i'm discovering that morality is not apart of the love story i should have for Christ.
morality, in the modern church sense.
when did morality become a 5 point checklist -- don't drink, don't have sex before marriage, be a good person, go to church, love God? Donald Miller's Searching for God Knows What really got to me. i'm realizing more and more that love should not be contingent on doing good or being good. love, this agape love, that Jesus demonstrates over and over, the most poignant demonstration when He bore all on the cross, for us, for me, is so far beyond that the love that i perceive myself giving back daily to Christ.
Morality is not the means to the end. its not the standard code that we should live by. granted, i'm not saying toss out the ten commandments or live a carefree life cause morality is not necessary. i'm saying that living a moral life should be a by-product of our love for Christ. if Christ was the inventor, the mastermind, and we were a factory, then we would, should be producing products like honesty, integrity, generosity, devotion, joy, faith, morality...these would stem from the inspiration we receive from Christ's example and then implement them in our life. am i the only one who completely missed this extraordinary concept? even if i am the lone stranger in this new walk with Christ, i am all the better for it, for i think, just maybe for a second, understand what this love thing is about.
miller's chapter on morality is astounding. just a few highlights: "Lately, however I have been thinking of morality in less conceptual terns, less as a system of rules and regulations and more as a concept very beautiful and alive...The reason I have been feeling this way is not because morality gives us boundaries or because it helps us live clean lives, though morality does these things, but rather becausem in some mysterious way, morality pleases God...It made me wonder, then, if the idea of morality is just another ramification of the Fall...Can you imagine being a bride in a wedding, walking down the aisle toward your bridegroom, and during the procession, checking out the other groomsmen, wondering when you could sneak off to sleep with one of them, not taking the marriage to your groom seriously? Paul became furious... it makes sense to think of this as Paul's protecting the beauty and grandeur of a union with Christ. In this way, immorality is terrible because it is cheating on the Creator, who loves us and offers Himself as a Bridegroom for the bride. When I said I was looking for a reason for morality, this is what I meant. The motive is love, love of God and of my fellow man... The hijacking of the concept of morality began, of course, when we reduced Scripture to formula and a love story to theology, and finally morality to rules. It is a very different thing to break a rule that it is to cheat on a lover...when I run a stop sign, I am breaking a law against against a system of rules, but if I cheat on my wife, I have borken a rule against a person. The first is impersonal; the latter is intensely personal...A moral message, a message of us versus them...is not the methodology, not the sort of communication that came out of the mouth of Jesus or the mouths of any of His followers...morality becomes the glue that...builds intimacy with Christ."
my morality has stemmed from a system of rules, a desire to be the best Christian possible, the promise that living good will "stand out"...but honestly, none of that works. i find myself easily caving in "moral" ways if that's all it is..."breaking a God-rule." but, honestly, its not about that -- it's about the relationship behind the actions...and that, that's what i have been missing out on.
the beauty of this concept is that i do not have to worry about "making it" in the lifeboat. i don't have to worry about ever making the cut or trying to fit into an "acceptable" mold...no, instead i can confidently and adamantly live a life out of a love stemming from a deep, intimate, and real relationship. anyone need a PFD? cause, i'm ready to ditch this line of thinking and my spot in the lifeboat...and instead, simply live and love.
freedom, at last.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
trading one ocean for another.
rippling. rolling. changing. majestic. multi-colored. as far as the eye can see.
and hundreds of miles away from the coast.
my new home is the American farmer's inland version of the ocean, and each time i am immersed in it, my heart skips a beat and work to catch a stolen breath.
Pullman, Washington. home of the Cougars, the National Lentil Festival, and the biggest beer revenue this side of the state. trading redwoods in for stalks of wheat. culture shock? let's just say it was lightning bolt level. was i ready for this?
life -- are we ever ready for it? we like to think so, but we don't really know.
my three lifesavers for my first weeks in Pullman. 1) my Bible. 2) My chacos. 3) my box of writing stuff.
Bible. oh, the grace of a Gracious Father. daily i run to Him with an empty cup, and He continues to fill and overflow, in ways i least expect. a welcoming roommate. a fun department to work in. voicemails from far friends. a car that still runs. i cannot praise Him enough. I feel like a rubberband, being stretched for the first time. I have been created for "such a time as this," and all of that preparation in Christian circles, schools, and family have readied me for this lost and empty town. When are we ever truly able to survive without the strength of Christ? My eyes are opening, as has been my prayer, and my heart is aching for the emptiness I see all over campus. I pray daily for just a chance -- just a fleeting opportunity -- that I may somehow share the love of Christ. His Word daily strengthens me.
Chacos. Going from 8 housemates to 1 is quite a shock. Its very easy for me to go from super-outgoing to super-loner...a role I felt myself slipping into in the first few weeks of being in Pullman. The ocean of people, new school atmosphere, and foreign lands threatened to drown me, and it was easier simply to stay in the comfort of my apartment. But there sat my chacos, accusing me of settling, and begging to be taken down new paths. They reminded me of adventures past and victories won; of good times and hard lessons learned; of fears overcome and of hesitancy's resisted. They screamed "LET'S GO!" And it was their battle cry that lured me away from the comfort of my pillows and put me behind the wheel, pounding the pavement, climbing new heights. Thank you, old and weary Chacos. You remind me of the girl inside who simply needs to be set free from her own prisons...
