The Engagement Frock Grosgrain Giveaway

The Engagement Frock Grosgrain Giveaway

For those of you who love creativity, sewing, or anything classy & chic...

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check it out, folks! ( when i get home to my sewing machine, watch out!)

there and back again: a wanderer's tale.

a good friend asked me when i was going to write a book.

i laughed.

and then became very serious.

because, the art of writing, at least for me, is a very serious business indeed.

if i could give up either books or all other sources of media (television, internet, music, etc), i would gladly toss ole B.A. & Murdock (my MAC & PC) to the curb and retire Stella for life (Stella is my iTouch). books are that important to me. even more so, it is what occurs within the pages of those books that truly ignites my passion. i think Jeb Dickerson understood what books can do for us when he said, "Writing is my time machine, takes me to the precise time and place I belong." Within musty borders of a binding lies lands unknown, travels yet taken, and loves yet lost and found. it is refuge and reward, triumph and toil paced between readings. writing is not just an art, but a revelation of the soul. E.B. White was right -- "Writing is both mask and unveiling."

i think that is why the idea of pursuing anything longer than a letter or an assignment for a class is a task truly daunting. to "write" something is beyond an outpouring of clever tales...it is part creativity, part reality, and mostly gumption for baring self and soul within phrases and paragraphs.

but.

if i was to write a book.

perhaps.

possibly, it may take a title similar to Bilbo's epic narrative of his journey through Middle Earth.

thought i do not live a life as adventurous as that hobbit, perhaps the words of Tolkien mirror the adventurers of my heart, or rather the ache that Bilbo feels after returning from that journey...as if the life he leads never truly satisfies what once was known, or what still awaits. i think i can understand his plight...and his amazement at feeling such a way.

another good friend once called me "wonderchild." i often ponder this, questioning if i truly live up to that name. yet, it stirs my heart as i mull over the idea of writing a book...and i think within the name, i find something to write. i have lived the life of a "wanderer" these past few years, searching for adventure, for love, for places unknown, and for lives i have yet to learn from...and a taste of wandering has only whetted my appetite for more. yet, more questioning has sparked inside my soul, and a yearning for something more concrete. it is in these questioning times that i have seen the peace of Christ transcend all opposition and cunning craft of the Enemy...and i find myself left in awe and wonder.

so perhaps... that title should be changed to "a wonderer's tale"...because it is in the wonder that i think i would have something worthy to write.

but until then, i believe Vladimir Nabakov said it best.

"The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible."

love in the blood.

i'm donating blood today.

needles don't bother me. i can pump out a a pint in under 5 minutes. and i'm pretty sure my weight qualifies me for the daily double (sadly, my iron count counts me out!) needless (or needles) to say, i am a perfect specimen for the Red Cross. but there's something beyond that. i truly enjoy giving blood. it's kinda fun, in a strange and slightly unordinary way. and you have to admit, the treats they give post-dono are delish.

but seriously. giving blood is something that fascinates me. they take a pint of my life supply -- the thing that keeps all my organs running, my brain functioning, my body healthy and clean -- they just take it, and freeze it until someone needs it. to be honest, the first few steps seem to not be in my favor. i get stuck with a needle, they rob me of a bit of my life, and then they freeze it like a piece of cow (or a bag of veggies, for you non-animal eating friends). but then...something magical happens. someone is a victim of a tragic accident. a car runs off the road. a body is racked and stripped from cancer. a fire happens. it is then that my blood truly becomes a gift, perhaps the very thing that helps to save a life. they take something that, to be honest, my body hardly misses and has already replaced, and they are able to transfuse it into someone else's desperate need. is that not so incredibly cool?! and, not only that, but the blood that i give goes to anyone -- i am able to somehow impact any victim in need of "life"...and that is incredibly humbling.

