full picture. granted, stupid people put stupid pictures up on facebook (hello, if you're dumb enough to post stupid photos of yourself on public network, then don't get upset when you get busted for it! E.O.S. [end of story.] ) but for real, i'm only getting a small idea of whats going on in their lives and in a single moment, without truly understanding their hearts. i'm so tired of living in a "facebook" mindset -- where i'm constantly looking back at moments, or where i'm only seeing the small picture -- just a smidge of what's really happening. this is how i've been seeing God lately. i seem to only look at the small picture -- the moment glance, without taking the time to look beyond the small into the vast known of the Creator. or worse, i am looking back to the God of my past and am setting standards on Him based off of memories, past blessings, and past knowledge. i think the reason why i've been feeling so lost lately is because i am not simply missing out on life, but i'm missing out on the LIFE-GIVER! such a simple concept...yet it hit me like a ton of bricks last night. hello, christa! could it be any more obvious?

so, good-bye, facebook living. hello, life-living. forget looking at past moments of glory (or in so many of my cases, past moments of shame), i'm looking towards what's to come. i live in one of the most incredible places on earth -- its time i truly embrace it for what its worth. i'm living my story, not someone else's, or dreaming of someone else's life. nahhh. that's overrated. better yet, i'm leaning whole-heartedly on the God who is revealed to me daily. He's never-changing, and yet there's something each day that i realize or learn about Him, and its enough to keep me going...and never looking back. goodbye, missing out. hello, living YOU.

.something.more.

be honest with me. can we make a difference?

walking the streets of san fran last night, i couldn't help but notice the increasing void that stretched between the lights in the townhouses high above the city streets, and the amount of people sleeping on the concrete steps, in door frames, and in the city park. am i wrong in thinking that this is something that demands a change? not only that, but the fact that we as Christians are called to take care of the poor and needy -- but are we truly doing it in a way that shows Christ's love? i wrestled in my mind with the idea of doing street ministry as i drove two other girls and myself to the church. most street preaching is simply thrusting the Word of God onto them in a "repent now!" action, or in the mode of "one and done." but why can't we develop relationships, and instead of shoving God in a "die, sinner!" attitude we could make Him real by out actions. repeated actions.

i met a guy named Derek last night. Derek radically rocked my world. as i was searching through my pack trying to find a pair of socks, i hear this "hey, are you giving free stuff? you got a coat in there?" i look over and see this silhouette of a man, fine featured and slightly metro. i gave him the coat off my back. in turn, he looks me up and down and pulls out a Jones New York two-piece suit that probbly cost more than what i was wearing combined...and gives it to me. this man who has nothing is not only accepting of me, but is giving back to me more than i gave him. it felt wrong. and yet, it touched my heart. the rest of the night i spent with him, talking, praying, and wondering. his story? not too sure. he has a degree, has been all over, is super-smart, talented to the tee, and yet he is walking around with a backpack of clothes and two shopping bags of random items. within five minutes of contact i realized that there is something crazy good, and something incredibly sad about him. i don't want to dilute his need for Christ -- on the contrary, he taught me more about God in his simple, easy going attitude. he has chosen the streets, though i am uncertain why. he has chosen to live the life of a nomad because he cannot committ...or does not want to settle. my heart aches as i think of him tonight. just one meeting, and my life is forever altered by him. but i wonder -- am i just another "Christian" that is stooping down from comfort & wealth to do a good deed, or will he remember me a few years from now and think, "that girl was different." is my impact ever going to be more than just a meeting?

meet muhammad. he's buddist. he also thinks he is beating the system by living in poverty and living off of food stamps while sneaking into college courses to "get a degree." he claims that the powers over him are limiting his rights and his abilities, so though he chose to be mess-up and get arrested, he is not going to succomb to the system that is "keeping him poor." but, his logic is faulty. he's choosing to stay in his position, relying on the government to keep him going, but he is at rock bottom. he's not winning -- he's losing because he's dependant on the government, on godly people who give him free things, and on doing drugs. all of this because he "wants to show the government he's not giving in." some life, huh? his something more is really living less.