Box 'O Writing Stuff. Thousands of miles erased simply with a pen and piece of stationary. Memories stir in my mind as ink hits recycled tree. Distances are closed and hearts are opened with the simple act of writing a letter. This tangible, therapeutic act of old helped keep me sane through those first few weeks. When I had no friends, snail mail kept me connected to the ones I did have. Thinking of them took my mind off of pitying myself. Connecting across the map via ink and paper (and sometimes wax) reminds me of how the love of Christ is designed to be a communal one -- both with Him and with His bride. Oh, how I love to write letters, because in a way, I feel like Paul -- encouraging and keeping the church alive with words of the Lord. Though I do not profess to be anyway profound, I like to think that when my letters are read, people can hear my Ohioan-Californian-Montanian-Washingtonian accent and chuckle a bit, and truly see my heart for what its worth. It may be a dying art, but I'm pretty sure I've done my part to keep the Post Office in business.
So, this ocean-like scenery of fields upon golden fields that once threatened to choke me with dullness, now takes my breath away as I walk to school each day. I slammed on my brakes last night driving home because I was shocked to come face to face with an orange slice of harvest moon that zapped me to my core. This new world is fresh and waiting for me to reap its bounty of people, scenery, and adventures. No, it's not my California coastline...but this scene is still worth diving into.
ps. I bought another pair of Chacos today... a promise of new adventures ahead :)
Monday, July 12, 2010
drifting, but still putting down roots.
"When you find yourself comfortable, happy, and complacent, be ready. You have learned all you are meant to know, and you are ripe for the harvest. Relish in those last few moments, for soon you will find yourself uprooted and spreading your wings for new beginnings and lessons to be learned."
T - 5 days and counting until i am torn from the roots that i have so diligently tried to deepen here in the beautiful redwoods of nor-cal. oh, how this forest has challenged me, changed me, and even sometimes chastised me. let me just talk about redwoods for a sec. redwood trees are the superheroes of the forests -- the tallest, strongest, and most majestic. yet, these guys are lacking something that most trees have -- a tap root. a tap root is often what keeps a tree from falling over, because it is the one that grows the deepest into the earth and acts as a stake for the rest of the roots. the redwood, well, it makes due with its family members, intertwining root systems with neighboring trees (often their own offspring resting nearby). i have tried to make my own tap root, relying on my own abilities, strengths, and gifts, but time and time again the Lord has reminded me that i am not able to be my own tap root in this life. so, instead, like the redwoods, He has placed me within a wonderful group of people in who i am intertwined, with whom i am making memories, bringing healing to broken hearts, and overcoming hardships. but, these past few weeks as the date has loomed closer, i have found my heart stirring...becoming restless for the unknown, though i have so valiantly fought to keep my heart from wandering and my thoughts only on the here and now. the majority of my being begs to stay -- to keep the life i have built...to stay where it is familiar, welcome, and Godly. but there is this tiny seedling of wonder...and wander...as i face reality and this chance i fought so hard to have. i always thought i was meant to wander, to be a drifter all of my life... but with each step further from the known & steadfast, i am finding my heart is wavering, and uncertainty has crept in...
then there's this tree called the madrone. the madrone tree is probably one of the coolest trees i have ever seen. it is this beautiful, vibrant shade of green, with big, flat, rounded leaves and smooth bark that ranges from greenish yellow to copper brown. the bark is truly amazing -- it peels off to reveal a smooth surface that is surprisingly cool to the touch. nicknamed "the refrigerator tree", the tree retains water in between its bark and heartwood, in layers know as the xylem and phloem, rejuvenating the tree when it is in a drought, and is keeping the colors bright and full of life. the coolest thing about a madrone tree is that it is a phototrophic tree. phototrophic essentially means "sun-loving." it is mad about sun. you can walk through our woods and see evidence of a love for the sun, as there are madrone trees that are bent over one way, straightened, twisted, curved, wrapped around other trees, and sometimes, fallen, in order to catch just a bit more of the rays that it so longs to have.
as i sit with my face lifted towards the sun, i am reminded how this is to be the essence of my thoughts, words, and entire being: the Son is to be my one love, my tap root, my prize, and i am to be running towards Him with all that i have...and if that means twisting, curving, falling over, and growing in the most awkward of places, then so be it. like the madrone, i want to be so in love that i will do anything, go anywhere, and face the fear of "failure" in order to know Him more. like the redwoods, the Lord promises to keep me going, encouraged and knit together with a community that will keep me from falling, and will endure the hardships, good times, and questioning periods alongside me.
i'm trusting in His promises. and finally, His goodness. so therefore, i am ready to go, ready to grow, ready to be rooted into a new place, a new life, and a new mission.
"When i think of all this, i fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and hearth. i pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you with inner strength through His spirit. Then Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust Him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes to God. Now all glory to God, who i sable, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to Him int he church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! AMEN!" -- Ephesians 4:14-21
goodbye, california. till we meet again...
