'stache it all.

when professors give you papers,

when the snow begins to fall,

when your eyes are getting droopy,

and you've done nothing yet at all.

and it's only 10 AM

your second cuppa joe is down,

you've only three more hours

till you gotta hit the town.

there's little you can do

cause you did it to yourself

and now the clock is ticking

and patience is running out.

thats when a good ole mustache

answers your pity call

so when you're feeling unmotivated

just simply 'stache it all!

Love from the lentils (and from my newly acquired facial hair!)

soul music, red-rimmed glasses, and a plant named Sebastian.

someone once told me, "when life get's comfortable, prepare to move."

i'm adding my own version.

"when you desire comfort in life, you're buying your ticket for the unknown destination train."

this is the life i love. this is the life i lead. this is the life that likes to kick me to the curb, and then run over my brand new Chacos, just for kicks. does any one else feel this way? as if you take two steps forward, one step back, and then realize all the while that your headlamp is out of batteries? i cannot imagine my life any other way.

yet, i look around our apartment, the good ole T202, and think, "is this it?"

(though i admit, i do love the twinkling christmas lights, louis armstrong playing in the background, and the smell of fresh homemade bread in the oven.)

i'm feeling that itch again. like there is something missing, some place i'm missing out on, some other life i was meant to lead. i hear the wind rattling my window panes as i sit and type paper #201993939-84q (why is there a "q" in there?), and my heart begins to ache so badly i thinking i need to find some Bayer. i like the mystique of tributing this "inner spirit" to my Native American heritage, but then i begin to sound like i'm from a Disney movie, so I instead begin to analyze why, so frequently, I find my heart tearing at its strings, and I feel the inner ache of "something more."

did i mention i'm looking to leave washington? as i was putting my brand new WA license plates on Hannibal, i was also running through my checklist in my mind -- "call references. submit grad school application. check on transcripts. find out what an odyssey III is. try to convince my boss not to hate me." oh, the lists. my good friend ken once said, "christa, the thing that stuck out to me in this book was the part where the company made a 'not to do' list. you need to put 'making lists' on your 'not to do list.'" not only did i think this was extremely oxymoronic, but also similar to cutting off my right hand. "if your right hand causes you to sin, it is better for you to cut it off..." paraphrased, Jesus.

oh dear. good bye, right hand.

do you think dissatisfaction is a sin? be honest with me.

sometimes i wonder. do i really understand this concept of faith, trust, love & Jesus? of course not. but do i understand where i need to pursue understanding? i'm not sure. see, i think i have a grasp on where i need to be working with Jesus in aspects (so many. truth.) of my life, as He continues to refine and define who i am as His child...and yet, what if, i am completely off kelter where i actually am? i think that's where the voice of Christ infiltrates and guides through daily devotion and pursuit of Him, and where questions are answered, fears are eliminated, and satisfaction is completed...

ahh. maybe its not the wind tugging at my heart, afterall.

blessings and peace, dear ones.

"Then I said, 'Here I am...I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart." -- Ps. 40:7-8

The Engagement Frock Grosgrain Giveaway

The Engagement Frock Grosgrain Giveaway

For those of you who love creativity, sewing, or anything classy & chic...

... you should probably check out this incredible site. not only is the author a talented seamstress and an overall fashion guru, but she is incredibly gorgeous as well, and her products of tangible art sewn by thread and a bit of love are unique and adjustable to make your own.

check it out, folks! ( when i get home to my sewing machine, watch out!)

there and back again: a wanderer's tale.

a good friend asked me when i was going to write a book.

i laughed.

and then became very serious.

because, the art of writing, at least for me, is a very serious business indeed.

if i could give up either books or all other sources of media (television, internet, music, etc), i would gladly toss ole B.A. & Murdock (my MAC & PC) to the curb and retire Stella for life (Stella is my iTouch). books are that important to me. even more so, it is what occurs within the pages of those books that truly ignites my passion. i think Jeb Dickerson understood what books can do for us when he said, "Writing is my time machine, takes me to the precise time and place I belong." Within musty borders of a binding lies lands unknown, travels yet taken, and loves yet lost and found. it is refuge and reward, triumph and toil paced between readings. writing is not just an art, but a revelation of the soul. E.B. White was right -- "Writing is both mask and unveiling."

i think that is why the idea of pursuing anything longer than a letter or an assignment for a class is a task truly daunting. to "write" something is beyond an outpouring of clever tales...it is part creativity, part reality, and mostly gumption for baring self and soul within phrases and paragraphs.

but.

if i was to write a book.

perhaps.

possibly, it may take a title similar to Bilbo's epic narrative of his journey through Middle Earth.

thought i do not live a life as adventurous as that hobbit, perhaps the words of Tolkien mirror the adventurers of my heart, or rather the ache that Bilbo feels after returning from that journey...as if the life he leads never truly satisfies what once was known, or what still awaits. i think i can understand his plight...and his amazement at feeling such a way.

another good friend once called me "wonderchild." i often ponder this, questioning if i truly live up to that name. yet, it stirs my heart as i mull over the idea of writing a book...and i think within the name, i find something to write. i have lived the life of a "wanderer" these past few years, searching for adventure, for love, for places unknown, and for lives i have yet to learn from...and a taste of wandering has only whetted my appetite for more. yet, more questioning has sparked inside my soul, and a yearning for something more concrete. it is in these questioning times that i have seen the peace of Christ transcend all opposition and cunning craft of the Enemy...and i find myself left in awe and wonder.

so perhaps... that title should be changed to "a wonderer's tale"...because it is in the wonder that i think i would have something worthy to write.

but until then, i believe Vladimir Nabakov said it best.