i want to make a difference. i see hurts like derek's, hear stubborn ideas like muhammad's, and see hundreds of cries for help as i walked back to my warm vehicle. is there something more that i can be doing, or is this enough? or is this all?

but life is not all about the sad hurts. there's joy in simply living life. looking out above the hills, the ocean, and the moorland today as i flew down the hill at 60 mph on james' motorcycle, my heart could not help but sing praises to the One that this is all created for. the scenery was stunning, the bike was fast, and the company was good. my heart was screaming for "more, more!" but sometimes, its all so big, i can't take it in. beauty, in the midst of pain. i thank the Lord for the moments when my heart is about to bust because its longing for the "something more" that it will only truly grasp in heaven. i cherish the thought that one day, there will be more than this life, and that what i do here on earth will not be in vain. i pray the seed was planted in derek's heart, as his is in mine; sprouting, growing, reviving.

my quest.

"in times of trouble, may the LORD answer your cry. May the name of the God of Jacob keep you safe from all harm." --ps. 20:1

that is not only a true statement, but a promise. dude, i serve, love, and know a king. not just some dude, but the KING of all things, seen and unseen. He's not only just, knowing, strong and creative, but His very nature demands a never-ending love for His children. yeah, that's my Dad!

i was made for this moment. each day i intently desire to acknowledge Christ's authority on the throne, His creative and giving nature, and praise Him for the fact that HE IS. yesterday and today i have been totally rocked, humbled, and amazed at this very fact. i have three vivid instances in the past 24 hours that will forever be engraved into my heart. the Word clearly says "meditate on My teachings" and i am hekka gonna do it!

epic # 1.
four girls. driving on a winding road towards town. start smelling engine, check gauges light pops on, and internal temperate skyrockets to "warning" red. pull over to the side of the road, pop hood, check levels. four girls sticking their hands outside the car or standing on the side of the road (or crossing and almost getting hit!) with their cell phones trying to get reception. twenty cars go by. no cell reception. two very loud, "God! This is bad, we need your help, and we need it now!" and another 5 cars pass. then, the very man that was prayed for in the groanings of the heart shows up. not only shows up, but fixes car, offers to follow into town, and proceeds to give numbers of who to call and what to do. and then drives into the sunset on his white steed...also known as his Chevy truck.
dude. God provides. Ps.20:1. i started to cry, because the Lord heard me.

epic # 2.
"want to go biking at Point Raise?" umm, heck yes i do! sunny, warm, and breezy = perfection. well, never did make it there. take a trip into town for bikes and of course, Mitchell's fave, In&Out (eww!), start heading to Point Raise only to get stopped halfway there because apparantly a bad accident involving, of all things, a milk truck flipping over (cali cows are not happy today!) was overtaking the roads. so we turned around and hit up a legit place where massive stones for climbing, viewing and photographing were. unfortunately, we ignored the fence there...and the owners weren't too happy. they explicitly told us. oops. but we hit up a couple of seaside towns, in search of coffee (fail.) but ended up going off the traveled road to this mystical, surreal old grove reserve. kinda sketchy when i found this ritualistic fairy circle, complete with animal skulls, talismen and shelter...but God's beauty & simply His name overshadow any fear.
best part of the day -- simply talking straight up about sins, depravity, and passion with mitchell & luke. im excited for Mitchell's ministry aspirations as he is being called to raise up a generation of men to be warriors, fighters, and MEN for this King we serve named Christ.