T - 5 days and counting until i am torn from the roots that i have so diligently tried to deepen here in the beautiful redwoods of nor-cal. oh, how this forest has challenged me, changed me, and even sometimes chastised me. let me just talk about redwoods for a sec. redwood trees are the superheroes of the forests -- the tallest, strongest, and most majestic. yet, these guys are lacking something that most trees have -- a tap root. a tap root is often what keeps a tree from falling over, because it is the one that grows the deepest into the earth and acts as a stake for the rest of the roots. the redwood, well, it makes due with its family members, intertwining root systems with neighboring trees (often their own offspring resting nearby). i have tried to make my own tap root, relying on my own abilities, strengths, and gifts, but time and time again the Lord has reminded me that i am not able to be my own tap root in this life. so, instead, like the redwoods, He has placed me within a wonderful group of people in who i am intertwined, with whom i am making memories, bringing healing to broken hearts, and overcoming hardships. but, these past few weeks as the date has loomed closer, i have found my heart stirring...becoming restless for the unknown, though i have so valiantly fought to keep my heart from wandering and my thoughts only on the here and now. the majority of my being begs to stay -- to keep the life i have built...to stay where it is familiar, welcome, and Godly. but there is this tiny seedling of wonder...and wander...as i face reality and this chance i fought so hard to have. i always thought i was meant to wander, to be a drifter all of my life... but with each step further from the known & steadfast, i am finding my heart is wavering, and uncertainty has crept in...
then there's this tree called the madrone. the madrone tree is probably one of the coolest trees i have ever seen. it is this beautiful, vibrant shade of green, with big, flat, rounded leaves and smooth bark that ranges from greenish yellow to copper brown. the bark is truly amazing -- it peels off to reveal a smooth surface that is surprisingly cool to the touch. nicknamed "the refrigerator tree", the tree retains water in between its bark and heartwood, in layers know as the xylem and phloem, rejuvenating the tree when it is in a drought, and is keeping the colors bright and full of life. the coolest thing about a madrone tree is that it is a phototrophic tree. phototrophic essentially means "sun-loving." it is mad about sun. you can walk through our woods and see evidence of a love for the sun, as there are madrone trees that are bent over one way, straightened, twisted, curved, wrapped around other trees, and sometimes, fallen, in order to catch just a bit more of the rays that it so longs to have.
as i sit with my face lifted towards the sun, i am reminded how this is to be the essence of my thoughts, words, and entire being: the Son is to be my one love, my tap root, my prize, and i am to be running towards Him with all that i have...and if that means twisting, curving, falling over, and growing in the most awkward of places, then so be it. like the madrone, i want to be so in love that i will do anything, go anywhere, and face the fear of "failure" in order to know Him more. like the redwoods, the Lord promises to keep me going, encouraged and knit together with a community that will keep me from falling, and will endure the hardships, good times, and questioning periods alongside me.
i'm trusting in His promises. and finally, His goodness. so therefore, i am ready to go, ready to grow, ready to be rooted into a new place, a new life, and a new mission.
"When i think of all this, i fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and hearth. i pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you with inner strength through His spirit. Then Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust Him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes to God. Now all glory to God, who i sable, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to Him int he church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! AMEN!" -- Ephesians 4:14-21
goodbye, california. till we meet again...
Saturday, May 1, 2010
walk this way.
11:01 PM.
all is not well.
my soul is restless, wavering, parched. my mind is churning, faltering, clouded and uncertain. my body is weary, laden, and sore.
"i am losing all hope, i am petrified with fear -- i remember the days of old" cries David, as his very being is slowly wasting away in agony, despair, and repentance.
does this remind you of your dreaded days, past problems, or present pains? i know my wounds are freshly opened. and it's only the beginning of the week.
i've been muling over the idea of going deeper these past couple weeks -- chewing, thinking, pondering on what that actually means, what that actually entails, what it actually will take to physically go beyond where i am now. and to be honest, i've been fighting it. in fact, i've come to realize, i've been fighting this all my life. The Lord does come in the still, small voice...but lately He's been using a bullhorn, whirlwinds & painful stabs to my soul to get my attention.
mmnk God, you've got it. now what do you want?
stop making excuses.
umm, easier said than done. literally. see, webster defines "excuse" both as a verb and a noun. the act of making an excuse is "to offer an apology for; seek to remove the blame of" -- meaning that an excuse is used to weasel our way out of owning up to something. how often do i try to shift the root of the matter onto some other person or another circumstance? why is it so easy for me to pretend like i didn't do it? cause i don't like having the Sonlight shined straight onto my filthy, black motives. but it's so much more than just shifting the blame. webbie also defines "excuse" as a noun, going as far to say it's "an inferior or adequate specimen of something specified." whoa. now i'm not only a coward, but my excuses don't even measure up...they're so incredibly lame that they're not even worth considering... and yet God still listens. patiently.
some excuses i've been using of late are: i don't have time. lamesauce. i have time to suckbook (err, facebook), read the latest Bones book, shop, talk, run, eat, work & adventurize...but i don't even have time to say "hello" to my Creator? another winner: i like my own deal too much. God has instilled inside me some mega-crazy dreams...i seriously wish i could have a new job every year so i could do everything i desire to do (like be a chef, a personal trainer, discovery channel photographer, deep sea diver, NOLS employee, wedding coordinator, professional gardener [which would be totally oxymoronic cause i have a black thumb] & fashion designer)...and because i simply enjoy doing each of these things...i don't want to have to delegate time away from them for something else...like living a life for the Lord & the Lord alone. i'm too busy being lord myself. oops. and here's the final one...and probably the most messed-up but also the deepest one of all: i'm scared to let go. see, its been easy to live by the rules i've used all my life...and to live by the standards set by others...or sadly, the pains, fears, and hurts that have held me captive all my days. i wrote about this to a friend recently, saying that "it's sometimes easier to let go of the things that i love to do and desire, than it is to face those fears that have held me captive for so long. its more difficult to give up those wounds because they are the standard that i have lived all my life by..."
told you it was messed up.