giving blood essentially = giving life. and this, this is where God nudged my heart and reminded me, "That's what my Son did for you." see, it is through the blood of Jesus Christ that i am able to live. Christ did not just give a donation, he didn't go up to the Roman guards and be like, "hey! a pint's gonna be enough, right? let me roll up the sleeve of my robe and you can stick it to me!" because, if you think about it, one pint probably wouldn't cover all that much. i imagine Christ & His blood, and the fact that a simple donation wasn't enough. No, it had to be all of it, a complete sacrifice, the entire life of Christ, so that generations before, and generations after, would be covered in the blood of Christ. Through His blood, we are able to truly find life. Its not just the physical life that Jesus sustains, but also it is the promise of life that's everlasting. The power of the blood. This is a beautiful, overwhelming, and empowering concept. The fact that Jesus' blood was shed thousands of years ago, but, like my blood that is kept until it is needed, Jesus's blood is waiting to be used for the generations to come. And soon, we will celebrate the birth of our Savior, and I am just reminded today that this is why we celebrate. This is why we worship. This is why we do not have to give up our life, but rather find it in Christ.

i'm not trying to give a plug for the Red Cross (though I am a seriously supporter of this!) but i am just reminded how the Lord nudges and teaches through strange and beautiful ways. i am reminded of how amazing it is to be alive and that this life i have is a precious gift. thank the Lord for blood!

(oh, and donate today! needles really aren't that scary, promise!)

a love story.

i'm discovering that morality is not apart of the love story i should have for Christ.


morality, in the modern church sense.


when did morality become a 5 point checklist -- don't drink, don't have sex before marriage, be a good person, go to church, love God? Donald Miller's Searching for God Knows What really got to me. i'm realizing more and more that love should not be contingent on doing good or being good. love, this agape love, that Jesus demonstrates over and over, the most poignant demonstration when He bore all on the cross, for us, for me, is so far beyond that the love that i perceive myself giving back daily to Christ.


Morality is not the means to the end. its not the standard code that we should live by. granted, i'm not saying toss out the ten commandments or live a carefree life cause morality is not necessary. i'm saying that living a moral life should be a by-product of our love for Christ. if Christ was the inventor, the mastermind, and we were a factory, then we would, should be producing products like honesty, integrity, generosity, devotion, joy, faith, morality...these would stem from the inspiration we receive from Christ's example and then implement them in our life. am i the only one who completely missed this extraordinary concept? even if i am the lone stranger in this new walk with Christ, i am all the better for it, for i think, just maybe for a second, understand what this love thing is about.


miller's chapter on morality is astounding. just a few highlights: "Lately, however I have been thinking of morality in less conceptual terns, less as a system of rules and regulations and more as a concept very beautiful and alive...The reason I have been feeling this way is not because morality gives us boundaries or because it helps us live clean lives, though morality does these things, but rather becausem in some mysterious way, morality pleases God...It made me wonder, then, if the idea of morality is just another ramification of the Fall...Can you imagine being a bride in a wedding, walking down the aisle toward your bridegroom, and during the procession, checking out the other groomsmen, wondering when you could sneak off to sleep with one of them, not taking the marriage to your groom seriously? Paul became furious... it makes sense to think of this as Paul's protecting the beauty and grandeur of a union with Christ. In this way, immorality is terrible because it is cheating on the Creator, who loves us and offers Himself as a Bridegroom for the bride. When I said I was looking for a reason for morality, this is what I meant. The motive is love, love of God and of my fellow man... The hijacking of the concept of morality began, of course, when we reduced Scripture to formula and a love story to theology, and finally morality to rules. It is a very different thing to break a rule that it is to cheat on a lover...when I run a stop sign, I am breaking a law against against a system of rules, but if I cheat on my wife, I have borken a rule against a person. The first is impersonal; the latter is intensely personal...A moral message, a message of us versus them...is not the methodology, not the sort of communication that came out of the mouth of Jesus or the mouths of any of His followers...morality becomes the glue that...builds intimacy with Christ."


my morality has stemmed from a system of rules, a desire to be the best Christian possible, the promise that living good will "stand out"...but honestly, none of that works. i find myself easily caving in "moral" ways if that's all it is..."breaking a God-rule." but, honestly, its not about that -- it's about the relationship behind the actions...and that, that's what i have been missing out on.


the beauty of this concept is that i do not have to worry about "making it" in the lifeboat. i don't have to worry about ever making the cut or trying to fit into an "acceptable" mold...no, instead i can confidently and adamantly live a life out of a love stemming from a deep, intimate, and real relationship. anyone need a PFD? cause, i'm ready to ditch this line of thinking and my spot in the lifeboat...and instead, simply live and love.


freedom, at last.

trading one ocean for another.

rippling. rolling. changing. majestic. multi-colored. as far as the eye can see.

and hundreds of miles away from the coast.

my new home is the American farmer's inland version of the ocean, and each time i am immersed in it, my heart skips a beat and work to catch a stolen breath.