epic # 3.
star studded sky. crashing tidal waves. uninhabited cove. mass rocks. sandy beach. blazing fire. roaring sound. intense conversation. gummy fish. joyful laughter. stillness. desires made known. passions rekindled. awkward moments. new memories made. incoming tide. star tripping. falling down in the ocean. wet pants from laughing so hard. good kind of tired.
this night reminded me of how God reveals Himself. to me, i see Him as simply lavishing me with His love. i stood on a rock tonight with the waves crashing around and on it, looking out into the ocean with only the stars lighting my view, and hearing the roar and the pounding of the surf, it was as my entire being was crying out to its Creator, as if it finally was realizing what and who it was made for. i could not, not sing. my heart simply was in awe of the One who made that moment. and i still get tears in my eyes for being allowed to experience it. not only that, but i realized tonight that these people are going to be the ones that forever shape my life, as i in the past month have grown and experienced more than i have in my entire life. its a never-ending desire to know more, experience more, seek more, and find more. through their lives, their example, and their words, i am finding out my quest. i am so thankful to be here. we chatted tonight about "if you could be anywhere, where would you want to be right now, and what would you be doing?" and i? well, i had no words, because my soul, every fiber of my being, was simply praising the Lord for bringing me HERE, and bringing me into the place where I KNOW i am to be.

"let all that i am, praise the LORD; with my whole heart, i will praise His holy name." ps. 103:1

love is an ocean wide

sometimes i just simply forget. i allow the busyness of my day, the distractions in my mind, the problems in my path to get in the way of what truly matters. even in these enchanted woods, my mind forgets to constantly turn my eyes towards the heavens and thank the Creator for these majestic creatures of beauty and timeless stories. may the heavens always sing their song of praise, because my words, my thoughts, and my actions fall short.

im in a reminicse-y sort of mood. heck, when am i not? sometimes it's easier to live in the past than it is to face the present. so often i find my heart wandering to better times and easier days and longer nights. tonight, i felt my heart suddenly overwhelmed with a longing and a pull to be home. i don't mean ohio. i mean in the Crazy Mountains, in the Boulder Valley, in the rickety old cabins of Clydehurst. maybe not even at the place...but i was truly missing what made that place my home -- the people who surrounded me. so, if you're from camp, and you're reading this, know that, though my body is miles away from you, my heart is nearby, for where you are, therealso is my heart and my love. even in the midst of other Christian communities (which, can i just say, i am truly blessed to be able to live, once again, in a community full of mature, seeking Christians? wow. wow. oh wow.) i still long for the one that i was a part of this past summer.

do you know the story behind me going back to Clydehurst for another summer? its truly testimony of God knowing all things and working them accordingly to our best. i was wrestling over what i should do for the summer. do i get an internship & stay at home (with a boy playing into that idea) or should i go back to camp, after what was truly a trying experience the previous summer? i was torn. i knew i needed to get this internship in, but ccr is truly a place like no other. you don't fully understand, even in the most descriptive words and detailed stories, until you experience it for yourself. well, i decided to dedicate my spring break, one spent on a deserted island in the middle of the gulf of Florida, to praying and seeking God's will for this. like most mornings on that island, i woke up early, due to crashing waves, blowing winds, and cold chills. but that morning, was different. i woke up, wide awake, and clear as day, i heard the Lord speak to me. one word. "camp." that was it. that's all He said. me, having the big, opinionted mouth that i do, said, "are you serious, Lord?! after what happened the the last time?" and He again said, "camp." i'm not much of a doubter when it comes to the Lord speaking plainly, but i figured He should know straight up how uncertain i was with this idea. but He said, "trust me."

"trust me." sounds so simple. such an easy concept to picture, but putting it into action? a whole different story. but looking back, i cannot imagine life if i had not been to camp. i would not have met some of the most incredible people i will ever encounter if i had let fear have its hold. i would not have experienced Christian community like the bride of Christ if i had allowed past experiences to drive me away. i would have never seen beautiful, amazing children like Maggie, the Cutler twins, and Bob come to Christ if i had let resentment keep me back like a prisoner. this whole trust issue is hard, especially in times when friends, friends of friends, high school classmates, and family members are dying in tragic ways for uncalled for reasons. trust is tough when you're not certain the God of love loves everyone the same. remember when i mentioned i often forget? its times like this that i forget to remember, to look back, to meditate on the blessings God has come through on, time and time again, and the unexplainable ways that He continues to work, renew, fix, and bless me...every day. i don't want to forget. sometimes i let doubt cloud my vision. im trying, truly i am, to remember. daily. moment by moment. to remember the God who is. God is, and all is well.

feeling the flames.