"the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy -- but I have come to give you life more abundant!" John 10:10
ahh. a cool, refreshing breeze just stirred in my soul. do you get the power of those simple words? if you do, please tell me, cause i'm only just beginning to realize them.
"life more abundant" ...ahh! what does that even mean?! i can live my whole life, my whole eternity, and still not even scratch the surface of who God is, His depth of love for me, or the blessings He has in store for me.
but uh...why do i keep holding back?
i've been asking myself that a lot lately. and the Lord has been pointing it out to me over and over in His love letter to me. Luke 14 speaks directly on this issue: " A man prepared a great feast and sent out many invitations. When the banquet was ready, He sent his servant to tell the guests...but they all began to make excuses...[and the] master was furious." (14:16-17, 21) or how about, "If someone claims, 'I know God' but doesn't obey God's commandments, that person is a liar and is not living in the truth." 1 John 2:4
yep. guilty as charged.
i feel overwhelmed at this. yet the very fiber of my being is crying out for what is lacking...the spaces in my every molecule are missing the Spirit that fills them...the Spirit that is already in me, but is lying dormant until i give the "ok" for it to radically alter my world. i have been an "adulterous bride of Christ," filling those empty cavities with sweet distractions, distasteful affections, and poor substitutes.
i'm about to move to WA, to live with a roommate who doesn't believe. will she be radically affected by the God who i live for...or will she see me as just another human being doing "my own thing." i don't want to be just another Christian, dangit! is it just me, or do you notice that we Christians have this radar tuned into other believers? enter beverly, the homeless lady i just met tonight. as i did what i could for her, she said she didn't even have to ask...she already knew i was a Christian. my real question is though -- do non-believers sense that same wavelength...or are they on a completely different spectrum? i want my light to break through both, so that other Christians will be strengthened, and non-believers will be pierced with the Sonlight.
my dear, sweet roommate Jennifer hit the target today in my life. she challenged us with the concept of "walking," as Paul & the NT over and over spotlights the idea of "walk" and "moving forward." she defined walking as "to advance or travel on foot at a moderate speed or pace." sometimes i forget that this is not a breakneck-speed sprint...this life is a death-depending marathon, and all it takes is one foot in front of the other...step by step towards the Father...eyes never faltering.
12:02 PM.
what do i have to lose?
ok Lord. you're more than enough...so i'm ready, set, diving in...
all is not well.
my soul is restless, wavering, parched. my mind is churning, faltering, clouded and uncertain. my body is weary, laden, and sore.
"i am losing all hope, i am petrified with fear -- i remember the days of old" cries David, as his very being is slowly wasting away in agony, despair, and repentance.
does this remind you of your dreaded days, past problems, or present pains? i know my wounds are freshly opened. and it's only the beginning of the week.
i've been muling over the idea of going deeper these past couple weeks -- chewing, thinking, pondering on what that actually means, what that actually entails, what it actually will take to physically go beyond where i am now. and to be honest, i've been fighting it. in fact, i've come to realize, i've been fighting this all my life. The Lord does come in the still, small voice...but lately He's been using a bullhorn, whirlwinds & painful stabs to my soul to get my attention.
mmnk God, you've got it. now what do you want?
stop making excuses.
umm, easier said than done. literally. see, webster defines "excuse" both as a verb and a noun. the act of making an excuse is "to offer an apology for; seek to remove the blame of" -- meaning that an excuse is used to weasel our way out of owning up to something. how often do i try to shift the root of the matter onto some other person or another circumstance? why is it so easy for me to pretend like i didn't do it? cause i don't like having the Sonlight shined straight onto my filthy, black motives. but it's so much more than just shifting the blame. webbie also defines "excuse" as a noun, going as far to say it's "an inferior or adequate specimen of something specified." whoa. now i'm not only a coward, but my excuses don't even measure up...they're so incredibly lame that they're not even worth considering... and yet God still listens. patiently.
some excuses i've been using of late are: i don't have time. lamesauce. i have time to suckbook (err, facebook), read the latest Bones book, shop, talk, run, eat, work & adventurize...but i don't even have time to say "hello" to my Creator? another winner: i like my own deal too much. God has instilled inside me some mega-crazy dreams...i seriously wish i could have a new job every year so i could do everything i desire to do (like be a chef, a personal trainer, discovery channel photographer, deep sea diver, NOLS employee, wedding coordinator, professional gardener [which would be totally oxymoronic cause i have a black thumb] & fashion designer)...and because i simply enjoy doing each of these things...i don't want to have to delegate time away from them for something else...like living a life for the Lord & the Lord alone. i'm too busy being lord myself. oops. and here's the final one...and probably the most messed-up but also the deepest one of all: i'm scared to let go. see, its been easy to live by the rules i've used all my life...and to live by the standards set by others...or sadly, the pains, fears, and hurts that have held me captive all my days. i wrote about this to a friend recently, saying that "it's sometimes easier to let go of the things that i love to do and desire, than it is to face those fears that have held me captive for so long. its more difficult to give up those wounds because they are the standard that i have lived all my life by..."
told you it was messed up.
"the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy -- but I have come to give you life more abundant!" John 10:10
ahh. a cool, refreshing breeze just stirred in my soul. do you get the power of those simple words? if you do, please tell me, cause i'm only just beginning to realize them.