Pullman, Washington. home of the Cougars, the National Lentil Festival, and the biggest beer revenue this side of the state. trading redwoods in for stalks of wheat. culture shock? let's just say it was lightning bolt level. was i ready for this?

life -- are we ever ready for it? we like to think so, but we don't really know.

my three lifesavers for my first weeks in Pullman. 1) my Bible. 2) My chacos. 3) my box of writing stuff.

Bible. oh, the grace of a Gracious Father. daily i run to Him with an empty cup, and He continues to fill and overflow, in ways i least expect. a welcoming roommate. a fun department to work in. voicemails from far friends. a car that still runs. i cannot praise Him enough. I feel like a rubberband, being stretched for the first time. I have been created for "such a time as this," and all of that preparation in Christian circles, schools, and family have readied me for this lost and empty town. When are we ever truly able to survive without the strength of Christ? My eyes are opening, as has been my prayer, and my heart is aching for the emptiness I see all over campus. I pray daily for just a chance -- just a fleeting opportunity -- that I may somehow share the love of Christ. His Word daily strengthens me.

Chacos. Going from 8 housemates to 1 is quite a shock. Its very easy for me to go from super-outgoing to super-loner...a role I felt myself slipping into in the first few weeks of being in Pullman. The ocean of people, new school atmosphere, and foreign lands threatened to drown me, and it was easier simply to stay in the comfort of my apartment. But there sat my chacos, accusing me of settling, and begging to be taken down new paths. They reminded me of adventures past and victories won; of good times and hard lessons learned; of fears overcome and of hesitancy's resisted. They screamed "LET'S GO!" And it was their battle cry that lured me away from the comfort of my pillows and put me behind the wheel, pounding the pavement, climbing new heights. Thank you, old and weary Chacos. You remind me of the girl inside who simply needs to be set free from her own prisons...

Box 'O Writing Stuff. Thousands of miles erased simply with a pen and piece of stationary. Memories stir in my mind as ink hits recycled tree. Distances are closed and hearts are opened with the simple act of writing a letter. This tangible, therapeutic act of old helped keep me sane through those first few weeks. When I had no friends, snail mail kept me connected to the ones I did have. Thinking of them took my mind off of pitying myself. Connecting across the map via ink and paper (and sometimes wax) reminds me of how the love of Christ is designed to be a communal one -- both with Him and with His bride. Oh, how I love to write letters, because in a way, I feel like Paul -- encouraging and keeping the church alive with words of the Lord. Though I do not profess to be anyway profound, I like to think that when my letters are read, people can hear my Ohioan-Californian-Montanian-Washingtonian accent and chuckle a bit, and truly see my heart for what its worth. It may be a dying art, but I'm pretty sure I've done my part to keep the Post Office in business.

So, this ocean-like scenery of fields upon golden fields that once threatened to choke me with dullness, now takes my breath away as I walk to school each day. I slammed on my brakes last night driving home because I was shocked to come face to face with an orange slice of harvest moon that zapped me to my core. This new world is fresh and waiting for me to reap its bounty of people, scenery, and adventures. No, it's not my California coastline...but this scene is still worth diving into.

ps. I bought another pair of Chacos today... a promise of new adventures ahead :)

drifting, but still putting down roots.

"When you find yourself comfortable, happy, and complacent, be ready. You have learned all you are meant to know, and you are ripe for the harvest. Relish in those last few moments, for soon you will find yourself uprooted and spreading your wings for new beginnings and lessons to be learned."