"for everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. a time to be born and a time to die. a time to plant and a time to harvest. a time to kill and a time to heal. a time to tear down and a time to build up. a time to cry and a time to laugh. a time to grieve and a time to dance. a time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. a time to embrace and a time to turn away. a time to search and a time to quit searching. a time to keep and a time to throw away. a time to tear and a time to mend. a time to be quiet and a time to speak. a time to love and a time to hate. a time for war and a time for peace. what do people really get for all their hard work? i have seen the burden God has placed on us all. yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end." ecc. 3:1-11



refining fires hurt. especially when Satan's also shooting flaming arrows of doubt, anger, and anguish, piercing my heart and making it hard to breathe. i so desperately want to glorify God in my angst and my sadness, but all i can do is simply plead that the Holy Spirit will intercede, for the groanings of my heart are all that i can offer to the Lord.

this past weekend, i found out a dear, sweet girl from my high school class passed away because of a rare blood disease. she was 22. she was married. and now, she is simply a memory. is this how it will be from now to eternity? that we are simply a whispering wind, to be forgotten by the daily toil of the earth's day-to-day tasks? to have life so fleeting & so seemingly insignificant? and yet, we are the pride & joy of our Creator. why does it seem so oxymoronic?

fast forward to today. i found out my dear, sweet, little brother Nils is grieving the loss of his 25-year-old brother, who died tragically after falling off a cliff while hiking the mountains of O'Ahu. does this seem right? NO! "a time for every season under heaven..." he was apart of Teach for America. he challenged students to be better than the low standard that society had labeled his students with. he was loved by his community and his school. his season ended far too early.

we lose a staff person today. not because of wrong actions or neglect, but because he physically is unable to perform at a level necessary for the job. this is not due to being obese or out of shape -- something he could control. no. its far more simple than that. he is unable to meet "our level of standards" because he had a brain tumor at age 8, causing him to function slightly slower physically than the rest of us. he may not have the best balance or the fastest hands, but he is brilliant -- in his jokes, in his understanding of life, and in his ability to teach. i feel like i am losing a part of me, as i cherish this friend who, in his short time being here, has given me the most laughs, taught me how to love life, and has given me more insight to teaching than i was ever expecting. i am so grateful for wade...and utterly devastated in his leaving.

life isn't fair. we hear that all the time. "tough luck." "that's too bad." "life's not fair." we've all gotten it before. but tell that to the mother who has lost her son. tell that to the husband who is grieving over the loss of his better half. tell that to the man who was left crippled by a childhood disease, and because of that, his dream has been crushed. i stood out in the middle of the parking lot, crying out in anguish because, if there was ever a case for "life's not fair," THIS IS IT! and i don't get it still.

talking with wade tonight, he is still at peace for this closing door. he said that "the Lord directs a man's path." and he is open to where God will take him next. he said his impact has been made, and now it is time to go and be a light, be a light to others. Nils, in the midst of such tragedy, is telling me not to worry, that he's surrounded by people who are supporting him, and that its going to be alright. he's pointing me to Psalms 57, where it says "i will hide beneath the shadow of your wings...my heart is confident in you, O God; my heart is confident. no wonder i can sing your praises...your unfailing love is as high as the heavens. Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds. be exalted, O God, above the heavens..." i'm hearing endless accounts of Missy, and the lives that she touched because throughout her entire life, she battled this disease with grace, strength, and love. she was a spokesperson for this rarity, and she stood her ground until she was called home. there is praise being spoken of all she had done.

there is hope in the midst of all of this pain. each person is feeding me beauty that they're finding among the ashes. each person is singing a song of praise admist the storms. and here i am, shaking like a leaf. i want to trust, to find peace, but my heart, which feels to the depths of emotion, is breaking against the stress. pray for me, brothers & sisters. i love these people dearly, and wish i could do something for them, and give back to them what they have given me...the desire to find hope. but i think that i would just be giving them lies. only time will tell.