"life more abundant" ...ahh! what does that even mean?! i can live my whole life, my whole eternity, and still not even scratch the surface of who God is, His depth of love for me, or the blessings He has in store for me.
but uh...why do i keep holding back?
i've been asking myself that a lot lately. and the Lord has been pointing it out to me over and over in His love letter to me. Luke 14 speaks directly on this issue: " A man prepared a great feast and sent out many invitations. When the banquet was ready, He sent his servant to tell the guests...but they all began to make excuses...[and the] master was furious." (14:16-17, 21) or how about, "If someone claims, 'I know God' but doesn't obey God's commandments, that person is a liar and is not living in the truth." 1 John 2:4
yep. guilty as charged.
i feel overwhelmed at this. yet the very fiber of my being is crying out for what is lacking...the spaces in my every molecule are missing the Spirit that fills them...the Spirit that is already in me, but is lying dormant until i give the "ok" for it to radically alter my world. i have been an "adulterous bride of Christ," filling those empty cavities with sweet distractions, distasteful affections, and poor substitutes.
i'm about to move to WA, to live with a roommate who doesn't believe. will she be radically affected by the God who i live for...or will she see me as just another human being doing "my own thing." i don't want to be just another Christian, dangit! is it just me, or do you notice that we Christians have this radar tuned into other believers? enter beverly, the homeless lady i just met tonight. as i did what i could for her, she said she didn't even have to ask...she already knew i was a Christian. my real question is though -- do non-believers sense that same wavelength...or are they on a completely different spectrum? i want my light to break through both, so that other Christians will be strengthened, and non-believers will be pierced with the Sonlight.
my dear, sweet roommate Jennifer hit the target today in my life. she challenged us with the concept of "walking," as Paul & the NT over and over spotlights the idea of "walk" and "moving forward." she defined walking as "to advance or travel on foot at a moderate speed or pace." sometimes i forget that this is not a breakneck-speed sprint...this life is a death-depending marathon, and all it takes is one foot in front of the other...step by step towards the Father...eyes never faltering.
12:02 PM.
what do i have to lose?
ok Lord. you're more than enough...so i'm ready, set, diving in...
Saturday, April 17, 2010
giving back blessings.
my world is about to become a little bigger.
the verdict is in. i'm going to washington state university, grad school extraordinaire.
can we say terrifying? amazing? humbling? i don't even know where to begin.
for you who don't exactly know the ramifications or the story behind this revelation, allow me to give you a quick recap. back in october, i applied for a graduate assistantship at WSU to head up the Experiential Education department there under their recreation center. i had no hopes of getting the job, but was utterly astonished when, just a few days before i graduated, i received a phone call stating i was a finalist for the position. a few weeks later, i receieved notice that i had been chosen for this job. i was floored, and literally fell to the ground (at Epcot Center in Disneyworld, no less. slightly embarassing, to say the least. hehe.) well, since then, there has been red tape after red tape stopping my every move and effort to get in. i could only accept the position on the terms that i would get into grad school. more problems -- the program i applied for was closed off for the year...no applications ANYWHERE. therefore, i had a decision to make -- apply for another program, one i don't want, or give up the position and my dream. i prayed, i felt peace, and i made the move to just try. this meant taking the GRE on 2 weeks notice, reapplying, sending new applications & recommendations...and basically giving all i could. then, it was in the Lord's hands. and well, He honored this effort with placing me in grad school. so, hello washington!
going to a new place means a whole new life, and now i am only beginning to see the full ramifications of this acceptance. that was the easy part -- now i am restarting my entire life, and i have only a few short weeks to do it in. but to be honest, now is not the time to think about all of this. nope. all that stress can wait. there's something i must do before i even think about washington. something that i messed up with california.
i love Oswald Chambers. the lovely Hope Hardaway started my journey with good old Ozzie this past summer, starting out mornings out at breakfast with a daily dose of his God-driven wisdom. so, i bought the book, and each day its been a kick in the pants because i literally see on the pages before my eyes God's direct words to my life. Oz wrote this simple passage about worship.
the verdict is in. i'm going to washington state university, grad school extraordinaire.
can we say terrifying? amazing? humbling? i don't even know where to begin.
for you who don't exactly know the ramifications or the story behind this revelation, allow me to give you a quick recap. back in october, i applied for a graduate assistantship at WSU to head up the Experiential Education department there under their recreation center. i had no hopes of getting the job, but was utterly astonished when, just a few days before i graduated, i received a phone call stating i was a finalist for the position. a few weeks later, i receieved notice that i had been chosen for this job. i was floored, and literally fell to the ground (at Epcot Center in Disneyworld, no less. slightly embarassing, to say the least. hehe.) well, since then, there has been red tape after red tape stopping my every move and effort to get in. i could only accept the position on the terms that i would get into grad school. more problems -- the program i applied for was closed off for the year...no applications ANYWHERE. therefore, i had a decision to make -- apply for another program, one i don't want, or give up the position and my dream. i prayed, i felt peace, and i made the move to just try. this meant taking the GRE on 2 weeks notice, reapplying, sending new applications & recommendations...and basically giving all i could. then, it was in the Lord's hands. and well, He honored this effort with placing me in grad school. so, hello washington!
going to a new place means a whole new life, and now i am only beginning to see the full ramifications of this acceptance. that was the easy part -- now i am restarting my entire life, and i have only a few short weeks to do it in. but to be honest, now is not the time to think about all of this. nope. all that stress can wait. there's something i must do before i even think about washington. something that i messed up with california.
i love Oswald Chambers. the lovely Hope Hardaway started my journey with good old Ozzie this past summer, starting out mornings out at breakfast with a daily dose of his God-driven wisdom. so, i bought the book, and each day its been a kick in the pants because i literally see on the pages before my eyes God's direct words to my life. Oz wrote this simple passage about worship.