"The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible."

love in the blood.

i'm donating blood today.

needles don't bother me. i can pump out a a pint in under 5 minutes. and i'm pretty sure my weight qualifies me for the daily double (sadly, my iron count counts me out!) needless (or needles) to say, i am a perfect specimen for the Red Cross. but there's something beyond that. i truly enjoy giving blood. it's kinda fun, in a strange and slightly unordinary way. and you have to admit, the treats they give post-dono are delish.

but seriously. giving blood is something that fascinates me. they take a pint of my life supply -- the thing that keeps all my organs running, my brain functioning, my body healthy and clean -- they just take it, and freeze it until someone needs it. to be honest, the first few steps seem to not be in my favor. i get stuck with a needle, they rob me of a bit of my life, and then they freeze it like a piece of cow (or a bag of veggies, for you non-animal eating friends). but then...something magical happens. someone is a victim of a tragic accident. a car runs off the road. a body is racked and stripped from cancer. a fire happens. it is then that my blood truly becomes a gift, perhaps the very thing that helps to save a life. they take something that, to be honest, my body hardly misses and has already replaced, and they are able to transfuse it into someone else's desperate need. is that not so incredibly cool?! and, not only that, but the blood that i give goes to anyone -- i am able to somehow impact any victim in need of "life"...and that is incredibly humbling.

giving blood essentially = giving life. and this, this is where God nudged my heart and reminded me, "That's what my Son did for you." see, it is through the blood of Jesus Christ that i am able to live. Christ did not just give a donation, he didn't go up to the Roman guards and be like, "hey! a pint's gonna be enough, right? let me roll up the sleeve of my robe and you can stick it to me!" because, if you think about it, one pint probably wouldn't cover all that much. i imagine Christ & His blood, and the fact that a simple donation wasn't enough. No, it had to be all of it, a complete sacrifice, the entire life of Christ, so that generations before, and generations after, would be covered in the blood of Christ. Through His blood, we are able to truly find life. Its not just the physical life that Jesus sustains, but also it is the promise of life that's everlasting. The power of the blood. This is a beautiful, overwhelming, and empowering concept. The fact that Jesus' blood was shed thousands of years ago, but, like my blood that is kept until it is needed, Jesus's blood is waiting to be used for the generations to come. And soon, we will celebrate the birth of our Savior, and I am just reminded today that this is why we celebrate. This is why we worship. This is why we do not have to give up our life, but rather find it in Christ.

i'm not trying to give a plug for the Red Cross (though I am a seriously supporter of this!) but i am just reminded how the Lord nudges and teaches through strange and beautiful ways. i am reminded of how amazing it is to be alive and that this life i have is a precious gift. thank the Lord for blood!

(oh, and donate today! needles really aren't that scary, promise!)

a love story.

i'm discovering that morality is not apart of the love story i should have for Christ.


morality, in the modern church sense.


when did morality become a 5 point checklist -- don't drink, don't have sex before marriage, be a good person, go to church, love God? Donald Miller's Searching for God Knows What really got to me. i'm realizing more and more that love should not be contingent on doing good or being good. love, this agape love, that Jesus demonstrates over and over, the most poignant demonstration when He bore all on the cross, for us, for me, is so far beyond that the love that i perceive myself giving back daily to Christ.


Morality is not the means to the end. its not the standard code that we should live by. granted, i'm not saying toss out the ten commandments or live a carefree life cause morality is not necessary. i'm saying that living a moral life should be a by-product of our love for Christ. if Christ was the inventor, the mastermind, and we were a factory, then we would, should be producing products like honesty, integrity, generosity, devotion, joy, faith, morality...these would stem from the inspiration we receive from Christ's example and then implement them in our life. am i the only one who completely missed this extraordinary concept? even if i am the lone stranger in this new walk with Christ, i am all the better for it, for i think, just maybe for a second, understand what this love thing is about.