T - 5 days and counting until i am torn from the roots that i have so diligently tried to deepen here in the beautiful redwoods of nor-cal. oh, how this forest has challenged me, changed me, and even sometimes chastised me. let me just talk about redwoods for a sec. redwood trees are the superheroes of the forests -- the tallest, strongest, and most majestic. yet, these guys are lacking something that most trees have -- a tap root. a tap root is often what keeps a tree from falling over, because it is the one that grows the deepest into the earth and acts as a stake for the rest of the roots. the redwood, well, it makes due with its family members, intertwining root systems with neighboring trees (often their own offspring resting nearby). i have tried to make my own tap root, relying on my own abilities, strengths, and gifts, but time and time again the Lord has reminded me that i am not able to be my own tap root in this life. so, instead, like the redwoods, He has placed me within a wonderful group of people in who i am intertwined, with whom i am making memories, bringing healing to broken hearts, and overcoming hardships. but, these past few weeks as the date has loomed closer, i have found my heart stirring...becoming restless for the unknown, though i have so valiantly fought to keep my heart from wandering and my thoughts only on the here and now. the majority of my being begs to stay -- to keep the life i have built...to stay where it is familiar, welcome, and Godly. but there is this tiny seedling of wonder...and wander...as i face reality and this chance i fought so hard to have. i always thought i was meant to wander, to be a drifter all of my life... but with each step further from the known & steadfast, i am finding my heart is wavering, and uncertainty has crept in...

then there's this tree called the madrone. the madrone tree is probably one of the coolest trees i have ever seen. it is this beautiful, vibrant shade of green, with big, flat, rounded leaves and smooth bark that ranges from greenish yellow to copper brown. the bark is truly amazing -- it peels off to reveal a smooth surface that is surprisingly cool to the touch. nicknamed "the refrigerator tree", the tree retains water in between its bark and heartwood, in layers know as the xylem and phloem, rejuvenating the tree when it is in a drought, and is keeping the colors bright and full of life. the coolest thing about a madrone tree is that it is a phototrophic tree. phototrophic essentially means "sun-loving." it is mad about sun. you can walk through our woods and see evidence of a love for the sun, as there are madrone trees that are bent over one way, straightened, twisted, curved, wrapped around other trees, and sometimes, fallen, in order to catch just a bit more of the rays that it so longs to have.

as i sit with my face lifted towards the sun, i am reminded how this is to be the essence of my thoughts, words, and entire being: the Son is to be my one love, my tap root, my prize, and i am to be running towards Him with all that i have...and if that means twisting, curving, falling over, and growing in the most awkward of places, then so be it. like the madrone, i want to be so in love that i will do anything, go anywhere, and face the fear of "failure" in order to know Him more. like the redwoods, the Lord promises to keep me going, encouraged and knit together with a community that will keep me from falling, and will endure the hardships, good times, and questioning periods alongside me.

i'm trusting in His promises. and finally, His goodness. so therefore, i am ready to go, ready to grow, ready to be rooted into a new place, a new life, and a new mission.

"When i think of all this, i fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and hearth. i pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you with inner strength through His spirit. Then Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust Him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes to God. Now all glory to God, who i sable, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to Him int he church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! AMEN!" -- Ephesians 4:14-21

goodbye, california. till we meet again...

walk this way.

11:01 PM.
all is not well.

my soul is restless, wavering, parched. my mind is churning, faltering, clouded and uncertain. my body is weary, laden, and sore.
"i am losing all hope, i am petrified with fear -- i remember the days of old" cries David, as his very being is slowly wasting away in agony, despair, and repentance.
does this remind you of your dreaded days, past problems, or present pains? i know my wounds are freshly opened. and it's only the beginning of the week.

i've been muling over the idea of going deeper these past couple weeks -- chewing, thinking, pondering on what that actually means, what that actually entails, what it actually will take to physically go beyond where i am now. and to be honest, i've been fighting it. in fact, i've come to realize, i've been fighting this all my life. The Lord does come in the still, small voice...but lately He's been using a bullhorn, whirlwinds & painful stabs to my soul to get my attention.

mmnk God, you've got it. now what do you want?

stop making excuses.