"worship is giving God the best that He has given you. be careful what you do with the best you have. whenever you get a blessing from God, give it back to Him as a love-gift. take time to meditate before God and offer the blessing back to Him in a deliberate act of worship. if you hoard it for yourself, it will turn into spiritual dry rot, as the manna did when it was hoarded."
see, i've been about this blessing thing all wrong. i pray to God, expecting to see Him act for my "betterment," and when He does come through for me, i thank Him...and then embark on my adventure. but i've forgotten to give to Him what is due. this blessing given to me is not mine to keep, not mine to enjoy alone.
it's all His. and His alone. that's why we live this life, isn't it? or, at least, this is how we ought to live -- "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, your soul, and your mind." that means giving to Him every part of me...even the blessings He already has showered me with. that's why, before i dive into the crashing waves of uncertainty, excitement, and paperwork, i'm going to stop, and dedicate my blessing back to the Lord. i didn't do it with california, and now i am seeing the consequences of not being aware of what this blessing is. so its my time to give to the Lord what He's given to me. i want to honor Him with this blessing, you know? I don't want to do this Washington thing on my own, but rather, live this blessing guided by His loving hand.
"Listen! it's the voice of someone shouting, 'Clear the way through the wilderness for the LORD! Make a straight highway through the wasteland for our God! Fill in the valleys, and level thr mountains and hills. Straighten the curves and smooth out the rough places. Then the glory of the LORD will be revealed, and all people will see it together! The LORD has spoken!'" -- Isaiah 40:3-6
it's all His. and His alone. that's why we live this life, isn't it? or, at least, this is how we ought to live -- "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, your soul, and your mind." that means giving to Him every part of me...even the blessings He already has showered me with. that's why, before i dive into the crashing waves of uncertainty, excitement, and paperwork, i'm going to stop, and dedicate my blessing back to the Lord. i didn't do it with california, and now i am seeing the consequences of not being aware of what this blessing is. so its my time to give to the Lord what He's given to me. i want to honor Him with this blessing, you know? I don't want to do this Washington thing on my own, but rather, live this blessing guided by His loving hand.
"Listen! it's the voice of someone shouting, 'Clear the way through the wilderness for the LORD! Make a straight highway through the wasteland for our God! Fill in the valleys, and level thr mountains and hills. Straighten the curves and smooth out the rough places. Then the glory of the LORD will be revealed, and all people will see it together! The LORD has spoken!'" -- Isaiah 40:3-6
Thursday, April 1, 2010
let's be spontaneous, shall we?
one cryptic message. one bewildered question. one frantic computer task & late night phone call. one hour later, i'm booked on a flight to HOME.
yep. just one little change and my whole world is thrown into a frenzy. i found out at 8:30 pm wednesday night that i had the next week and a half off of work. could i do it? would it be cheap enough? should i wake my parents up? all these thoughts running through my mind, but one spoke louder than the doubts -- why not?
so now, its 6:37 am, as i sit in the sacramento airport waiting for my flight to start to board. in my usual fashion, i almost boarded the plane for Phoenix instead of Las Vegas (Mark Lowrey, you got nothin on me!) i've been awake since 2:30 am, running on 3 hurried & excited hours of sleep, a medium sized java mach, and on pure adrenaline for going home. it'll be a long day, but it'll be an adventure! isn't that what life is all about?
as i sit here pondering, i am becoming more and more distracted by the happenings around me. a sweet little girl with her mother just walked by, and in her innocence of youth i hear her asking her mother questions, and listening in full confidence of her mother's ingenuity. she reminds me of happy times, where i was young, trusting, fully secure in the capable hands of my own parents. and in this instant, i stop and think about my Heavenly Father, the utmost and perfect parent i could ever have. and i am amazed, and also ashamed.
see, i see this trust of a little child as i sit here waiting to continue my already exciting adventure, and im realizing the subtle touch of the Father's hand on my heart, using this very moment to teach me more about Himself and the journey of life I am on. see, i have been waiting anxiously for months to hear back from grad school. i am in this proverbial "purgatory," waiting, waiting, waiting for whatever is going to happen next, and it's not looking promising. in january, i had my life all mapped out, even to the exact dates of when and where. and now, as time starts to crunch closer and closer, i'm fighting bosses, deadlines, questions, needs, bills and jobs just to simply stay afloat. this isn't quite the adventure i was expecting.
but life's adventures aren't always planned, don't always look good on paper, often don't follow the easiest route. especially on God's map. its often scattered-- missing pieces of the puzzles -- jumping in leaps of faith and to unexpected territories, and often, it's only the promise of all truth revealed in Heaven will we finally see & fill in the missing pieces. i have come so far in my 22 years of life (shoot, i'm 22! ahh! i feel so old!) -- "o ye of little faith!" He has done so much for me in my adventure already -- will He not moreso cover me in my times of unknown? seeing the little girl have so much security in her mother's loving hands...how much more do i have knowing that the Creator of the Universe is watching out for me?