miller's chapter on morality is astounding. just a few highlights: "Lately, however I have been thinking of morality in less conceptual terns, less as a system of rules and regulations and more as a concept very beautiful and alive...The reason I have been feeling this way is not because morality gives us boundaries or because it helps us live clean lives, though morality does these things, but rather becausem in some mysterious way, morality pleases God...It made me wonder, then, if the idea of morality is just another ramification of the Fall...Can you imagine being a bride in a wedding, walking down the aisle toward your bridegroom, and during the procession, checking out the other groomsmen, wondering when you could sneak off to sleep with one of them, not taking the marriage to your groom seriously? Paul became furious... it makes sense to think of this as Paul's protecting the beauty and grandeur of a union with Christ. In this way, immorality is terrible because it is cheating on the Creator, who loves us and offers Himself as a Bridegroom for the bride. When I said I was looking for a reason for morality, this is what I meant. The motive is love, love of God and of my fellow man... The hijacking of the concept of morality began, of course, when we reduced Scripture to formula and a love story to theology, and finally morality to rules. It is a very different thing to break a rule that it is to cheat on a lover...when I run a stop sign, I am breaking a law against against a system of rules, but if I cheat on my wife, I have borken a rule against a person. The first is impersonal; the latter is intensely personal...A moral message, a message of us versus them...is not the methodology, not the sort of communication that came out of the mouth of Jesus or the mouths of any of His followers...morality becomes the glue that...builds intimacy with Christ."


my morality has stemmed from a system of rules, a desire to be the best Christian possible, the promise that living good will "stand out"...but honestly, none of that works. i find myself easily caving in "moral" ways if that's all it is..."breaking a God-rule." but, honestly, its not about that -- it's about the relationship behind the actions...and that, that's what i have been missing out on.


the beauty of this concept is that i do not have to worry about "making it" in the lifeboat. i don't have to worry about ever making the cut or trying to fit into an "acceptable" mold...no, instead i can confidently and adamantly live a life out of a love stemming from a deep, intimate, and real relationship. anyone need a PFD? cause, i'm ready to ditch this line of thinking and my spot in the lifeboat...and instead, simply live and love.


freedom, at last.

trading one ocean for another.

rippling. rolling. changing. majestic. multi-colored. as far as the eye can see.

and hundreds of miles away from the coast.

my new home is the American farmer's inland version of the ocean, and each time i am immersed in it, my heart skips a beat and work to catch a stolen breath.

Pullman, Washington. home of the Cougars, the National Lentil Festival, and the biggest beer revenue this side of the state. trading redwoods in for stalks of wheat. culture shock? let's just say it was lightning bolt level. was i ready for this?

life -- are we ever ready for it? we like to think so, but we don't really know.

my three lifesavers for my first weeks in Pullman. 1) my Bible. 2) My chacos. 3) my box of writing stuff.

Bible. oh, the grace of a Gracious Father. daily i run to Him with an empty cup, and He continues to fill and overflow, in ways i least expect. a welcoming roommate. a fun department to work in. voicemails from far friends. a car that still runs. i cannot praise Him enough. I feel like a rubberband, being stretched for the first time. I have been created for "such a time as this," and all of that preparation in Christian circles, schools, and family have readied me for this lost and empty town. When are we ever truly able to survive without the strength of Christ? My eyes are opening, as has been my prayer, and my heart is aching for the emptiness I see all over campus. I pray daily for just a chance -- just a fleeting opportunity -- that I may somehow share the love of Christ. His Word daily strengthens me.

Chacos. Going from 8 housemates to 1 is quite a shock. Its very easy for me to go from super-outgoing to super-loner...a role I felt myself slipping into in the first few weeks of being in Pullman. The ocean of people, new school atmosphere, and foreign lands threatened to drown me, and it was easier simply to stay in the comfort of my apartment. But there sat my chacos, accusing me of settling, and begging to be taken down new paths. They reminded me of adventures past and victories won; of good times and hard lessons learned; of fears overcome and of hesitancy's resisted. They screamed "LET'S GO!" And it was their battle cry that lured me away from the comfort of my pillows and put me behind the wheel, pounding the pavement, climbing new heights. Thank you, old and weary Chacos. You remind me of the girl inside who simply needs to be set free from her own prisons...

Box 'O Writing Stuff. Thousands of miles erased simply with a pen and piece of stationary. Memories stir in my mind as ink hits recycled tree. Distances are closed and hearts are opened with the simple act of writing a letter. This tangible, therapeutic act of old helped keep me sane through those first few weeks. When I had no friends, snail mail kept me connected to the ones I did have. Thinking of them took my mind off of pitying myself. Connecting across the map via ink and paper (and sometimes wax) reminds me of how the love of Christ is designed to be a communal one -- both with Him and with His bride. Oh, how I love to write letters, because in a way, I feel like Paul -- encouraging and keeping the church alive with words of the Lord. Though I do not profess to be anyway profound, I like to think that when my letters are read, people can hear my Ohioan-Californian-Montanian-Washingtonian accent and chuckle a bit, and truly see my heart for what its worth. It may be a dying art, but I'm pretty sure I've done my part to keep the Post Office in business.

So, this ocean-like scenery of fields upon golden fields that once threatened to choke me with dullness, now takes my breath away as I walk to school each day. I slammed on my brakes last night driving home because I was shocked to come face to face with an orange slice of harvest moon that zapped me to my core. This new world is fresh and waiting for me to reap its bounty of people, scenery, and adventures. No, it's not my California coastline...but this scene is still worth diving into.

ps. I bought another pair of Chacos today... a promise of new adventures ahead :)