umm, easier said than done. literally. see, webster defines "excuse" both as a verb and a noun. the act of making an excuse is "to offer an apology for; seek to remove the blame of" -- meaning that an excuse is used to weasel our way out of owning up to something. how often do i try to shift the root of the matter onto some other person or another circumstance? why is it so easy for me to pretend like i didn't do it? cause i don't like having the Sonlight shined straight onto my filthy, black motives. but it's so much more than just shifting the blame. webbie also defines "excuse" as a noun, going as far to say it's "an inferior or adequate specimen of something specified." whoa. now i'm not only a coward, but my excuses don't even measure up...they're so incredibly lame that they're not even worth considering... and yet God still listens. patiently.

some excuses i've been using of late are: i don't have time. lamesauce. i have time to suckbook (err, facebook), read the latest Bones book, shop, talk, run, eat, work & adventurize...but i don't even have time to say "hello" to my Creator? another winner: i like my own deal too much. God has instilled inside me some mega-crazy dreams...i seriously wish i could have a new job every year so i could do everything i desire to do (like be a chef, a personal trainer, discovery channel photographer, deep sea diver, NOLS employee, wedding coordinator, professional gardener [which would be totally oxymoronic cause i have a black thumb] & fashion designer)...and because i simply enjoy doing each of these things...i don't want to have to delegate time away from them for something else...like living a life for the Lord & the Lord alone. i'm too busy being lord myself. oops. and here's the final one...and probably the most messed-up but also the deepest one of all: i'm scared to let go. see, its been easy to live by the rules i've used all my life...and to live by the standards set by others...or sadly, the pains, fears, and hurts that have held me captive all my days. i wrote about this to a friend recently, saying that "it's sometimes easier to let go of the things that i love to do and desire, than it is to face those fears that have held me captive for so long. its more difficult to give up those wounds because they are the standard that i have lived all my life by..."
told you it was messed up.

"the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy -- but I have come to give you life more abundant!" John 10:10

ahh. a cool, refreshing breeze just stirred in my soul. do you get the power of those simple words? if you do, please tell me, cause i'm only just beginning to realize them.

"life more abundant" ...ahh! what does that even mean?! i can live my whole life, my whole eternity, and still not even scratch the surface of who God is, His depth of love for me, or the blessings He has in store for me.
but uh...why do i keep holding back?

i've been asking myself that a lot lately. and the Lord has been pointing it out to me over and over in His love letter to me. Luke 14 speaks directly on this issue: " A man prepared a great feast and sent out many invitations. When the banquet was ready, He sent his servant to tell the guests...but they all began to make excuses...[and the] master was furious." (14:16-17, 21) or how about, "If someone claims, 'I know God' but doesn't obey God's commandments, that person is a liar and is not living in the truth." 1 John 2:4
yep. guilty as charged.

i feel overwhelmed at this. yet the very fiber of my being is crying out for what is lacking...the spaces in my every molecule are missing the Spirit that fills them...the Spirit that is already in me, but is lying dormant until i give the "ok" for it to radically alter my world. i have been an "adulterous bride of Christ," filling those empty cavities with sweet distractions, distasteful affections, and poor substitutes.

i'm about to move to WA, to live with a roommate who doesn't believe. will she be radically affected by the God who i live for...or will she see me as just another human being doing "my own thing." i don't want to be just another Christian, dangit! is it just me, or do you notice that we Christians have this radar tuned into other believers? enter beverly, the homeless lady i just met tonight. as i did what i could for her, she said she didn't even have to ask...she already knew i was a Christian. my real question is though -- do non-believers sense that same wavelength...or are they on a completely different spectrum? i want my light to break through both, so that other Christians will be strengthened, and non-believers will be pierced with the Sonlight.

my dear, sweet roommate Jennifer hit the target today in my life. she challenged us with the concept of "walking," as Paul & the NT over and over spotlights the idea of "walk" and "moving forward." she defined walking as "to advance or travel on foot at a moderate speed or pace." sometimes i forget that this is not a breakneck-speed sprint...this life is a death-depending marathon, and all it takes is one foot in front of the other...step by step towards the Father...eyes never faltering.

12:02 PM.
what do i have to lose?

ok Lord. you're more than enough...so i'm ready, set, diving in...