sometimes, i get lost in my own sea of doubt. i allow the crushing blows of the world to drown out my tiny seed of faith. but, right now, in this moment, i'm reminded of the loving hand of my Creator, and well, i'm taking a deep breath, and im ready to plunge into this adventure set before me. even if grad school is a bust, i'm still in for a mighty good ride. even if i don't know what i'm going to do in a few weeks or, oh dear, a year, i know that wherever God takes me, it's going to be a fun ride.
yep. just one little change and my whole world is thrown into a frenzy. i found out at 8:30 pm wednesday night that i had the next week and a half off of work. could i do it? would it be cheap enough? should i wake my parents up? all these thoughts running through my mind, but one spoke louder than the doubts -- why not?
so now, its 6:37 am, as i sit in the sacramento airport waiting for my flight to start to board. in my usual fashion, i almost boarded the plane for Phoenix instead of Las Vegas (Mark Lowrey, you got nothin on me!) i've been awake since 2:30 am, running on 3 hurried & excited hours of sleep, a medium sized java mach, and on pure adrenaline for going home. it'll be a long day, but it'll be an adventure! isn't that what life is all about?
as i sit here pondering, i am becoming more and more distracted by the happenings around me. a sweet little girl with her mother just walked by, and in her innocence of youth i hear her asking her mother questions, and listening in full confidence of her mother's ingenuity. she reminds me of happy times, where i was young, trusting, fully secure in the capable hands of my own parents. and in this instant, i stop and think about my Heavenly Father, the utmost and perfect parent i could ever have. and i am amazed, and also ashamed.
see, i see this trust of a little child as i sit here waiting to continue my already exciting adventure, and im realizing the subtle touch of the Father's hand on my heart, using this very moment to teach me more about Himself and the journey of life I am on. see, i have been waiting anxiously for months to hear back from grad school. i am in this proverbial "purgatory," waiting, waiting, waiting for whatever is going to happen next, and it's not looking promising. in january, i had my life all mapped out, even to the exact dates of when and where. and now, as time starts to crunch closer and closer, i'm fighting bosses, deadlines, questions, needs, bills and jobs just to simply stay afloat. this isn't quite the adventure i was expecting.
but life's adventures aren't always planned, don't always look good on paper, often don't follow the easiest route. especially on God's map. its often scattered-- missing pieces of the puzzles -- jumping in leaps of faith and to unexpected territories, and often, it's only the promise of all truth revealed in Heaven will we finally see & fill in the missing pieces. i have come so far in my 22 years of life (shoot, i'm 22! ahh! i feel so old!) -- "o ye of little faith!" He has done so much for me in my adventure already -- will He not moreso cover me in my times of unknown? seeing the little girl have so much security in her mother's loving hands...how much more do i have knowing that the Creator of the Universe is watching out for me?
sometimes, i get lost in my own sea of doubt. i allow the crushing blows of the world to drown out my tiny seed of faith. but, right now, in this moment, i'm reminded of the loving hand of my Creator, and well, i'm taking a deep breath, and im ready to plunge into this adventure set before me. even if grad school is a bust, i'm still in for a mighty good ride. even if i don't know what i'm going to do in a few weeks or, oh dear, a year, i know that wherever God takes me, it's going to be a fun ride.
"it is well with my soul."
Monday, March 8, 2010
missing out. missing the point. missing YOU.
facebook = suckbook.
[let's just be honest.]
now, im not dissin the good attributes of facebook...like the fact that its one of my major sources of communication, thanks to living in a magical forest with no cell phone service (and i like it that way!), and i can use it to get in touch with super cool par-tay people who live in places like...greece, australia, arizonia, north carolina, oh wait -- ohio...places like that. facebook is great to also see quick snapshots of people's lives and who they are becoming today. but wait, that's not always a good thing. nor is it always a good thing to my heart.
lately i have been really feeling lost. like i don't really belong in the world that i live in now...the one where i am done with college, i'm in the real world, i'm on my own, i'm paying bills, i'm 2500 miles from all i've ever known...and i'm doing this alone. not spiritually, but physically, yeah, i'm on my own. and i'm seeing via facebook over and over the life i would be living if i was back in school...if i was home with my family...if i was living in indiana or ohio...that sort of thing. seems strange though -- here i live in one of the most epic places in the USA, where people DREAM of being but never are...and yet i'm still unsatisfied. my heart is is discord over the fact that "i'm missing out on something better"...or is it?
back to suckbook...errr, facebook. looking at those photos of good friends, old school chums, family members, and strange random people i don't even know how i'm friends with...i also see much that does not resonate well within my soul. everytime i hop on facebook, i see something that really ticks me off. perhaps its someone posting drunken photos. or its someone claiming to be a Christian but is supporting atheistic beliefs and rituals. or heck, maybe its someone who is chosing to live a life outside of the that they were raised to live. this sounds so judgmental, and i'm sorry, but i'm sayin it anyways. it really ticks me off that these people, who i knew and grew up with, or call myself friends with, are heavily distoring the image of Christianity and who we are to be in Christ. am i just being too cynical, or is someone missing the point here? in my head i'm thinking, "don't call yourself a Christian if you're gonna screw over the name of Christ, and screw up any witness the rest of us might have!" but in my heart i'm hearing, "you're a sinner, Child. why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye when you have a log in your own?" if i'm going to be ticked off at this, and get angry and judge...its time that i start with myself. i've been missing that point so often lately.
i'm allowing facebook to overtake the true reality of what's really going on with people's lives. i'm only seeing glimpses, snapshots, but i'm not really getting the full picture. granted, stupid people put stupid pictures up on facebook (hello, if you're dumb enough to post stupid photos of yourself on public network, then don't get upset when you get busted for it! E.O.S. [end of story.] ) but for real, i'm only getting a small idea of whats going on in their lives and in a single moment, without truly understanding their hearts. i'm so tired of living in a "facebook" mindset -- where i'm constantly looking back at moments, or where i'm only seeing the small picture -- just a smidge of what's really happening. this is how i've been seeing God lately. i seem to only look at the small picture -- the moment glance, without taking the time to look beyond the small into the vast known of the Creator. or worse, i am looking back to the God of my past and am setting standards on Him based off of memories, past blessings, and past knowledge. i think the reason why i've been feeling so lost lately is because i am not simply missing out on life, but i'm missing out on the LIFE-GIVER! such a simple concept...yet it hit me like a ton of bricks last night. hello, christa! could it be any more obvious?
so, good-bye, facebook living. hello, life-living. forget looking at past moments of glory (or in so many of my cases, past moments of shame), i'm looking towards what's to come. i live in one of the most incredible places on earth -- its time i truly embrace it for what its worth. i'm living my story, not someone else's, or dreaming of someone else's life. nahhh. that's overrated. better yet, i'm leaning whole-heartedly on the God who is revealed to me daily. He's never-changing, and yet there's something each day that i realize or learn about Him, and its enough to keep me going...and never looking back. goodbye, missing out. hello, living YOU.
[let's just be honest.]
now, im not dissin the good attributes of facebook...like the fact that its one of my major sources of communication, thanks to living in a magical forest with no cell phone service (and i like it that way!), and i can use it to get in touch with super cool par-tay people who live in places like...greece, australia, arizonia, north carolina, oh wait -- ohio...places like that. facebook is great to also see quick snapshots of people's lives and who they are becoming today. but wait, that's not always a good thing. nor is it always a good thing to my heart.
lately i have been really feeling lost. like i don't really belong in the world that i live in now...the one where i am done with college, i'm in the real world, i'm on my own, i'm paying bills, i'm 2500 miles from all i've ever known...and i'm doing this alone. not spiritually, but physically, yeah, i'm on my own. and i'm seeing via facebook over and over the life i would be living if i was back in school...if i was home with my family...if i was living in indiana or ohio...that sort of thing. seems strange though -- here i live in one of the most epic places in the USA, where people DREAM of being but never are...and yet i'm still unsatisfied. my heart is is discord over the fact that "i'm missing out on something better"...or is it?
back to suckbook...errr, facebook. looking at those photos of good friends, old school chums, family members, and strange random people i don't even know how i'm friends with...i also see much that does not resonate well within my soul. everytime i hop on facebook, i see something that really ticks me off. perhaps its someone posting drunken photos. or its someone claiming to be a Christian but is supporting atheistic beliefs and rituals. or heck, maybe its someone who is chosing to live a life outside of the that they were raised to live. this sounds so judgmental, and i'm sorry, but i'm sayin it anyways. it really ticks me off that these people, who i knew and grew up with, or call myself friends with, are heavily distoring the image of Christianity and who we are to be in Christ. am i just being too cynical, or is someone missing the point here? in my head i'm thinking, "don't call yourself a Christian if you're gonna screw over the name of Christ, and screw up any witness the rest of us might have!" but in my heart i'm hearing, "you're a sinner, Child. why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye when you have a log in your own?" if i'm going to be ticked off at this, and get angry and judge...its time that i start with myself. i've been missing that point so often lately.
i'm allowing facebook to overtake the true reality of what's really going on with people's lives. i'm only seeing glimpses, snapshots, but i'm not really getting the full picture. granted, stupid people put stupid pictures up on facebook (hello, if you're dumb enough to post stupid photos of yourself on public network, then don't get upset when you get busted for it! E.O.S. [end of story.] ) but for real, i'm only getting a small idea of whats going on in their lives and in a single moment, without truly understanding their hearts. i'm so tired of living in a "facebook" mindset -- where i'm constantly looking back at moments, or where i'm only seeing the small picture -- just a smidge of what's really happening. this is how i've been seeing God lately. i seem to only look at the small picture -- the moment glance, without taking the time to look beyond the small into the vast known of the Creator. or worse, i am looking back to the God of my past and am setting standards on Him based off of memories, past blessings, and past knowledge. i think the reason why i've been feeling so lost lately is because i am not simply missing out on life, but i'm missing out on the LIFE-GIVER! such a simple concept...yet it hit me like a ton of bricks last night. hello, christa! could it be any more obvious?
so, good-bye, facebook living. hello, life-living. forget looking at past moments of glory (or in so many of my cases, past moments of shame), i'm looking towards what's to come. i live in one of the most incredible places on earth -- its time i truly embrace it for what its worth. i'm living my story, not someone else's, or dreaming of someone else's life. nahhh. that's overrated. better yet, i'm leaning whole-heartedly on the God who is revealed to me daily. He's never-changing, and yet there's something each day that i realize or learn about Him, and its enough to keep me going...and never looking back. goodbye, missing out. hello, living YOU.
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